My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jun 23

SSL party 2019!

Category: Life

So, the blog has joined the ranks of SSL protected sites, a fancy https address. All the links you get to my posts will be safe and sound.

I haven’t QUITE figured out how to make the not-secure churlish teen url redirect to the secure fatherly url, but I will. Blog regulars can update your bookmarks to… https://lithiumcreations.com.

Our baby is growing up!

2 comments

Jun 19

Whatever, whenever

Category: Life

How do you know you’re in love? I just knew, the first time I saw Sara’s hazel eyes, the intelligence in those eyes, her chestnut hair, I knew. I know that’s how it happened, I know the sound of her voice, the thoughts in her head, everything about her just confirmed what my eyes already told me. Though, I guess one question from her, later, and the answer I gave made things crystal clear. I realized I wanted to be with her, whatever, whenever. 

Now, I’m scared of water, beyond scared, really. Being quite physically disabled, like, I can only move my face disabled, water just isn’t my friend. I could move more many, many years ago, but never enough to where water and I could ever be pals. I’ve had some bad experiences, my wariness isn’t  totally irrational. My personal favorite is the time I almost drowned myself with a gardenhose. I was really little, Kindergarten-ish, yet I remember the experience vividly, because of nearly suffocating in such an absurd way. I’ve had bad experiences in swimming pools too,

I’m quite terrified of swimming pools, way more than gardenhoses. I once was with a physical therapist at a pool, she was holding me in a seated position on the pool’s second step; I couldn’t sit up by myself, but I could move my head, my arms. I figured I’d tilt my head underwater, blow some bubbles, and return to the air. I’d done it before, no problem. Except, that time my neck muscles decided to give up the ghost, I couldn’t lift my head. That’s my experience with Spinal Musctular Atrophy; my muscles degraded so slowly it was barely noticeable, then total drop offs. One day I could pick up a pen to write my name, then I couldn’t. One day I could lift my head, then I couldn’t. When it was plain that I couldn’t get my head out of the water I panicked and tried to breathe, obviously that didn’t work. Fortunately, I think I had two things going for me; gravity and weak respiratory muscles. I was face down, and I couldn’t inhale strongly enough to bring water into my lungs. It was more like trying to breathe against a plastic bag; a substance was blocking the air, but not getting into me to do any damage. The therapist clearly pulled my head up, I didn’t die, but I’ve been terribly afraid of swimming pools most of my life.

At any rate, I think we’ve established that my fear of water, especially assisted pool activities, isn’t unfounded. Still, what do my watery derangements have to do with love?

Well, after that first date, I knew I wanted to see Sara again, and again and again and again. I’d never been so drawn to someone. So, when Sara asked, “Are you into Battlestar?” I was all, “Yeah!” However, my only actual knowledge of Battlestar Galactica was an obscure allusion to it on The Simpsons, and that was to the 70s version. So, I watched two seasons in one weekend by way of Amazon and DVDs, because her follow-up question was, “Want to come over and watch this week’s episode? Are you caught-up?” I wasn’t, of course, caught up, but like I said, I got caught-up on the double-quick.

I’d do whatever, whenever, so long as it was with Sara. I proved this as fact the day she asked, “Hey, would you want to go swimming with me?” To which I replied, “Sure!” Just like that, “Sure!” Her apartment had a pool, and we were going to spend an afternoon together… swimming. I didn’t hesitate, I wasn’t scared. I think my assistant and friend, Steven, was scared. I think Steven thought I was crazy when I told him what we were doing. I know I thought I was crazy, but I wasn’t scared. I mean, way back when I wore a mask over my nose, connected to a hose, connected to a machine that pushed air into my lungs, not quite as unsafe as floating in a swimming-pool trached, but still not not unsafe. I didn’t care about safety, safety was Steven’s care, or Sara’s. That was really key, in Sara’s hands I always felt total abject safety, a feeling that’s plenty rare for me. I knew, for a fact, that she’d never let anything bad happen to me. Neither would Steven, but with him it was that experience proved it. With Sara, at least then, it was faith that I felt as fact. I wasn’t wrong.

Sara held me in the cool water, Steven quietly freaking out pool-side. She held me close, yet still giving me that weightlessness she wanted me to experience. We were together, I was floating in what would, any other time, with any other person, have been a fucking nightmare, but it wasn’t. It was perfect.

Being with someone, whatever, whenever, that’s love, I think. 

This was over a decade ago, Sara”s way gone, so much is so different. I still love her, that hasn’t changed, I don’t see it ever changing. I think once you’re in love, once you fall all the way, it doesn’t stop. I’ve learned that three times.

No matter what, it’s a good story, almost nobody knows it ever happened.

