My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Nov 16

A pre-fresh trache post

Category: Life

I might write something again from the hospital, but I’m leaving in a bit for another fresh trache. Last time went rather astonishingly badly, and I’ve been really particularly melancholy since. When you genuinely feel like you might die, and then you don’t, it’s a very weird feeling. On the one hand, you’re absolutely so happy you didn’t die, because dying is really terrifying when you actually think you’re in the middle of it. On the other hand, if life isn’t going the way you imagined, it’s scary to know that you can end, and end badly, so far away from what you want. Also, sometimes you wonder why you fought so hard not to die if all you often feel is empty, lonely. At least, that’s been my experience.

At any rate, I’ve written the following note to my team, just to make sure we’re all on the same page again…

Some notes:

Don’t switch me from my vent to a hospital vent unless I’m dying, and you’re absolutely certain I’m dying.  If I answer no to question #1, and #1B, if something goes astonishingly wrong, do whatever you need to do so that I don’t end up with Kurt Cobain (he’s dead).  Otherwise, leave me on my own vent, it’s set to keep me alive under almost any circumstance.

The general faces of Michael…

Eye brows up: Yes

Eyes closed: No

Crazy blinking: Help, something’s really wrong, I probably can’t breathe

Fish face: I need a suction

Left eye closed: I want to use the alphabet

When I wake up from anesthesia ask me the following questions, in order.

1. Are you okay, are you breathing well enough?

(If I answer NO to question 1): 1B: Can we use the alphabet to figure out what’s wrong?

2. Do you need suctioned through your ballard?

3. Do you need suctioned again?

4. Do you need more air in your cuff?

5. Are you ready to go back to recovery

?I’m hoping things go better this time because I still have much to do, I’m not ready to go to Hell, and I would really miss some people.

1 comment

1 Comment so far

  1. Sarahluna November 16th, 2009 6:49 am

    Hey, if you end up in hell, I will meet you there. Lots of my friends will be too. I’ll introduce you around 