My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Feb 1

My backpack

Category: Life,Opinions

So, I went to see Up in the Air three times in the theater, and I’ll probably go for a fourth. Aside from firing people for a living, the film’s main character also does motivational speaking gigs. He talks about how we all carry a backpack, we fill it with keepsakes, gadgets, furniture, cars, houses, friends, acquaintances, family, lovers, secrets, compromises, responsibility. We jam so much into that backpack that we can’t move, we’re completely weighed down. The idea is that all that weight, even relationships, it all equates to a lack of freedom and ultimately, death.

Much of me agrees with that philosophy. I have so much “stuff,” but it’s just stuff, it doesn’t make me feel happy, or loved. Aside from my computer, I often think about throwing everything on a fire just to watch it burn. Stuff is often just a fix, something to stop up a hole where the rain gets in. Back in 2005, I accumulated a collection of anime DVDs that screamed, “OH MY GOD, I’M LONELY, AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO LIFE!” Letting go of stuff can be freeing, gives a clean slate to focus on what really matters. People.

In my backpack, people, and all the accompanying emotional baggage, this isn’t inherently bad. I don’t want to be some lonely fucker, wandering around with an empty backpack. I don’t think relationships are inherently a lack of freedom. I mean, to me, being in love with someone who loves me the same way, that’s freedom. It’s the best feeling in the world, better than vodka and morphine combined. To me, all that matters is feeling genuinely connected to even just one person. I’m not afraid of commitments, or responsibility, that sort of weight doesn’t scare me. Loneliness scares me. I don’t want my backpack to be bereft of relationships, even if relationships can be difficult and painful. The hard part is really deciding how many people to carry around in that backpack. Some relationships aren’t worth the effort, some relationships are eventually detrimental. It’s difficult knowing who to keep, and who to toss. It’s difficult wanting someone to keep you, and knowing they might not.


3 Comments so far

  1. concrete_bubble (kelly) February 1st, 2010 11:52 pm

    Good post! 🙂 Made me think about what I’m dragging around in my backpack.

  2. Steph February 4th, 2010 12:40 pm

    So seriously, this is exactly why I don’t get a tattoo. I don’t want to commit to any objects that I just HAVE to hold on to. But in the same way, I’m reluctant to commit to any image or words that I might dislike or reject in future.

    How do you feel about all of your tattoos? Especially the earliest ones? Do they now seem trite, a remembrance of how you once were?

  3. tara February 6th, 2010 9:46 am

    i dreamed about you last night. some version of you. we were on a bus together. and i got off the bus, and you somehow followed me off the bus. and i kept telling you to call someone to tell them you were with me, so no one would worry, and you kept dismissing me. you got up and walked around, and kept talking about how the bus was going to blow up. and sure enough on the news, someone wrecked the bus, hardcore. and it exploded. and you were talking. and i was like, How can you talk all of a sudden?! and you said it just came to you. Obviously it didn;t occur to me that you walking was weird. LOL.

    yes. strangers dream about you