My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Sep 8

I feel like

Category: Life

So, I feel like I can’t just quit writing and go have a nervous breakdown, I don’t think that’s acceptable. It might be okay to write the nervous breakdown, but to just quit, to just go someplace and die, intellectually, spiritually, physically, I don’t think that’s something I’m supposed to do. Giving up can’t be the story of me and my fifty-eight (so far) tattoos, there has to be more. I have to make more, because ultimately, we do write our own stories. We let other people mark up our pages, write in the margins, but the main narrative is only written by one person. You for yours, me for mine. My narrative has kind of gotten away from me, I know I’m a better writer than that.


11 Comments so far

  1. Veronica September 8th, 2011 7:14 pm

    This post made me smile. I’ve been waiting to hear this from you. You know just as well as I do that no matter how hard things might be or have been or might be in the future, you know you got to pull things together and start from scratch again, to keep fighting. When you are at your lowest, remind yourself on that regardless of how much of a cliché it might be; things will always get better. Focus on the positive aspects of your life and never lose sight of them.

    You’ve helped me so much ever since January, Michael. I’ve never met you, but I dare to take the risk of being too much; I care about you a lot. I know you will find happiness again, if you only give it time.

  2. Kim Kayusa September 8th, 2011 7:56 pm

    I really needed to here this right now. I’m really having a tuff time figuring out things in my life. I’m scared.. but your on the money about how we wright our own stories.
    Thank you…
    p.s. I miss you a lot.. wish you would let me back into your life sometime.

  3. Jen September 8th, 2011 9:30 pm


  4. Monica September 8th, 2011 10:41 pm

    You definitely are. Even the darkest days and thoughts are still part of your narrative if you make it so.

  5. Kiwii September 9th, 2011 5:10 pm

    Hello, I’ve just started reading, but I’ve made endless posts like this in the past. Sometimes it’s hard to document your own life. It requires a certain amount of introspection that can drive you to insanity.. all art has that potential. I have no advice; only encouragement. Keep at it.

  6. Dani September 15th, 2011 6:19 pm

    i agreed <3

  7. Dani September 15th, 2011 6:20 pm

    I mean agree, lol. I talk engrish good.

  8. Jo September 17th, 2011 11:07 pm


    I saw you on a DVD of This American Life.
    You are such a fascinating person. Johnny Depp did justice to your thoughts.
    I am such a chicken about many things in my life. Your wanting, and taking steps toward, independence is very powerful.
    For some reason I have been praying for you. Praying that the darkness of Cobain doesn’t drag you down.
    Have no idea what your thoughts on God are. Have you ever studied the Bible? Many of David’s psalms are mini-essays on his struggles with depression and despair. They were extremely helpful to me when I hit rock-bottom in depression 11 years ago. That was when I said–after a lifetime of church-going and Bible study and half-believing prayer–I said, God, if you are real, I mean REALLY REAL, reveal yourself to me. I started going through the psalms and writing down His characteristics: Eternal. My Rock. My Shelter in the storm. Placed the stars in the sky. The Author of life. The Alpha and the Omega.
    Anyway, on the second day, suddenly I KNEW, I felt his presence.
    Not trying to convert you or anything.
    Just want you to know, GOD’S POWER is greater than the darkness.


  9. Lori September 17th, 2011 11:15 pm

    Mike, I wonder if everyone feels that way sometimes, and does that make it better, worse, or irrelavant(man, I just had to look up how to spell irrelavant. I was heavy on the e’s and devoid of a’s!) I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down, and happy that you have decided to continue to write! I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, but after my computer crashed a while back I lost everything internet-related, and even though it’s only limping along now, I suddenly thought I HAVE TO SEE WHAT MIKE IS UP TO! I have missed your movie reviews, even though we don’t really have similar tastes. If you want to try something I bet you haven’t seen, try DOWNTON ABBY. It’s on Netflix instant, if you have that. Are you concentrating on your blog writing, or are you working on a project? I hope to hear from you soon, either here, or on twitter! I just found you there, too!

  10. Lori September 17th, 2011 11:17 pm

    I also appear devoid of grammar skills, now that I re-read what I just posted. I’m embarrassed!

  11. Somebody unimportant October 6th, 2011 5:38 pm

    I sense your old friend clarity coming to call. I remember the Mike Philips that always had a unique way of keeping things real while not letting the gravity of it all suffocate him. Could that Michael that paints a brilliant picture with words be on his way back? I hope so.