My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Archive for April, 2018

My voice

April 24th, 2018 | Category: Life

So, I’m here singing along with Aimee Mann, her record anyways, Mental Illness. Singing in my silent way, though, after all these years I still feel the words in my throat, still half expect to hear my voice when I move my lips just so. I didn’t particularly like my voice, especially my singing-voice, which makes me think of Sara…

Sara used to say she loved my voice, even singing, she actually liked when I sang. She said I always sang on-key. I wouldn’t really sing around most people, but I’d sing with Sara, lying together, morning sunlight dusting her face, listening to Elliott Smith, Tori Amos, Nirvana, Aimee Mann, whatever the whim of whichever playlist. I think, for the first time, the full measure of sadness that is in this record, that is in me, is hitting me. I don’t let the sad that’s in me out of late, but I can hear it in the singing-voice that’s only in my head, feel it collecting itself in my eyes. Aimee sings, I sing, She made her choices, and now that is that… and I miss her. I miss Sara, I miss Sara so goddamn fucking much.