My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

I could put down a bunch of violets

February 18th, 2011 | Category: Creative Flash,Life

I could put down a bunch of words, but they wouldn’t do anything, or mean anything, or change anything. Or I could put down a bunch of violets. Violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets violets. Either way, it’s the same affect, no matter the words. Whatever I put down is passionless, pointless.

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Cincinnati, again

January 24th, 2011 | Category: Life

So, I’m flying to Cincinnati in a few hours, like, seven hours from right now. Their going to re-measure my trach because it’s still not right, but that’s not even the main reason I’m going. They asked me to come back because the doctors at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital had never seen anyone with SMA Type 1 at the age of thirty, they didn’t even believe the diagnosis. I couldn’t have SMA Type 1, it had to be Type 2, or 3, or maybe something else altogether. People with SMA Type 1, they don’t go twenty-seven years without being trached, if they see twenty-seven at all. Well, even though I don’t fit the diagnosis, at all, fancy genetic tests proved that I definitely have SMA Type 1. Maybe I’m some sort of SMA Missing Link, I don’t know. They’re going to run a bunch of tests and study me.

I just feel really weird, for lots of reasons I’m more uneasy than the last time I went to Cincinnati. I’m thirty, I shouldn’t be, but I am. I don’t know, I can’t articulate it just now, but I feel like such a failure.

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Tattoo #43

December 09th, 2010 | Category: Life,Opinions,Tattoos,Thoughts on Music

Tattoo by Colt, Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from one of my favorite Nirvana songs, Blew, which is on their first record, Bleach. Nirvana songs don’t necessarily tell a story that goes, and then, and then, and then. Nirvana songs are often a mix of lines that mean something and lines that mean absolutely nothing, so it’s a matter of picking out the important lines and figuring out what they mean as a whole. That’s one reason I love Nirvana so much, every song is sort of a puzzle to solve.

To me, Blew is about being stuck, feeling intensely frustrated, and wanting it to stop. I’ve felt that way for so long… One night a few months ago, I felt like making those feelings something external, marking them as part of the story of me.

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Rut

November 21st, 2010 | Category: Life

I wonder how much longer I’ll be stuck in this rut..

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Long week

November 12th, 2010 | Category: Life

It’s been a really long week, I’m tired. I haven’t really been sleeping, I just get exhausted and shut down, then some horrible dream wakes me… It’s a loop. I have too much in my head, too much weight on me. I can’t even write anything simple, I’m too tired.

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Renewed, again

November 11th, 2010 | Category: Life

So, I’ve renewed this domain for another year. Is it three years I’ve been doing this, writing this blog? It doesn’t feel like three years, but it is, three years of me writing here. As a whole, I took I’m creating what I’ve always intended,  a constantly evolving memoir of sorts. The last few months just haven’t been good, I’m not writing the way I want, I’ve gone off the track in many ways.

I’m going to turn this around, I can’t not.

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Tomorrow, I swear!

November 09th, 2010 | Category: Life

So, today simply got away from me, it was hectic. There was a power outage, my vent has between ten and thirty minutes of internal backup power, but I was with some new people who just hadn’t been io that particular situation. They were smart and handled it spectacularly, but it wasn’t automatic, I was more on edge, more shook up than I should have been. I wasn’t calm inside. I’m issuing orders, “You need to go get a vent battery right now.” I wasn’t myself, I feel bad about it. I was too on-edge after.

Anyway, tomorrow, I really write.

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So

November 07th, 2010 | Category: Life,Random Thought

So, I’m still struggling with writing, with a lot. I’m working on it.

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Just thoughts

October 31st, 2010 | Category: Life,Random Thought

I have too many thoughts in my head, it’s a mess, crowded and cluttered. The solitude, my big, showy, digital self-banishment, that hasn’t helped. Not that it would, not that it could. I mean, my being broken inside, my not being able to write or focus, or feel anything good, none of that has anything to  do with IMs or Tweets. I’ve done a lot of thinking recently, mostly when it’s dark and quiet, and I’m alone, wrapped in lonely. I just have to take what’s really weighing me down, and get free of that weight. I’m carrying too much, my backpack is too heavy. I’m exhausted. I’ve felt this way two Halloweens in a row, it’s so… my fault.

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I’m aware

October 21st, 2010 | Category: Life

I’m aware that at some point, probably soon, people are going to forget me if I don’t start writing again. I’m sure this is already starting. I really don’t want this to happen.I love words and writing, arranging words into something whole, and hopefully beautiful. I like that people read my stuff, and when someone tells me that something I wrote affected them. I don’t want to be forgotten, and I don’t want to disappear before I’ve written something of real importance, something that feels important to me anyways.  I’m just stuck, and the desire to write things, anything, isn’t in me. I’m drowning in anxiety, and fear, and a certain emptiness, and ennui. I hate these feelings, though they’re so completely familiar. The thing is, I don’t feel “lost,” I’m not lost. I know where I want to be, what I want to feel, I know everything I want. I always know what I want, I’ve never not known. This, it’s like a bad dream, and I can’t wake up. I so can’t wake up.

Still, I need to write. I need to force myself to write, something, anything, everyday. Maybe everyday. I need to try, at least.

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