My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Archive for the 'Life' Category

Tattoo #86

November 29th, 2019 | Category: Life
Tattoo by Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor…

So, this tattoo is arbitrarily #86, off of Aimee Mann’s Lost in Space from a song by the same name. I say it’s arbitrarily #86 because I really don’t remember exactly when I got it other than it was within the past six-ish years. I feel like I got it at the start of my… bad years, the song definitely matches how I was feeling at the time; broken, sad, astonishingly apathetic.

Anyways, we’ll call this #86. Oh, and why the bad years? Maybe we’ll get to that, we have nine tattoos to go.


What’s up?

November 09th, 2019 | Category: Life

So, I’m going around humming Kurt Cobain’s cover of The Beatles’ And I Love Her… That’s how I’m doing…

I’m with someone, and I love her, I love her so fucking much. I don’t say that lightly, we didn’t just meet… but that is another story in a story in a story that is not a story for today. I just, I haven’t felt like this, ever. I’ve been in love before, of course, but those loves weren’t what I feel now. I’m thinking about things I’ve never thought about, and wanting things I never even imagined I’d want. Yes, I know, a little vague, but I’m not up for sweeping narratives just now, not now. My thoughts scare me some, as new thoughts can do, I’m not ready to write them. Still, I want to write something, want to document the big long now.

I’m happy, in the big long now, I’m happy.


No Name #12

October 06th, 2019 | Category: Life

She held me up, spun me ’round.

She faded into me.

We found some beautiful place to get lost.

We’ve lived so many songs together.

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Touched the lights of the canyon…

September 28th, 2019 | Category: Life
Life is good, I look around and think I’m in the right neighborhood…

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It’s real…

September 25th, 2019 | Category: Life

The world really is a beautiful and radiant place.


My everyone…

September 20th, 2019 | Category: Life

You took a couple pictures of me once
On some winter night long ago
Simply of me, you might not call them beautiful
I take them everywhere I go
But you are everyone, you are everyone

Dar Williams

You are my everyone, you’re it. I want to fall asleep holding you, and wake up to your sleepy smile, your beautiful Fall-colored eyes. You are my everyone, and I love you. I wasted too many years apart from you, and I’m so fucking sorry.

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Tattoo writings

August 05th, 2019 | Category: Life

So, I currently have 95 tattoos, but I’ve posted only 85. A sorry state of affairs, I know. It’s just, I’ve been pretty… down these past seven-ish years, and while I love my tattoos, have chosen each one with care, I guess I quit caring about documenting them. Though, that isn’t really true, I do care, quite a lot. I care about writing, I care about the blog, I care about maintaining this sort of live memoir. Sadness is a tricky, awful business. I want to shutter said business, lock up and go home. Of course, it’s not as easy as all that, as easy as metaphorical keys and tumblers turning and locks locking away the sads. I want to go home, but when home is a person, it’s not as simple as asking some passerby directions once you’ve lost your way.

Documenting the tattoos, however, is simple. Ten pictures, ten posts, ten days.


That shoddy wall

July 28th, 2019 | Category: Life

It really is true, once you fall in love, really fall, all the way, it doesn’t stop. If you’re apart, you brick that love behind a wall otherwise you’d go insane. You try to keep it sound, lie to yourself about how you feel, but the bricks are cheap, you use off-brand mortar, and once you’re in the same room with her, it’s brutally obvious how shoddy that wall turned out. Even after, say, 7 years, one look into her eyes, the sound of her voice, and that wall is gone and you’re fucking gone. You’re lost looking at her, there’s nothing else, just her.

Just her, and getting lost feels just fine, so long as it’s with her.

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SSL party 2019!

June 23rd, 2019 | Category: Life

So, the blog has joined the ranks of SSL protected sites, a fancy https address. All the links you get to my posts will be safe and sound.

I haven’t QUITE figured out how to make the not-secure churlish teen url redirect to the secure fatherly url, but I will. Blog regulars can update your bookmarks to…

Our baby is growing up!


