May 16
Feeling uneasy
So, Monday, I went to the hospital for a typical, boring, old-hat trach change (getting a fresh plastic tube in my throat). One trach change became four, and by the end, after eight hours in the hospital, I was fucking exhausted and uneasy. Just getting so tired makes me nervous, I don’t bounce right back anymore, it can easily take the whole week to feel even just kind of normal, if everything goes sideways enough.
I feel weak, and small, it scares me a little more every time. I still get back up, I fight it, I’ll never just willingly stay down. After seven years I know that much about me. I’m not trying to come across like I’m complaining, I’m just saying what’s what. I get tired, I get scared, and that’s that.
Doing this alone is getting harder. Not having someone to hold me close, and kiss me slow, to love me and be there when I look like Hell, and tell me I’m still me. The lack of her is the hardest part. She made the bad stuff not really so bad. That’s how I feel about her, have always felt about her. My nebulous her.
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I know that feeling, man. And I wish I could tell you that it gets better, that the pain goes away. But I can’t, because I’m not in the same position you are in. But I can tell you that you, and your blog, has saved me more times than I can count. Reading this has brought me so far from the edge that I
Cant even see the cliff anymore. Knowing that you can survive everyday the way you have has made me realize that my problems are trivial compared to yours . And I just wanted to take the time to thank you for saving my life, and making me feel like a sane, normal person
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
What a day this was. I am sorry this was so dramatic, in an area of your life that needs no additional drama. Hope that was the last of the “four-trach” changes!
M