My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jun 19

Whatever, whenever

Category: Life

How do you know you’re in love? I just knew, the first time I saw Sara’s hazel eyes, the intelligence in those eyes, her chestnut hair, I knew. I know that’s how it happened, I know the sound of her voice, the thoughts in her head, everything about her just confirmed what my eyes already told me. Though, I guess one question from her, later, and the answer I gave made things crystal clear. I realized I wanted to be with her, whatever, whenever. 

Now, I’m scared of water, beyond scared, really. Being quite physically disabled, like, I can only move my face disabled, water just isn’t my friend. I could move more many, many years ago, but never enough to where water and I could ever be pals. I’ve had some bad experiences, my wariness isn’t  totally irrational. My personal favorite is the time I almost drowned myself with a gardenhose. I was really little, Kindergarten-ish, yet I remember the experience vividly, because of nearly suffocating in such an absurd way. I’ve had bad experiences in swimming pools too,

I’m quite terrified of swimming pools, way more than gardenhoses. I once was with a physical therapist at a pool, she was holding me in a seated position on the pool’s second step; I couldn’t sit up by myself, but I could move my head, my arms. I figured I’d tilt my head underwater, blow some bubbles, and return to the air. I’d done it before, no problem. Except, that time my neck muscles decided to give up the ghost, I couldn’t lift my head. That’s my experience with Spinal Musctular Atrophy; my muscles degraded so slowly it was barely noticeable, then total drop offs. One day I could pick up a pen to write my name, then I couldn’t. One day I could lift my head, then I couldn’t. When it was plain that I couldn’t get my head out of the water I panicked and tried to breathe, obviously that didn’t work. Fortunately, I think I had two things going for me; gravity and weak respiratory muscles. I was face down, and I couldn’t inhale strongly enough to bring water into my lungs. It was more like trying to breathe against a plastic bag; a substance was blocking the air, but not getting into me to do any damage. The therapist clearly pulled my head up, I didn’t die, but I’ve been terribly afraid of swimming pools most of my life.

At any rate, I think we’ve established that my fear of water, especially assisted pool activities, isn’t unfounded. Still, what do my watery derangements have to do with love?

Well, after that first date, I knew I wanted to see Sara again, and again and again and again. I’d never been so drawn to someone. So, when Sara asked, “Are you into Battlestar?” I was all, “Yeah!” However, my only actual knowledge of Battlestar Galactica was an obscure allusion to it on The Simpsons, and that was to the 70s version. So, I watched two seasons in one weekend by way of Amazon and DVDs, because her follow-up question was, “Want to come over and watch this week’s episode? Are you caught-up?” I wasn’t, of course, caught up, but like I said, I got caught-up on the double-quick.

I’d do whatever, whenever, so long as it was with Sara. I proved this as fact the day she asked, “Hey, would you want to go swimming with me?” To which I replied, “Sure!” Just like that, “Sure!” Her apartment had a pool, and we were going to spend an afternoon together… swimming. I didn’t hesitate, I wasn’t scared. I think my assistant and friend, Steven, was scared. I think Steven thought I was crazy when I told him what we were doing. I know I thought I was crazy, but I wasn’t scared. I mean, way back when I wore a mask over my nose, connected to a hose, connected to a machine that pushed air into my lungs, not quite as unsafe as floating in a swimming-pool trached, but still not not unsafe. I didn’t care about safety, safety was Steven’s care, or Sara’s. That was really key, in Sara’s hands I always felt total abject safety, a feeling that’s plenty rare for me. I knew, for a fact, that she’d never let anything bad happen to me. Neither would Steven, but with him it was that experience proved it. With Sara, at least then, it was faith that I felt as fact. I wasn’t wrong.

Sara held me in the cool water, Steven quietly freaking out pool-side. She held me close, yet still giving me that weightlessness she wanted me to experience. We were together, I was floating in what would, any other time, with any other person, have been a fucking nightmare, but it wasn’t. It was perfect.

Being with someone, whatever, whenever, that’s love, I think. 

This was over a decade ago, Sara”s way gone, so much is so different. I still love her, that hasn’t changed, I don’t see it ever changing. I think once you’re in love, once you fall all the way, it doesn’t stop. I’ve learned that three times.

No matter what, it’s a good story, almost nobody knows it ever happened.



6 Comments so far

  1. Shawn June 19th, 2019 8:29 am

    More knew about your love than you might think, by the way.

  2. Eve June 19th, 2019 10:09 am

    Yeah. Good story. Thank you for sharing. Can totally relate to the deep, deep fall. Memories, memories.

  3. John B June 19th, 2019 1:36 pm

    Hi Michael, what an excellent post! Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us. I was absolutely riveted…

    You’re writing skills are just amazing. Your use of grammar and sentence structure is awe inspiring. It’s so refreshing to read such advanced and intelligent writing these days.

    I always look forward to receiving the email notifications when there’s a new post from you. I used to post comments all the time. You privately responded to me on one of them that really helped me get through a very dark time in my life. I will be forever grateful to you for that.

    You also told me the name of the movie where that disabled ship flies into the sun. I was so intrigued by the movie. I have since forgotten the name of it again. I keep thinking it’s Solaris, but that’s not it.

    Anyhow, sorry for rambling. It’s been years since I’ve posted any comments (sorry), but I want you to know you are loved, especially from this dude in San Antonio.

  4. Russell June 19th, 2019 2:42 pm

    That is a great story. Love is powerful. I know that this happened.

  5. Joshua Smith June 20th, 2019 4:55 pm


  6. S June 25th, 2019 1:40 am

    I still love you too, you know. Always have. Always will. You’re right about that.