My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

Many, many years ago, way back when I was just about to jump into the crazy world of high-school, I was into photography. I wasn’t shooting digital, digital wasn’t really a thing yet. I had a Nikon N90 loaded with Kodak film, and two simple switches spliced into a standard remote, which served to focus and shoot. The camera was mounted on my chair next to my eye. I’d direct whoever to move me just so, and I’d shoot. I liked shooting portraits, and though I was only a fifteen-year-old nobody, I got the opportunity to photograph someone I admired right next to Steve Jobs, someone I admire to this day, David Letterman. So many amazing experiences stem from that one opportunity, meeting David Letterman would ultimately help to shape my adult life.

Dave had a reputation for being not particularly easy on photographers, it was generally, he’d sit for two minutess, and if the chosen photographer happened to get anything good, yay! If not, that was that. I was astonishingly nervous, not because I thought he’d be a bastard, but because I just wanted him to know I was smart, he didn’t have to talk s-l-o-w-e-r and LOUDER, as people often feel the need to do when meeting me. Normally, I don’t care, but I was meeting a hero, and I didn’t know how long I’d be there. Also, I hadn’t yet figured out that other smart people don’t automatically treat someone with disabilities akin to a golden retriever. Dave was totally gracious, in absolutely no rush to get me out the door. He sat on stage, in front of his desk, to be level with my camera. Unlike people warned me, after the usual “smile!” pictures, he let me keep shooting. I asked him to light up a cigar, he did. I asked him to look like he wanted to deck me, he did. I asked him to look loopy, he looked at me over the top of his glasses, cigar between his fingers, and said, “You know, you’re gettin’ to be a real pain in the ass, kid.” Then, cigar clenched in his teeth, he looked totally loopy. He let me shoot an entire roll of film. Afterward, he asked if I was ready for high-school, and I was like, “Um, kind of…” My mom explained that our district was trying to send me to a “special education” high-school, and I didn’t want to go, so we’re working on it. Dave said to stay in touch, and if he could do anything to help, just let him know. Then he said to me, “Try and stay out of trouble, will ya?” He was so… normal, absolutely not a “celebrity.” After Dave went up to his office, his assistant said, dinner was on Dave, gave us a bunch of Late Show hats, shirts, everything. We went to dinner and figured, that was the end of one Hell of a story. It was a spectacular experience… What more could one ask?

A week later, I had my photographs. Three of them turned out to be truly good portraits. To me, they’re the only photographs I ever shot that are genuine art. We also got a phone call that week, Dave’s assistant. She said Dave really wanted to help with the school situation, just say what and it’d be done. My mom thought about it and noted that the district was refusing to provide the technology I needed. If I had a computer, I could do my work independently, and that’d make it easier to fight to be placed in “regular education” with my peers. A few days later, a $5000 check was sent to CompUSA under the name of an obscure production company, and I got a fully loaded Power Mac 7200, a giant CRT-display, and enough software to run a small country… under one condition; we don’t go to the media with the story. That’s David Letterman, very kind, very generous, but very private. He’s sort of the Anti-Oprah, he does so much good, changes lives, but he does so with complete discretion. There’s no ego involved, he doesn’t help people for the show of it. After almost twenty years, I don’t think he’ll mind me telling this story, but otherwise, I think he’ll take most of the tales of his good works to his grave.

David Letterman really did help to shape who I am now. That first desktop Mac and the assistive technology to use it opened the path to independence, an eventual relationship with Apple, knowing Steve Jobs, and a thousand other experiences. Without Dave, so many doors never would have even appeared to me, let alone been opened wide. Graduating toward the top of my high-school class was just part of a much larger picture.

Like Dave asked in a nice bit of gallows humor on his final night as host of the Late Show, I’ll save a few stories for the funeral… I definitely have more. For now, I’ll just say to him, thank you, for the laughs, and everything else.

I’m just not feeling it today. What exactly is “it?” Anything/everything.

Tomorrow, though, I actually do have something planned.

So, it’s the day after the trach day, and I feel… better-ish.

I’m tired, still.

I had my trach changed today… Exhausted.

So, I saw Ex Machina today and it was absolutely stunning. Don’t worry, I don’t write spoilers, ever.

This isn’t a full-review, I just have to say, right now, Ex Machina is totally one of the best films about Artificial Intelligence I’ve ever seen. It’s intimate, intense, sensual, provocative, terrifying.

I’ll do a full review, but just go see it.

Substance is actually really hard to come by, for me anyways. I have ideas, but nothing seems worth writing.

I’m not not trying. It’s just, fuck it. I’ll try again tomorrow.

That’s the only guarantee, I’ll keep trying.

Tomorrow, I guarantee a post of substance.

Today was not a good day.

What should I write tomorrow?

Suggestions?

I’ve finally finished Vellum and Ink by Hal Duncan, both books comprise his epic series, The Book of All Hours. I want to take back what I said about Vellum in my pre-review, I totally didn’t see what Duncan was really trying to do, I didn’t see the brilliance. If you think of Vellum and Ink as typical novels, with a plot that goes and then and then and then until a resolution, you’ll miss the point, and you’ll be astonishingly angry from page one on.

The series is very complex, but the basic framework is this: There’s this Book written in the language of creation, the Cant, the language of Gods, Angels, Demons, and any number of Unkin (human beings whose eyes are open a little too wide).

It’s said that the God of Gods asked His Scribe to write a Book that contains the entire story of humanity, The Book of All Hours, not just past to present to future, but rather, countless possible permutations of each. None of it is fiction, everything happens somewhere, somewhen. The Book’s pages are alive, the skin of Angels, the Cant inscribed in Angels’ blood as ink. Yet, otherwise, it looks like any old tome to be carried in some scholar’s satchel. In the Cant, one word equals a thousand written in the languages of humanity. One line, akin to a thousand pages. One page, akin to a thousand books. The Cant is perfection, purity of expression. When the war in Heaven breaks out, the Book, the master edition, is given to humanity by those Angels who take no sides, who don’t want the Book re-written for one side’s gain. The Book is guarded for countless ages, until it vanishes into obscurity. At least, that’s one story of the Book. Remember, time, reality itself, isn’t a straight line.

Vellum is a book of permutations. Duncan tells the story of Inanna, the Goddess of Earth, her descent into the Underworld and ultimate escape by giving her lover, Damuzi, to take her place. He tells the story of Phreedom and her brother, Thomas, two kids, two Unkin, trying to escape being drafted into the War in Heaven. Like Inanna, Phreedom confronts the Queen of Hell, like Damuzi, Thomas doesn’t escape his fate. The stories are different, but not. Duncan writes the Book’s possibles in noir, fantasy, sci-fi, epic poem, dystopian action-adventure erotica, the depth is astonishing.

Ink is a continuation of Vellum, but more focused. Tales of how people tried to change the Book to avoid something awful, only to bring about something worse. Angels trying to finish the war. Those who seek the book, and a way out of reality.

I really don’t want to give anything away, Vellum and Ink are best read fresh. At the end, the connections are there, the overall story exists, but until you get there, it’s best to enjoy each section as its own entity.

I started writing too late.

I need to get my shit together.