My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Apr 24

My voice

Category: Life

So, I’m here singing along with Aimee Mann, her record anyways, Mental Illness. Singing in my silent way, though, after all these years I still feel the words in my throat, still half expect to hear my voice when I move my lips just so. I didn’t particularly like my voice, especially my singing-voice, which makes me think of Sara…

Sara used to say she loved my voice, even singing, she actually liked when I sang. She said I always sang on-key. I wouldn’t really sing around most people, but I’d sing with Sara, lying together, morning sunlight dusting her face, listening to Elliott Smith, Tori Amos, Nirvana, Aimee Mann, whatever the whim of whichever playlist. I think, for the first time, the full measure of sadness that is in this record, that is in me, is hitting me. I don’t let the sad that’s in me out of late, but I can hear it in the singing-voice that’s only in my head, feel it collecting itself in my eyes. Aimee sings, I sing, She made her choices, and now that is that… and I miss her. I miss Sara, I miss Sara so goddamn fucking much.




5 Comments so far

  1. Georgette April 25th, 2018 12:27 am

    Memories….we are grateful for them, and yet they can also bring us sadness….it truly sucks. I’m sorry you miss Sara….sending hugs for your sadness.

  2. Shawn April 25th, 2018 7:42 am

    Your your sadness now over a love lost so long ago is testimony of your capacity to love deeply and enduringly. No surprise to me.

  3. Rich Gopen April 25th, 2018 7:51 am

    Beautifully said, Michael. The ache is palpable. Stay strong, and don’t stop singing and writing.

  4. Lee Bukstein April 25th, 2018 10:48 am

    So I can hear you singing. You shared Sara with us. She is still with you. Grief is a bitch, but Kadish is about the living memory. As sad as it seems, keep the memory alive. Forgive all the small stuff, and keep the memory alive. Forgive, but never forget. Never forget to sing, because Sara lives every time you unleash the beast that is your voice.
    You sing, you rock.
    Rock on, Mike.
    Friend Lee

  5. michael April 25th, 2018 12:05 pm

    Lee: Thank you for your kind words… Just, you’re confusing Sara with someone else… Sara isn’t dead, she’s just somewhere else.