My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I’ve been reading this book by Catherynne M. Valente, The Habitation of the Blessed: A Dirge for Prester John, Volume One. It’s good, and I’ll write a review after I finish, but one quote caught my attention…

“Distraction is the enemy of perfection.”

I will never be remotely close to perfection, it seems. I’m drowning in distraction, and melancholy, and…

So, I’ve been writing lots about politics… I’m just so sucked in, so engrossed in this crazy political landscape of ours. It’s just scary. Still, I’ll start writing something else. Soon.

This is Tea Party darling, Congress-woman, Michelle Bachmann, and a classic example of Tea Party interview strategy. If you get cornered by a real journalist, someone outside FOX News, stick to one across the board answer to every single question. Give absolutely no real answers.

So, the Republicans won big enough, they took the House, a bunch of Tea Party nuts won. Rand “The Civil Rights Act Was a Bad Idea” Paul won. I don’t understand how people could think this road is better, giving power back to the people who spent eight years digging the hole that has everyone so angry.

How could President Obama and the Democrats turn that disaster around in two years, especially with Republicans rubber-stamping everything with a giant “NO?” They slowed our progress, on purpose, in order to say, “See, the Democrats aren’t helping you.” They sold America out to gain enough political capital to win the mid-terms. They prayed to their gay-hating God that people wouldn’t notice their ploy, and people didn’t notice. They keep talking about debt, the American people spoke out about debt. Who gave us that debt? Who got us into two wars? Who gave the richest Americans massive tax-cuts, while letting everyone else suffer? Who de-regulated Wall-Street to a degree that nearly killed our economy? The Republicans did those things. It’s disgusting, I’m disgusted.

I never really cared about politics. Politics was just something that happened, I didn’t see it as anything tangible. I mean, my life didn’t seem any different depending on who got elected to what, and where. The thing is, I just wasn’t paying attention, thirty years of elections and those people elected, steering legislation, it has all affected my life. Because of lots of legislators, President Clinton, even Governor Jeb Bush, especially Jeb Bush, being disabled doesn’t mean I have to be stuck in some institution, or dead. Because of legislation I have access to healthcare, and assistants, and technology. I can go on dates, and to movies, and whatever else I love doing, all because my place in society is legislated, and because I’m a part of society, I can give back. I never really considered any of this until Curling and the 2010 Winter Olympics. See, Curling was on MSNBC, like, at any given hour, and at some point during my Curlingasm I stumbled onto The Rachel Maddow Show. I always like someone who’s passionate about what they do, Rachel is totally passionate. I was mesmerized. She LOVES politics, she’d talk about it on street corners to anyone who would listen if nobody would pay her to do so. If it ever comes to that, if Rachel Maddow ends up talking politics in Times Square, I’ll totally camp out with her. She’s brilliant, she knows her stuff, and that’s why I kept watching. Then I started watching Countdown with Keith Olbermann, and, well, I feel like I’ve stepped through the Looking-Glass and there’s no going back. Politics is tangible, there are consequences to who gets elected to what, and where. Today’s mid-term elections are serious, and important. Frankly, I’m worried about what could happen to people with disabilities if too many Republicans win today, I’m worried about the entire country.

Today’s Republican Party is scary, they’re extremists who will take us backward. The Tea Party is a group of uneducated nut-jobs with winning ideas like, the repeal of healthcare reform, the abolishment of the Department of Education, the privatization of Social Security and Medicare (ie, if the private sector crashes again, those programs are fucked), the criminalization of abortion, no Civil-Rights for gays, I could go on and on. These are their goals. As a whole, the Republicans are big on investigating President Obama. You know, proving he’s a Kenyan Socialist secret Muslim terrorist and tossing him out of office. Forget the economy, public education, clean energy, the Republicans have other more pressing matters at hand. This sounds crazy, I wish it was fiction, but it isn’t. It so isn’t.

People are frustrated with President Obama, and in-turn the Democrats, President Obama was supposed to unite the parties and give every American a job, and a unicorn, but things haven’t quite worked out that way. President Obama took office and inherited a disaster, an economy on the brink of The Great Depression II: Depression Strikes Back, two wars, massive debt caused by those two wars, he walked into a nightmare. I’ve always said that the Obama administration sucks at PR, at touting accomplishments. People don’t realize the good he has done in under two years. The deficit is down under President Obama. The evil Stimulus Package, it worked. It saved our economy from collapse, saved millions of jobs, and included tax cuts for every American. It didn’t create jobs like people hoped, but this is a work in progress. The evil bailouts of the auto and banking industries, they worked, the loans are being paid back. Imagine all the lost jobs if the U.S. car companies had folded. President Obama did all these things against fierce opposition from the Republicans. The Republicans simply do not like him, they fight every single bill the Democrats bring forward, even things they usually agree on, like infrastructure spending. Their goal is to make President Obama a single-term President, damn progress.

So, if you haven’t voted yet, do, and think about these things before you cast your ballot.

So, every day in November, I am going to post something, hopefully thirty good somethings. Only time will tell, really. I need to get this space going again.

If anybody has any post suggestions… do comment.

I have too many thoughts in my head, it’s a mess, crowded and cluttered. The solitude, my big, showy, digital self-banishment, that hasn’t helped. Not that it would, not that it could. I mean, my being broken inside, my not being able to write or focus, or feel anything good, none of that has anything to  do with IMs or Tweets. I’ve done a lot of thinking recently, mostly when it’s dark and quiet, and I’m alone, wrapped in lonely. I just have to take what’s really weighing me down, and get free of that weight. I’m carrying too much, my backpack is too heavy. I’m exhausted. I’ve felt this way two Halloweens in a row, it’s so… my fault.

Is it 2008, again? Sitting in a room, my room, some room, any room, alone, wanting to be someplace else. This isn’t my room, at least, not the room in my head. That room, it’s so different.

Watching movies alone, wanting to be someplace else. Not any place else, not, “Oh, God, anywhere but here,” but someplace. Someplace nice, someplace I’ve been, but can’t seem to stay. Writing without writing, or not writing, not there’s much difference. Though, the writing without writing, that’s really more of a 2005 kind of thing. I’m so 2008, or 2005, or early 2007, or even the latter half of 2009, not that it matters. They’re all pretty much the same place.

Oh, Peter Smith-Kingsley, where are you?

I’ve decided that I need to really examine my life and focus on my writing, as well as reading more. I have so many books piled up. Doing this is going to require some solitude, a good deal of it. To this end, I’ll no longer do any IMing, texting, or social tweeting, until I fix what’s broken in me.

I will still reply to blog comments and e-mail correspondence, and of course, in-person interaction.

I’m aware that at some point, probably soon, people are going to forget me if I don’t start writing again. I’m sure this is already starting. I really don’t want this to happen.I love words and writing, arranging words into something whole, and hopefully beautiful. I like that people read my stuff, and when someone tells me that something I wrote affected them. I don’t want to be forgotten, and I don’t want to disappear before I’ve written something of real importance, something that feels important to me anyways.  I’m just stuck, and the desire to write things, anything, isn’t in me. I’m drowning in anxiety, and fear, and a certain emptiness, and ennui. I hate these feelings, though they’re so completely familiar. The thing is, I don’t feel “lost,” I’m not lost. I know where I want to be, what I want to feel, I know everything I want. I always know what I want, I’ve never not known. This, it’s like a bad dream, and I can’t wake up. I so can’t wake up.

Still, I need to write. I need to force myself to write, something, anything, everyday. Maybe everyday. I need to try, at least.