My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

So, a few weeks ago, I had some sinus surgery. This did not help me, physically or psychologically. I was pretty hazy on Demerol leaving the hospital, the kind of hazy that produces thoughts like, “What if I’ve died and this is actually Hell?” For minutes at a time these thoughts seem completely true. Then, “No, shut up, don’t be stupid. You’re breathing, you’re not dead.” I remember all the nurses, Lauren (my assistant), even the parking valets, they’re all talking about how “tough” I am. They said, “Mike’s so tough.” They said,  “Nobody’s tougher than Mike.” I never feel tough, I was busy arguing with myself whether or not I was dead and in Hell. I felt tiny, scared, old. I think people mistake quiet for tough. I’m not tough, in my head, I’m not tough. I wanted to go right back to my little room, have more Demerol and forget the pain in my face, all the scared in my heart. Though, the drugs, that’s just a fix for a fix. Drugs, liquor, either/or, they’re just a fake feeling of warm, safe, the pretend versions of a love’s touch, kiss, warm brown eyes to tell you you’re not alone. Those are real fixes, for me anyways. That’s all I ever want.

I’m still not me yet, I’m on some anti-biotics that are making me feel sick, which makes me nervous. My head’s a mess. I’ve been trying to hold it together for weeks, and obviously not.

So, I’m back from visiting the hospital for the last week. I picked up another sinus infection, that’s two in the last two decades, both in 2010. Go 2010, fuck yeah! 2010 has been a really fucked up year, but can I write about any of it, any part of it that Goddamn fuckin’ matters? No, of course not, not really. If I were really hardcore about transparency, really dedicated, I’d just write everything. I’d write it all and fuck the consequences. Write it all no matter what. Right? Or…

Is there a difference between “personal transparency” and something like… “interpersonal transparency?” I don’t have any problem writing about the thoughts in my head that pertain to me. That’s easy. No matter what happens, I have that covered. ماكينات القمار However, when it comes to writing about people in my life, those people and those relationships, and how they affect me, and how I affect them, and the way we’re all tied together, no. Apparently, I can’t.

The whole point of this blog is transparency. The fiction I write is okay and all, but I’m pretty sure that readers would much rather read posts full of bleeding edge, unflinching honesty about whatever’s in my head. بلاك جاك كازينو When I was lonely and introspective, that was easy. As things are right now, certain people dominate my thoughts, these people and the ways we affect each other, and the ways we’re all strung together. That’s what is most important in my life, but I can’t write it. The writing wouldn’t just affect me, I’d be dragging the people I love and care about most into my crazy transparency experiment. That doesn’t feel right.

So, if I’m being selective about the ways in which I’m being transparent, am I not being true to why I started this blog? قواعد لعبة البوكر Is transparency an all or nothing kind of commitment? Who the fuck knows? I don’t know. I need to think about this awhile.

So, it’s been an odd week, capped off by the death of one of my more important external hard drives. Granted, it’s a drive that potentially had me Hell-bound, but I miss it just the same. One might wonder how a hard drive could hold sway over my immortal soul. Well, back when I was in the hospital, becoming what I became, I was talking to God a lot. He’s not much of a conversationalist, but He’s the easiest to talk to when one can’t talk. So, I was quite desperate not to die and I figured God was a good way to prevent it.

I’m not religious, but I’m also not one who only believes in God sometimes. No, I believe in God all the time. I believe that God is constantly watching and looking for reasons to take me downtown to Chinatown. Our relationship is a little dysfunctional. On the one hand, I totally believe that He has watched out for me on many occasions. I mean, my heart stopped last year, by rights it shouldn’t be beating right now, but it is. The odds were incredibly against me, but here I am. I chalk that up to God. Yet, at the same time, I totally believe that I do things to earn His wrath and wrath I get. For some reason, He always seems to make sure I ultimately end up okay. No, I don’t blame God for every single problem I ever had, but I don’t cross him off the list of usual suspects either.

Anyway, back to the hospital and the hard drive. During one of my talks with God, grasping at straws, I told Him I’d never rip another DVD I didn’t own or download any kind of entertainment I could legally buy. I got rid of everything I had at the time. God was Martin Blank with a gun to my face and I was the guy in bed saying, “whatever it is I’m doing that you don’t like, I’ll stop doing it.” I just didn’t want God to pull that trigger. Well, of course, a year and a half and hundreds of torrent files later, I had over 200 GB worth of movies and tv shows completely contradicting every promise I made. I lost all of it Thursday night. Hopefully, I won’t end up going to Hell.