Oct 13
Quitting people
I’ve quit many things, sitting up, breathing without machines, various narcotics, talking. Really, none of it terribly difficult overall, not compared to, say, quitting people. I mean, physical losses are pretty easy. I cannot talk, that’s just a fact. There are other ways to communicate, one adapts. It’s difficult at first, but facts are facts. A fellow can’t expect to live on narcotics either, just watch Most High or A Scanner Darkly and it’s obvious to see where that road ends. So, fine, narcotics, done.
However, quitting people, or a person you honestly love more than any drug, more than your own voice, it’s something I just don’t know how to do, and might never know. That idea is a little frightening. Quitting a person’s so entirely different, there’s no way, that I’m aware, to intellectualize or rationalize it. I mean, I know it’s been done, and that sometimes there’s absolutely no way around it. That’s a very rational line of thought. Still, when looking up at a clear night sky and thinking about that person, rationality jumps from a little metaphorical window and says, “fuck you,” on the way out.
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I think about people who I’ve had to quit who I’ve loved so much and as time goes by I miss them more and more and more – not less…what changes is how I cope with the pain and emptiness. I close my eyes and dream about them all the time. Even after 30 years the yearning is deep … the pain in my heart and mind is part of who I am … it’s there as part of my daily existence – If I try to fight it or not think about it – it only gets worse…
I have often “quit” people through my life, but in all honesty I think it was so easy, because I never really let any of them in. To “quit” someone that was in, I’d have to make them to be worse than they truely are first, then I could begin to convince myself I didn’t like them, then I could “quit” them.
The worst is when that person is toxic and you know you should quit them. . .but you are so addicted to them that the very thought makes you unable to breathe. I have been trying to quit a certain person for about a year and I am unable to do it.
Quitting people for me is either frighteningly easy or pathetically difficult. What everyone else said is true … when you let someone in, more than you’ve ever let anyone in, it’s nigh impossible to let them float away. And then I’m now in a circumstance where I can’t quit someone who never even considered letting me in to begin with. I wish I could live independent of irrational desires. But you’re right, too. Rationality and love (or whatever) are, no matter how hard we try, two totally separate concepts.
I’ve had my own valley’s of sorrow not getting over people. Anyway, thought I’d chime in, the post’s title reminded me of a TAL radio episode titled “Quitting”.
I don’t think I’ve ever quit people, even when the relationship doesn’t work out. When you truly love people, they become a part of you. I am a compilation of my core self, my experiences and the people in my life who I have loved. People you love change you, and in a good way if you let it be that way.