My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

So, this woman I’ve loved for a very long time, years, she’s quit me. It’s, I’ve earned it, I think. I don’t know. I just have to face it, and deal with it, and not break. I really cannot break. I just have to not break.

So, the last two posts are some nonsense, but it’s grammatically correct nonsense. I’m just trying to write, anything. Elliott Smith has this song, New Monkey, and the one line that always really gets me goes, “got a whole lot of empty time left to go, now you’ve gotta’ fill it with something…” Then it ends, “Anything is better than nothing…” It’s a very autobiographical song, a big theme is the idea of being unhappy, being fucked up, but writing anyway. He was a musician, but his songs are often about writing. I see him as a writer, his writing is tattooed all over me.

Anyway, I’m trying to fill that empty time, and trying to be me again.

So, I just noticed the blog had 13 categories, which I decided couldn’t be good. It’s just not a savory number, 13, nothing good ever came of it. The horror fiction-sphere cannot be wrong. Example, one of my favorite movies is 1408, a movie about an “evil fucking room,” a hotel room. The rest of the hotel was fine, people loved the pillow mints, great amenities, it was just that one room, 1408, it killed people. Well, 1+4+0+8= 13. It’s just not a number to have around. To fix this issue, I’ve trashed a category. Turtle Erotica is no more, on account of the fact that aside from the one story, I doubt I’ll ever write about turtles having sex ever again. It’s just not in the cards.

12 categories, much safer.

It’s been weeks, weeks and weeks since I’ve written here. This place is such a shadow of what it used to be, it’s such a wandering ghost. It really does haunt me. I mean, I remember just writing whatever was in my head and it felt good after I wrote. I always felt less heavy inside, and people who stumbled upon the words tended to like reading them. I’ve just been lost, really, really lost. I want to be found. Who’s going to find me?

This place reflects me, this place is empty. What’s that say about me for the last long while? Or maybe I’m not empty, it’s really more that, I’m so full of things that I hate. I have done things that I hate, things that I never thought I’d do. Horrible things that make me feel black inside. I never set out to do something bad, I don’t think that I’m inherently a bad person, but I might feel better if I were. I wouldn’t feel guilt over anything, I wouldn’t feel any empathy toward who I hurt. My soul wouldn’t feel like it’s deformed.

Given enough stress and enough loneliness, history shows that I’m going to make bad decisions. I need to not do that, maybe starting right now. Used to be, I’d just go drink enough vodka or bourbon to kill a pony. That was so much simpler, just sort of a self-destructive thing that depressed writers in particular seem really keen on. Those days I miss, comparatively speaking. This other lapse, it’s so far from the me in my head, I can’t, I cannot believe I went down that road, several times. Something really bad happened to me as a result of the last time and I earned that scar and that’s fine. I know I’m kind of rambling, writing without really showing anything. I just, I want everything to be unfucked. I want to just be a good person, I want to do good things. I am genuinely sorry to someone, I won’t repeat the wrongs again. I don’t want to carry the sin anymore.

I don’t know how it got to all this. I only want one simple thing in the entire fucking world. I feel like I’m running out of time, so fast. I’m scared.

I’m disappearing, a nothing into nothingness.

Who Knows?

There’s a tattoo in here somewhere.

I’m still working on this…

There was once, many years ago, this turtle named, Kurt. Kurt was very slow, and very melancholy. He was the slowest, most melancholy turtle in all of Turtleeville. Turtleville being the largest settlement of turtle-folk for a thousand miles in any direction.

The story goes that a group of turtles, just ten friends, five ladies and five fellows, decided they’d leave home and walk to The Edge of the World. They were, of course, mocked, as no such place could possibly exist. Every turtle knew that the world went on forever, forever and ever. These ten turtles, however, insisted that, if they just walked long enough, and far enough, they’d reach the much laughed at, Edge of the World.

So, they said their goodbyes, some called them the stupidest turtle-folk ever to be hatched, others called them whimsical adventurers, brave enough to follow their hearts, and with such chatter at their backs, they walked. They walked for what felt like a century, they lost count of how many starry night-skies they slept underneath, and how many orangey sunrises they woke to. They just walked, and walked, and kept walking, determined to prove that they were whimsically brave, not stupid.

Being turtles, nothing particularly exciting happened, as nothing particularly exciting ever happens to turtle-folk. They just walked, and walked, and walked a little more. I say a little, not because they did, at very long last, reach the Edge of the World, but rather, they just stopped walking.

One day, they stopped to graze on the green grass under the shade of a majestic oak tree, the largest, most magnificent oak they’d ever laid eyes on. After their lunch, which was delicious, they went for a drink from a nearby lazy stream, the slowest stream with the clearest water they’d ever so seen. This stream was so clear, the turtles could plainly see, and have conversation with, the stream’s resident fish. The fish, who all spoke in unison as is the way fish speak to air-breathers, invited the turtles to stay and relax, just for another night. “Stay!,” they said. “You look tired!,” they said. “Rest!,” they said. The turtles were tired, and they did want to rest, so they stayed. Just the night, they agreed with each other. Except, it wasn’t just the one night. The turtles would wake for breakfast, the green grass under that gorgeous oak. They’d go for a drink from that crystal clear stream, walk along its bank, talk with the unfamiliar fishes. This could take half a day, maybe more. After all, turtles are turtles. After the breakfast and the libation and the walking with the talking, the fishes always repeated the same three statements. “Stay!,” they said. “You look tired!,” they said. “Rest!,” they said. This went on in the same way for two weeks, until the turtles all realized something. They realized that they enjoyed the grass and the giant shady oak and that stream of water like glass, and talking with the now familiar fishes. They were happy there, finding the Edge of the World didn’t seem any better than staying right where they were. They walked enough. They stayed. They stayed, fell in love, built little turtle homes, started little turtle families. Their journey to find someplace very old ended up creating so much that was new, particularly, Turtleville, and eventually, a turtle named, Kurt. This story really is about him, after all.

Do I bother finishing it?

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog's Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

I got this one, number fifty, a few nights ago. It’s a line from one of my favorite Tori Amos songs, Blood Roses.

I know why I got it, and maybe someone else knows, and that’s really enough.

Generally, I explain them, in great detail, but a few of my tattoos don’t belong to everyone,

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog's Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

This is my first foot tattoo, it’s from one of my favorite Elliott Smith songs, Angel in the Snow, off his posthumously released collection, New Moon.

I’d say you make a perfect

Angel in the snow

All crushed out on the way you are

Better stop before it goes too far

Don’t you know that I love you?

Sometimes i feel like only a cold still life

That fell down here to lay beside you

Don’t you know that i love you?

Sometimes I feel like only a cold still life

Only a frozen still life

That fell down here to lay beside you

It’s such a beautiful little song, and sad. Falling so hard, feeding so… apart.

Tattoo by Colt, Doc Dog's Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

I got this on my birthday, it’s from Elliott Smith’s song, Pretty (Ugly Before), which is off his sixth record, From a Basement on the Hill.

It’s supposed to remind me not to push someone I love away, just to make sure I’m really wanted, really loved.

Supposed to.