My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jul 18


Category: Life

I’m scared I’m stuck, stuck feeling like this until I quit breathing. All this dark, I can’t see through it, out of it, it’s so big. There’s always been this kind of spark in me, and it always flickers into a flame, something white-hot, whenever I fall really hard. It’s like Neo in The Matrix, he’s trapped at gun-point in this narrow hallway of a run-down hotel building, takes a bunch of bullets in his chest, stumbles backward, hits a wall, hard. He gets weak, slumps to the floor, leaves a trail of blood where he slid. I remember that scene so vividly, I see the hallway, the recoil of the gun pumping round after round into Neo’s chest. What I really remember is the sound, the thump when his back hits the wall. I see the trail of blood, like paint on canvas. Neo’s lying there, on that dirty hallway floor, dead. Dead, until he isn’t. He gets up, he snaps out of being dead, like it’s something ridiculous. His eyes look so clear, so full of purpose, and he quietly says, really just to himself, “No.” Neo decides he doesn’t have to follow the rules of that world, the Matrix. He wasn’t going to die right there in some hotel building, so far from the one person who’s his home. He fights his way back to her, Trinity, his home.

I think I remember that scene so well because I’ve experienced it. Not that I’ve ever been shot a bunch of times, only to go fuckin’ Kung Fu on the fellow who shot me, but I’ve felt complete darkness, I’ve genuinely almost died so many times. One time, I did die. I laid dead in some e.r. trauma-room for around three minutes. Still, as sad, or physically weak, or terrified as I’ve ever been, I’ve always come to that feeling of perfect clarity and I tell myself, “No.”

I’m scared right now because that clarity is nowhere.

I can’t go home.

I feel so lost.


5 Comments so far

  1. Christie July 18th, 2011 5:07 am

    You’ll get the “no” back. You always do. Very recently you told someone off on this very blog for daring to sympathize with the possibility that you were tired of “no.”

    I believe in you, Michael. You know that outside people want to make your situation so much different, but you’ve always rejected that. So if you’re going to reject that, then it comes down to this: You’re going through the same shit that the rest of us do, and you’re going to find “no” again, like most of us do.

    I really wish you’d stick with writing consistently. It’s what keeps me from wanting to slit my wrists from day to day. You seem to feel better when you’re making shit up and writing it down. So maybe this time you say “no” to defeat, and “yes” to art.

    Or not. It’s your life. I’m just a fan.



  2. Vandamir July 18th, 2011 5:56 am

    As you already know, it’s the nature of the beast called depression to make you lose that clarity you seek. Be patient and keep fighting, you’ve found it before and you’ll find it again, it may just take you longer this time. In the interim, remember that you’re not as alone as you feel and people care about you.

    Sorry I don’t comment on here or tweet you very often, I’m trying to tame my own beasts, but I do read this regularly. Seeing you struggle with depression makes me want to hug you and heal the emotional pain. I wish I could do more than offer you platitudes but sometimes it helps to hear them. Often I forget the obvious because I’m so wrapped up in my own pain.

    Take care of yourself & do what you need to do to find what’s missing. *hugs*

  3. Veronica July 18th, 2011 6:55 am

    Michael, deep inside you you still hear and feel that “no.” I might not know you well, but I know and see that so easily. Everything about you is surrounded by a big “no”, even at your darkest. You are the reason why I didn’t fall into the worst darkness of my life for a longer period of time because you inspired me to pull myself together. You refuse to accept things and fight for it. You fight to stay alive, you fight against judgmental attitudes, you fight against wrong because you know what’s right. You are so much better than you give yourself credit for and it saddens me that you put yourself down so much. No matter what, you’ll always have a place in my heart that I’m thankful for you. You’ve changed me. I hope you one day can realize what you are and don’t be so negative about yourself. You are unique. And I care about you.

    And your blog looks awesome now!

    [PS: Don’t let my compliments/affection/compassion scare you. It’s just how I am :p]

  4. Judy July 22nd, 2011 1:28 pm

    Hey Mike, I saw you last night on An American Life and had to watch it twice because your story is so amazing. I’m so glad you’re able to express your thoughts and emotions with the new technology they have going. Are you on Facebook? I’m 59 yrs old and live alone with my hubby in the mountains of north Ga. I get so bored and lonesome because I miss being around people I know, and I have a lot of health issues that keep me in bed a lot. You make me see just how petty I’m being, but that’s how I feel. My son is into WOW too and stays on the computer all the time. I’m glad you have that and the other things you do. I hope you’re not in a lot of pain, I am a lot and it sucks big time. Wish you could switch bodies for a while with some healthy persons. You’d get to experience what they feel and they’d learn to really appreciate what they have. Let me know if you have fb and if you’ll be my friend I’d love it. Take care.

  5. michael July 26th, 2011 5:56 pm

    Judy: I am on Facebook…