My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I’m just going to ask a question, I haven’t had time today to write what I hope to write tomorrow… bet356

Being that we saw Man Bear Pig in Imaginationland, does that mean he is simply Al Gore’s psychotic delusion?

Now, many of you will have no idea what I’m talking about, but for those who do…

So, the folks at the International Plaza Apple Store were kind enough to replace my iMac outright. They’re the best fuckin’ Apple Store around!

I’m much relieved.

So, my main computer, the new 27″ iMac, it over-heated, and crashed, and died. It has stayed dead. I imagine that the fan quietly left this world days or weeks ago, the machine’s insides cooked, and now it is no more. I’m trying to write this with dark humor, but I’m miserable.

I need to actively create some quiet space, just time to focus and write. I’m not doing that, I’m kind of just on auto-pilot, reading, playing World of Warcraft, watching movies. I haven’t had a “going out assistant” since early August, and that never helps anything. Next week should be different. I’m so angry with myself for being… here.

It’s been a really long week, I’m tired. I haven’t really been sleeping, I just get exhausted and shut down, then some horrible dream wakes me… It’s a loop. I have too much in my head, too much weight on me. I can’t even write anything simple, I’m too tired.

So, I’ve renewed this domain for another year. Is it three years I’ve been doing this, writing this blog? It doesn’t feel like three years, but it is, three years of me writing here. As a whole, I took I’m creating what I’ve always intended,  a constantly evolving memoir of sorts. The last few months just haven’t been good, I’m not writing the way I want, I’ve gone off the track in many ways.

I’m going to turn this around, I can’t not.

So, I’ve definitely become a Kindle snob. I do all my reading with the Kindle for Mac app, which’s getting very robust. One new feature is Highlights & Notes, basically you can highlight passages and make margin notes. It seems simple, but I’ve never been able to mark up a book before, yet I’d always liked the idea. It’s really kind of romantic, marking words that feel important, then adding your own words and creating something new. It really helps me focus on the reading too, I’m intently looking for new passages to add to my collection. I feel like I’m building something, and words arranged beautifully are valuable, I like gathering them, keeping them all for myself. I also think creating margin notes is ultimately good for my own writing, it’s good just getting my thoughts out and organized. I can’t write in a vacuum, other people’s work inspires my own, keeping notes is a good way to solidify new ideas.

Eventually, I will start writing again, it’s what I do. It’s been a long slump, and I’m honestly embarrassed, and ashamed. I feel like I’m letting people down, like I’m wasting so much. I’m better than this, I’m going to be me again. In the meantime, I have my margin notes.

So, today simply got away from me, it was hectic. There was a power outage, my vent has between ten and thirty minutes of internal backup power, but I was with some new people who just hadn’t been io that particular situation. They were smart and handled it spectacularly, but it wasn’t automatic, I was more on edge, more shook up than I should have been. I wasn’t calm inside. I’m issuing orders, “You need to go get a vent battery right now.” I wasn’t myself, I feel bad about it. I was too on-edge after.

Anyway, tomorrow, I really write.

Tomorrow, tomorrow I will focus and write something real.

So, I’m still struggling with writing, with a lot. I’m working on it.