My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

It’s kind of a slow day here in Tampa. I intended a more interesting day, but sometimes schedules break no matter what a fellow does. It’s a little disturbing in an existential kind of way. I have way too much time for idle thought, so when plans and schedules break I always have an hour or so of, Fuck it, things happen no matter what I do. Why bother planning ANYTHING? Then, of course, I stop being ridiculous and I do something else. I get frustrated, more so now, because before I do anything from errands to a movie, I commit everything to paper. The plans go on a calendar, then I write out rather detailed notes about the specific things I want to do. I try to think as far ahead as possible. I don’t write in a rough or demanding tone, I try to write how I would talk. I could be more abrupt, or generic, or short, which could definitely save me typing time, but I just don’t feel right doing so. So, I write things like…

So, today we’re going for a nice breakfast at Pach’s Place. Then, we’re off to PetSmart to buy… a fish!

This is going to seem crazy, but while we’re out, everywhere we go, I want you to take pictures, lots of pictures. Pictures of me at places, the places themselves, food we order, nice people, anything interesting. If we photograph a person, ask if it’s okay, tell them I’d like to potentially use it for a blog and give them my card. The camera’s in my J.Crew bag, the cards are in my wallet.

Speaking of my card, I want to give it out like crazy, especially at places I’m a “regular.” Give it to friendly servers, managers, bartenders, valets, anybody who’s generally nice that we meet.  We’ll start today and refine the process.

In the side pocket of my J.Crew bag is a little black notebook and a pen, I want you to write down the letters when we do the alphabet. 

Before we go, clip my Shuffle to my right wrist and do the headphones in the van. All my iPod stuff is in the Crown Royal Bag in the armoire. Ask me about the volume level, I want it soft enough so we can still talk.  Also ask if the headphones are in right. 

Things to bring:

• J.Crew bag

• Suction

• A glass syringe

• Battery (a fresh one)

• A wash-room device (keep it in the J.Crew bag just in case)

• Nirvana beanie cap

• iPod Shuffle+Headphones

Pach’s Place:

• Bowl of grits with maple syrup and an empty bowl

• Cup of hot water

• Cup of black decaf

• Tell me their juices

• Anything you like

Just take some grits and mix them in the empty bowl with some hot water.

PetSmart:

• Betta fish kit

• Betta fish

Let’s put the fish somewhere by my tv.

When we’re all done, just rinse the suction and syringe, put stuff away, and charge the battery.  Make sure that you don’t forget to bring in the hose, they get squishy in the summer heat.  You totally rule!

The general events go on a printed and online calendar, then I write the specific notes and print those. Two things tend to vex me, probably a little more than they should. Obviously, big things like today are troubling, “Oh, I didn’t realize you’d need the van so early. I didn’t read everything you wrote.” That’s… frustrating. It also drives me crazy when I write these missives and people flat out miss things on the list. My assistants are definitely better about the lists (hi assistants!), but others… I could write, “and I definitely want to wear my Nirvana baseball cap,” fifty times and that cap wouldn’t end up on my head. On the other hand, I’m absolutely elated when what I write gets followed, I get such a bang out of it. It quells my existential fear that nothing I do really matters.

I’m fairly behind on things I mean to write, thoughts back up fairly quickly.

Apparently, I blacked out or something because Aimee Mann released a new album at the beginning of June and I totally missed it! Sara and I were hanging out and listening to music during which she asked, “hey, have you heard Aimee’s new stuff?” To which I typed, “omg! is it out???” Her new album, @#%&*! Smilers, is out and it’s fucking awesome. It’s full of pianos and keyboards, incredibly sad songs that often sound very happy. I kind of can’t stop listening to it, for a few reasons. First, it’s just amazing. It also makes me feel a little closer to my Sara. I haven’t written about it, I don’t really feel like writing about it. Sara’s in Boston for work, I’m here in Tampa until I can go North. It’s weird being so far apart, it’s definitely not something I like. I miss her more than Fentanyl, more than my own voice. I’m not exaggerating for affect, I mean it entirely. At some point, every single day, I miss the spectacular emptiness found in Fentanyl and I miss talking. Not all day, mind you. Just a moment or two. I just miss Sara more. We broke up once, which was bad, but it wasn’t because we didn’t love each other, and she still lived five minutes away. We weren’t “together,” but she wasn’t so far away that geography kept us apart. This is very different. Anyway, she visited last week, it was great. We laid in bed, listening to Aimee, just like I’m listening right now.

Wanted was an astonishingly bad movie. I mourn for my $9, I mourn for my 2 hours, I mourn that the movie exists at all. Honestly, I like crazy over-the-top violence. I loved Shoot’Em Up! I just could not buy Wanted. The dialogue was flat, the characters boring, and the film’s world was NOT conceived well enough to make me believe that bullets can curve. I don’t give a fuck how you flick your wrist, a bullet will not travel in a 360 degree angle outside The Matrix.

WALL•E was a beautiful movie. I thought Pixar might have peaked after Finding Nemo, but I was wrong. WALL•E is gorgeous and melancholy, but hopeful at heart. That pretty much sums me up, melancholy and hopeful.

She’s so beautiful, I can’t type, or think. I’d forget to breathe if I didn’t have a machine to remind me. In that moment, looking at her looking at me, there’s no fear or reverie. Melancholy doesn’t exist. She’s brandy, she’s morphine, she’s everything. She’s divinity on earth, her gaze is utterly too much to bear. In that moment, dying for another person makes perfect sense. Let the zombies take me, my throat for hers. She’s my fix for every fix. I love her more than I have the skill to write.

I’ve become a little addicted to and fairly good at backgammon and chess, particularly the versions found in Freeverse Software’s Big Bang Board Games. So, any Mac users interested in throwing down for a game or two should download the games and send me a message. 

Oh, by the way, you can now Digg my entries.

I’ve just decided that the Daily Show is definitely the funniest thing on tv and I’ll fist-fight anybody who says otherwise.

So, first, while reading Choke I learned that I’ve been spelling “trache” incorrectly as “trach” for the last year-and-a-half, which is definitely embarrassing. Speaking of traches, I was supposed to get a new one this morning at 7 AM, but due to a scheduling snafu I have to wait until Friday morning. I hate the waiting, it’s the sort of thing a fellow just wants done and over being that it definitely has to be done…

Lately I feel a claustrophobic, I need high ceilings…

My dearest friend and personal assassin, Celeste, is currently between full-time jobs and as such, her freelance web designer business has to pay the bills awhile. Check her out at CheApo Web Design! At least check out her logo, it’s brilliant…

I just want to say that everyone involved with the film, Rise: Blood Hunter, owes me $9.99 right now. Obviously, I take some responsibility for the loss of my $9.99, I was bored and a little muddle-headed, but the fact remains that Rise: Blood Hunter is the absolute most boring vampire movie ever made. At least BloodRayne was so astonishingly bad that it was hilarious. I’d take hysterically awful over mind-numbingly dull any day.

I just DVRed Mrs. Winterbourne and I’m not ashamed.

It is absolutely impossible to smother me in my sleep with a pillow.