Whatever, whenever

June 19th, 2019 | Category: Life

How do you know you’re in love? I just knew, the first time I saw Sara’s hazel eyes, the intelligence in those eyes, her chestnut hair, I knew. I know that’s how it happened, I know the sound of her voice, the thoughts in her head, everything about her just confirmed what my eyes already told me. Though, I guess one question from her, later, and the answer I gave made things crystal clear. I realized I wanted to be with her, whatever, whenever. 

Now, I’m scared of water, beyond scared, really. Being quite physically disabled, like, I can only move my face disabled, water just isn’t my friend. I could move more many, many years ago, but never enough to where water and I could ever be pals. I’ve had some bad experiences, my wariness isn’t  totally irrational. My personal favorite is the time I almost drowned myself with a gardenhose. I was really little, Kindergarten-ish, yet I remember the experience vividly, because of nearly suffocating in such an absurd way. I’ve had bad experiences in swimming pools too,

I’m quite terrified of swimming pools, way more than gardenhoses. I once was with a physical therapist at a pool, she was holding me in a seated position on the pool’s second step; I couldn’t sit up by myself, but I could move my head, my arms. I figured I’d tilt my head underwater, blow some bubbles, and return to the air. I’d done it before, no problem. Except, that time my neck muscles decided to give up the ghost, I couldn’t lift my head. That’s my experience with Spinal Musctular Atrophy; my muscles degraded so slowly it was barely noticeable, then total drop offs. One day I could pick up a pen to write my name, then I couldn’t. One day I could lift my head, then I couldn’t. When it was plain that I couldn’t get my head out of the water I panicked and tried to breathe, obviously that didn’t work. Fortunately, I think I had two things going for me; gravity and weak respiratory muscles. I was face down, and I couldn’t inhale strongly enough to bring water into my lungs. It was more like trying to breathe against a plastic bag; a substance was blocking the air, but not getting into me to do any damage. The therapist clearly pulled my head up, I didn’t die, but I’ve been terribly afraid of swimming pools most of my life.

At any rate, I think we’ve established that my fear of water, especially assisted pool activities, isn’t unfounded. Still, what do my watery derangements have to do with love?

Well, after that first date, I knew I wanted to see Sara again, and again and again and again. I’d never been so drawn to someone. So, when Sara asked, “Are you into Battlestar?” I was all, “Yeah!” However, my only actual knowledge of Battlestar Galactica was an obscure allusion to it on The Simpsons, and that was to the 70s version. So, I watched two seasons in one weekend by way of Amazon and DVDs, because her follow-up question was, “Want to come over and watch this week’s episode? Are you caught-up?” I wasn’t, of course, caught up, but like I said, I got caught-up on the double-quick.

I’d do whatever, whenever, so long as it was with Sara. I proved this as fact the day she asked, “Hey, would you want to go swimming with me?” To which I replied, “Sure!” Just like that, “Sure!” Her apartment had a pool, and we were going to spend an afternoon together… swimming. I didn’t hesitate, I wasn’t scared. I think my assistant and friend, Steven, was scared. I think Steven thought I was crazy when I told him what we were doing. I know I thought I was crazy, but I wasn’t scared. I mean, way back when I wore a mask over my nose, connected to a hose, connected to a machine that pushed air into my lungs, not quite as unsafe as floating in a swimming-pool trached, but still not not unsafe. I didn’t care about safety, safety was Steven’s care, or Sara’s. That was really key, in Sara’s hands I always felt total abject safety, a feeling that’s plenty rare for me. I knew, for a fact, that she’d never let anything bad happen to me. Neither would Steven, but with him it was that experience proved it. With Sara, at least then, it was faith that I felt as fact. I wasn’t wrong.

Sara held me in the cool water, Steven quietly freaking out pool-side. She held me close, yet still giving me that weightlessness she wanted me to experience. We were together, I was floating in what would, any other time, with any other person, have been a fucking nightmare, but it wasn’t. It was perfect.

Being with someone, whatever, whenever, that’s love, I think. 

This was over a decade ago, Sara”s way gone, so much is so different. I still love her, that hasn’t changed, I don’t see it ever changing. I think once you’re in love, once you fall all the way, it doesn’t stop. I’ve learned that three times.

No matter what, it’s a good story, almost nobody knows it ever happened.



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