My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

And… we’re back! Oh, and fuck you, 2010! And some talk about transparency…

July 07th, 2010 | Category: Life

So, I’m back from visiting the hospital for the last week. I picked up another sinus infection, that’s two in the last two decades, both in 2010. Go 2010, fuck yeah! 2010 has been a really fucked up year, but can I write about any of it, any part of it that Goddamn fuckin’ matters? No, of course not, not really. If I were really hardcore about transparency, really dedicated, I’d just write everything. I’d write it all and fuck the consequences. Write it all no matter what. Right? Or…

Is there a difference between “personal transparency” and something like… “interpersonal transparency?” I don’t have any problem writing about the thoughts in my head that pertain to me. That’s easy. No matter what happens, I have that covered. ماكينات القمار However, when it comes to writing about people in my life, those people and those relationships, and how they affect me, and how I affect them, and the way we’re all tied together, no. Apparently, I can’t.

The whole point of this blog is transparency. The fiction I write is okay and all, but I’m pretty sure that readers would much rather read posts full of bleeding edge, unflinching honesty about whatever’s in my head. بلاك جاك كازينو When I was lonely and introspective, that was easy. As things are right now, certain people dominate my thoughts, these people and the ways we affect each other, and the ways we’re all strung together. That’s what is most important in my life, but I can’t write it. The writing wouldn’t just affect me, I’d be dragging the people I love and care about most into my crazy transparency experiment. That doesn’t feel right.

So, if I’m being selective about the ways in which I’m being transparent, am I not being true to why I started this blog? قواعد لعبة البوكر Is transparency an all or nothing kind of commitment? Who the fuck knows? I don’t know. I need to think about this awhile.


Tattoo #37

June 14th, 2010 | Category: Life,Tattoos

Tattoo by Fish, Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

This, my thirty-seventh tattoo, is from one of my favorite Aimee Mann songs, Susan, which is from her album, Bachelor No. 2 (Or, The Last Remains of the Dodo).

Susan is a song about a relationship. This woman, she meets a fellow, and he makes her really happy, keeps the storm clouds away. Going in, she knows it’s not going to last, that she’ll be lonely again and he won’t be able to drag her out, but none of that matters. She goes anyway. Happiness “may be pure illusion, but it’s beautiful while it’s here…”

It’s a very melancholy, but often very true idea. It’s an idea that’s true of absolutely anything, any human experience. Nothing good in life is guaranteed to last until one drops dead. There’s always the risk of lost love, or rejection, or failure, or returning loneliness, or any bad thing imaginable, but the risks are worth taking. Everything good that we feel is potentially temporary, potentially an illusion, but that illusion can feel pretty fuckin’ awesome when you’re smack in the middle of it. Illusions always have the possibility of turning out to be real. Illusions and possibilities are reasons enough to keep breathing, reasons enough for me anyway.

Sometimes, I just think too far ahead, I think about endings more than the beauty of right now. I’m always trying to remember to enjoy the good things right in front of me. Tattoos are good reminders of things that shouldn’t be tossed away and forgotten, they’re reminders you carry wherever you go.

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