My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

So, in about an hour, I’ll be on the road to Cincinnati to see a trach specialist. I’ll be back online regularly, probably Monday.

I feel like I should write something important right now, but…this big ball of sad isn’t worth even filling with air…

I’m just going to write the thoughts in my head because I need to start writing again, and anything is probably better than nothing. Unless the anything is a bunch of boring stuff that’s really boring, so I’ll try to avoid that…

Right now, I’m thinking about someone, two someones. I’ve been in love with someone for a long time, for years. لعب روليت حقيقي Monica, she’s everything to me, nobody has ever affected me like her. We click, being with her, it’s as natural as breathing. Around her, I feel like the me in my head, I’ve never had to wear a mask to make her love me. She does love me, she loves me exactly as I am, all the shininess, and the dark darkness. I am genuinely happy when I’m with her, I feel peace. It’s just, our relationship hasn’t been a straight-line. لعبة روليت للايفون

We’ve been in love for so long, best friends who so wanted more. Getting to more, it just didn’t seem like it would ever happen. We’d get SO CLOSE, then not. It almost didn’t happen, I honestly thought I’d lost her. That feeling was probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I wrote things like Christmas in a park, Telling a story, The world outside is burning… There were things she thought she couldn’t tell me, for months we barely talked, let alone fell asleep holding each other. The distance was bad, and I thought it permanent, but I had no idea why.

Jump ahead to where she tells me everything that kept us apart, jump to where she tells me she loves me, she doesn’t want to be without me any longer, she wants to be “us.” Jump back to where I’d started seeing someone else because being alone just hurt too much, jump to us being together for a month, jump to me leaving her and destroying her heart. I feel awful for hurting her. She said she loved me, and was nothing but good to me, but I couldn’t stay. I knew I belonged somewhere else, I couldn’t pretend otherwise anymore. I wanted to be good to her, to love her deeply, it just didn’t work. I think I was good to her, when I left I was just honest. Leaving wasn’t easy, I did have feelings for her, I told her so.

She didn’t take it so well, somewhere on tumblr there’s a blog partly dedicated to what a disgusting “womanizer” I am. Posts about how the stuff that comes out of the hole in my neck smells awful, how I suck because I’d never be able to open a car door for her, or cook dinner, or kiss her in certain places, then she gets really harsh. She basically put everything about me that scares me, everything I’m self-conscious about, into one nightmarish paragraph. She’s apologized and took a lot of it down. She said she wrote it specifically to hurt me because I hurt her, but she didn’t actually mean it. I understand that intellectually, and I still feel awful for hurting her the way I did, but what she wrote really fucked me up. I’ve been scared that when I kiss and touch, I’m a let-down, that a woman who’s with me is missing out on too much for me to be worth it. العاب تربح اموال حقيقية Monica says that just isn’t true, that she knows certain things with me are going to be different, but that’s okay, she loves me so much, but I’m scared anyway.

Jump ahead to right now. I know I’m in the right place, I’ve wanted to be here for so long.

So, after trying a new look for the blog for awhile, I’m back to the way things were. In lots of ways the new look was better, it had a fancy Twitter button, a way better search field, but it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t me. Things change so much, whether I want the change or not. Maybe this blog just needs to stay familiar? I don’t know, something was just off.

Speaking of off, my writing sure as shit isn’t right. I can’t let this go, I have to do something.

So, my blog has looked the same for years. It was nice and all, but today I thought I’d try something different. I think things like look a little more sleek and sophisticated now, maybe.

What do you readers think? Do you like the new look, or should I ditch it?

So, apparently I can’t manage 500 words per-day. Nothing in my head seems even remotely compelling. I’m bored, and lonely, and sick of me.

I need a muse.

The book I reviewed yesterday kind of inspired me toward something. Cesar Torres challenged himself to write a story a day at a thousand words each, for twelve days. When it was all over, he ended up with a book. I’m not quite so ambitious, not yet anyway, I don’t think I have that much fiction in me. I can, however, blog. I can always blog. So, I’m going to blog at least five hundred words per day during May. Maybe I’ll fail miserably, we’ll see…

Dear Diary,

Today I was actually very sad. The nice lady with the puppy was hit by a BIG truck running across the street after her puppy. What does d-e-c-a-p-i-t-a-t-e-d mean? Daddy lost his job and said we can’t afford to feed my tabby kittens anymore, so he drowned them in the bathtub. The nice ice-cream man was going to give me another free ice-cream sammich, but I had to go in the truck to get it, then he touched me in a BAD place and I ran. I told mamma and she told a police-man who took the ice-cream man away. I didn’t get my sammich. An older boy at school was making fun me and I told him to stop because Jesus loves me. He said Jesus is burning in Hell because He let Himself get crucified and that’s suicide. I don’t understand what that means, but I cried and cried because I don’t want Jesus burning.

I’m very sad.

Dear Diary,

Today I was so happy. I got to pet an adorable puppy and I adopted a basket of six tabby kittens from the nice lady walking the cute little puppy. Then, the ice-cream man gave me a free ice-cream sammich just because I’m SO nice and Jesus loves nice people, he said. I believe him because mamma tells me Jesus loves me all the time.

Nothing makes me sad, nope. Not ever.

Author Catherynne M. Valente wrote an amazing post over at Ecstatic Days on how sci-fi has prepared her for the future…

Sara’s second article is in the Boston Globe, but this time… it’s on the front page! She’s so ridiculously badassed… شرح البوكر

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