My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

It’s been a really long week, I’m tired. I haven’t really been sleeping, I just get exhausted and shut down, then some horrible dream wakes me… It’s a loop. I have too much in my head, too much weight on me. I can’t even write anything simple, I’m too tired.

So, I’ve renewed this domain for another year. Is it three years I’ve been doing this, writing this blog? It doesn’t feel like three years, but it is, three years of me writing here. As a whole, I took I’m creating what I’ve always intended,  a constantly evolving memoir of sorts. The last few months just haven’t been good, I’m not writing the way I want, I’ve gone off the track in many ways.

I’m going to turn this around, I can’t not.

So, I’ve definitely become a Kindle snob. I do all my reading with the Kindle for Mac app, which’s getting very robust. One new feature is Highlights & Notes, basically you can highlight passages and make margin notes. It seems simple, but I’ve never been able to mark up a book before, yet I’d always liked the idea. It’s really kind of romantic, marking words that feel important, then adding your own words and creating something new. It really helps me focus on the reading too, I’m intently looking for new passages to add to my collection. I feel like I’m building something, and words arranged beautifully are valuable, I like gathering them, keeping them all for myself. I also think creating margin notes is ultimately good for my own writing, it’s good just getting my thoughts out and organized. I can’t write in a vacuum, other people’s work inspires my own, keeping notes is a good way to solidify new ideas.

Eventually, I will start writing again, it’s what I do. It’s been a long slump, and I’m honestly embarrassed, and ashamed. I feel like I’m letting people down, like I’m wasting so much. I’m better than this, I’m going to be me again. In the meantime, I have my margin notes.

So, today simply got away from me, it was hectic. There was a power outage, my vent has between ten and thirty minutes of internal backup power, but I was with some new people who just hadn’t been io that particular situation. They were smart and handled it spectacularly, but it wasn’t automatic, I was more on edge, more shook up than I should have been. I wasn’t calm inside. I’m issuing orders, “You need to go get a vent battery right now.” I wasn’t myself, I feel bad about it. I was too on-edge after.

Anyway, tomorrow, I really write.

Tomorrow, tomorrow I will focus and write something real.

So, I’m still struggling with writing, with a lot. I’m working on it.

I’ve been reading this book by Catherynne M. Valente, The Habitation of the Blessed: A Dirge for Prester John, Volume One. It’s good, and I’ll write a review after I finish, but one quote caught my attention…

“Distraction is the enemy of perfection.”

I will never be remotely close to perfection, it seems. I’m drowning in distraction, and melancholy, and…

So, I’ve been writing lots about politics… I’m just so sucked in, so engrossed in this crazy political landscape of ours. It’s just scary. Still, I’ll start writing something else. Soon.

This is Tea Party darling, Congress-woman, Michelle Bachmann, and a classic example of Tea Party interview strategy. If you get cornered by a real journalist, someone outside FOX News, stick to one across the board answer to every single question. Give absolutely no real answers.

So, the Republicans won big enough, they took the House, a bunch of Tea Party nuts won. Rand “The Civil Rights Act Was a Bad Idea” Paul won. I don’t understand how people could think this road is better, giving power back to the people who spent eight years digging the hole that has everyone so angry.

How could President Obama and the Democrats turn that disaster around in two years, especially with Republicans rubber-stamping everything with a giant “NO?” They slowed our progress, on purpose, in order to say, “See, the Democrats aren’t helping you.” They sold America out to gain enough political capital to win the mid-terms. They prayed to their gay-hating God that people wouldn’t notice their ploy, and people didn’t notice. They keep talking about debt, the American people spoke out about debt. Who gave us that debt? Who got us into two wars? Who gave the richest Americans massive tax-cuts, while letting everyone else suffer? Who de-regulated Wall-Street to a degree that nearly killed our economy? The Republicans did those things. It’s disgusting, I’m disgusted.