SaveSave

6 comments

Jun 13

The Words, (Or, Goddamn Beauty)

Category: Creative Flash

She saw the tall willow and started crying, my friend who’s ice-blue eyes never shed tears. I guess there was just too much Goddamn beauty in that old tree, or loneliness, or both.

I knew the words to unlock the locks. I slit her throat where her tears fell, said the words. Beautiful nightmares came.

2 comments

Jun 12

WordPress 5.2… and we’re back!

Category: Life

So, the blog has been down for over a week. An auto-update to WordPress 5.2 went sideways and hilarity ensued. Okay, not so much “hilarity” as me unsuccessfully trying to fix it, and me freaking out. However, as you can see, today I did the right sort of voodoo, made the right sacrifices to the Old Gods, and we’re back!

More posts are incoming…

2 comments

Apr 1

Tattoo #85

Category: Life,Tattoos
Tattoo by Aaron Garcia

Tattoo by Aaron Garcia

So, tattoo number eighty-five is absolutely one of my most ambitious tattoos. I haven’t kept up with my tattoo writings (or any writings, but I aim to remedy the situation), this one happened WAY back, at a tattoo convention.

It’s a rendering of the cover-art off of Nirvana’s third, final, and I think best record, In Utero. In Utero’s cover-art is a perfect metaphor for the record itself; Kurt Cobain took all the pain, the anger, the sadness he felt inside, and put it outside, it all bled out through every lyric.

This has always been my approach to writing, total honesty, all my light, all my dark, everything inside laid bare for anyone who cares to see.

This image will never not suit me, otherwise I wouldn’t be me.

No comments

Mar 31

It does other things!

Category: Life

So, I’m returning to the blog with a rant.

I am sick unto death of people acting like their phones and computers are simply Social Media Machines, Machines that are really sort of a burden. We have all these national “unplug” days, people gush about how freeing it is to put away their devices to get away from Twitter, Facebook et al, “and just curl up on the sofa with a book!” Because, you know digital books are a myth, our devices are simply locked Social Media kiosks. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode in which Jerry buys his dad one of the early digital organizers; it was an address book, a dictionary, an alarm clock, a date book, and a tip calculator. It had all sorts of functions, but as far as Jerry’s dad was concerned, it was ONLY a tip calculator. A really expensive tip calculator. So, Jerry eventually screams in frustration, “It does other things!” Whenever I hear someone say with relief, and a certain smugness, how amazing it is to unplug, to put away their technology, thus unchaining themselves from Facebook, I just want to scream, “It does other things!”

First, if you’ve allowed technology to become a burden, you’ve fucked up. If you spend six hours arguing about politics on Facebook, or uploading selfies to Instagram only to feel miserable, that’s on you. People blame Social Media for eating so much time, but that isn’t Social Media’s fault. Social Media is only a misery if you make it a misery. Also, if you look at your iPhone or MacBook or whatever with dread because you fear getting sucked into some Social Media vortex, remember, it does other things!

I spend… a lot of time with my Macs, and Social Media is just a tiny fraction of what I do. Our devices are libraries full of books, movie theaters that only show the movies we love best, concert venues where our favorite artists are always there to play. Our devices allow us to create art, visual art, word art, art for our ears. Our devices let us say, I love you, to that one person who means everything, even if they’ve gone far away. Our devices do so much, way more than Social Media, or calculating tips.

3 comments

Dec 6

WordPress 5.0… it’s here!

Category: Life

Well, I’m now running WordPress 5.0, and it’s different, drastically different.

2 comments

Sep 19

Ah ha!

Category: Life

So, apparently I don’t HAVE to change the look of the blog in order to use WordPress 5’s drastically new text-editor… and thus I won’t! I’ve always liked the look of the blog, it’s very 90s.

I?m very very 90s.

3 comments

Sep 18

New server, new look

Category: Life

 So, the blog is on its new server, a server that supports WordPress 5… I’m also trying new looks for the blog, looks that support WordPress 5. Don’t worry, I’m just experimenting, the blog isn’t permanently ugly!

No comments

Jul 23

So way behind…

Category: Life

I’m so way behind in my writing, it’s fucking ridiculous. I have, like, 15 tattoos I haven’t posted. I don’t even think I have goddamn pictures of some. I’m vexed, at myself, at others. This is supposed to be a something like a live memoir (as there’s other non-memoirish writing), and I’m not memoiring, or othering . Apathy, depression, ennui, whatever, the lack of writing is my fault. I just have to make myself write until something clicks or sticks or whatever voodoo happens to us writers who aren’t hearing the words.

Also, I have to move the blog to a new server, otherwise the blog goes dark.

3 comments

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