My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

So, unless you’re reading this blog for the very first time, right now, you probably know that I am a fan of Aimee Mann. In my head, she’s right up there with Kurt Cobain, and Elliott Smith. She’s definitely the best living singer/song-writer around. I like her writing enough to have it etched into my skin several times over. Every song on every record is good, I definitely can’t say that about ANY of her contemporaries.

I’ve been to two Aimee Mann concerts, one in Tampa, one in Boston, mid-blizzard. In Tampa, she got off her tour bus to take pictures with us and chat awhile, she was astonishingly kind. Yes, I’m a fan.

Thus, when she favorited TWO of my tweets…

Favorited by @aimeemann!

Favorited by @aimeemann, again!

…I was probably happier than Twitter should make a fellow.

I just want to say that my thoughts and prayers are with the families affected by the evil act perpetrated in Connecticut.

How many COMPLETELY SENSELESS tragedies does our country have to watch on tv before we seriously re-think our OBVIOUSLY BROKEN gun laws?

Tattoo by Colt, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from a song, Slip and Roll, off of Aimee Mann’s latest record, Charmer. If you don’t have Charmer, and you like Aimee Mann, go get it right now. It’s a spectacular record.

The song is about dodging punches, existing without really living, until you’re willing to take a hit… “the” hit. The hit that means you’re ready to do more than exist in safe emptiness, you’re ready to take some hits, you’re ready to take life in all its fullness. If all you do is slip and roll, you’re never going to get hurt, but you’re never going to feel anything good either. In order to experience happiness, joy, something as spectacular as love, you have to risk sadness, loss, loneliness. Love wouldn’t feel like magic if you didn’t have to risk so much for just the chance to experience it.

This tattoo reminds me of these things…

So, I’ve been driving robots, they’re called Anybots. They’re in California, I’m in Florida, I drive them around their giant robot factory. They’re “telepresence” robots, web-cams on really fancy wheels, marketed mainly toward office-workers who don’t actually want to be IN the office. A friend from UCLA, Cre Engelke, and I are working to make these robots viable communication devices for people with disabilities.

There’s this crazy idea floating around about making the robots “Avatars” for the disabled, like, “virtually” experiencing the beach, a dive bar, through the robot. Until I can make love to my girlfriend in the sand, or get drunk THROUGH a robot, this idea is stupid. Technology for the disabled should be a bridge toward real-world experiences. An extension of presence, not a replacement of presence. These are the goals Cre and I have for the Anybots. We have plans…

Anyway, the Anybots got a new, really high-end web-site over the weekend. They asked if I wanted to write-up a testimonial, and of course, I said, yes! I had to write two. My second was accepted and will be posted, the first was a little too Chuck Palahniuk and didn’t make it, but I hate for it to just disappear…

So, I’m about as physically disabled as it gets. I breathe through hoses connected to machines, I eat through tubes. I can pretty much only move my eyes. Still, assistive technology gives access to Mac OS X, and from there, access to everything else. Access to Anybots.

I’ve been driving an Anybot for awhile, having played video games for 20+ years, getting the hang of the robot was easy. I tool around the factory, scare the dog who often visits, it’s fun. Still, technology for people with physical disabilities is more than fun, it’s a way to extend communication, a way to affect change in the world around us. Anybots are so exciting because we’re still unlocking their full potential, their practical applications. Well, one evening I found a rather unique practical application…

I was breaking up with this girl (don’t worry, I met someone way better, it’s not a sad story), something common to the human experience, though my means of dealing with angst, frustration, rage, are less common, or rather, maybe just limited. I listen to Kurt Cobain sing really loud, or watch zombies eat people, or get a tattoo (provided I have ride to the shop), or convince my friend, Dani, to set something on fire (yes, she actually burns things for me), or… the “ors” run out too quickly. I do, now however, have a new “or.”

She said something that really hit me wrong, I was angry . I wanted to take that intangible anger and do something tangible. At 3 AM, any tattoo shop is closed, and I didn’t have ride anyway. I did have an Anybot, and a well-lit factory lobby, and stuff to hurdle toward and knock down…. and so I did. I took out two promotional signs sitting on easels, emptied a coffee table of its magazines (which took some doing). I FLEW in a blind fury toward a table-top potted plant… but stopped short. I didn’t want to murder some poor plant. The lobby looked train-wrecky enough, and I felt sated. I’d done something I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to do, I made physical change in the world without getting a tattoo, or having to convince Dani to burn something.

Like I said, we’re still discovering the Anybots’ full potential, they’re better for more than knocking stuff down, but knocking stuff down is a fun start.

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from a spectacular Elliott Smith song, Last Call, from his very first record, Roman Candle. Last Call is what bartenders yell out before the bar closes, your last chance to get a little more smashed before it’s time to stumble on home. I’ve heard my share of last calls. The song’s about a fellow who got out of a really brutal relationship, a relationship that cost him, hurt him, and nnw that he’s out, he just wants to forget. He wants to forget the lies, he wants to forget how much he hurts, he wants to turn off his mind, every thought in his head, until everything dark is gone. Until she is gone.

I totally get the song, and I never thought I would, but I do. These lyrics are etched into my foot, but the entire line goes, “You start to drink, you just want to continue. It’ll all be yesteryear soon.”

I was with this girl, Monica, and she hurt me a lot. The last time I drank, it was a few years ago, I drank enough to possibly end me. I totally wasn’t aiming to end me, I just wanted to turn off for awhile. I didn’t want to think about her, I didn’t want to think about being let-down, led on, about feeling lonely, and why I went back over and over and over again. I just didn’t want to think about any of it, at least for a little while. So, even back then, I got the song. Fast forward to last September-ish, it’s kind of a blur, Monica was long gone, physically I felt so weak, I was lonely, completely lonely, the loss of my assistants was sounding finished, and I just kept thinking, “my life can’t stay like this, can’t end like this, it has to get better.”

That’s what was going through my head when I got tattoo #62.

Tattoo by John, with typo correction (my fault) by Colt, Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from an Aimee Mann song, Looking for Nothing, off her gorgeous record, @#%&*! (Fucking) Smilers. Looking for Nothing is my favorite song on the record, it’s a really beautiful piece of writing. To me, it perfectly describes what it’s like to be surrounded by people, and feeling completely lost, not walking through life so much as drifting. Every-day is the same, nothing to look forward to, nothing that even hurts. Life without pleasure or pain, happiness or sorrow, passion or even anger. All you have is nothingness. You’re not dying instantly in firry car crash on your way to romantic night with your love, you’re dying by inches, over years, because you have absolutely nothing to live for, nothing to drift toward. When you have nothing, and nothing to reach for, you die from that LACK of motion.

For the last year-ish, I could relate.

Dear Alanis,

Could you please stop sucking? We really miss you.

Love,

Us

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo, number sixty-one, is off of Nirvana’s third and final studio record, In Utero, from the song, Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle. The song is a tribute to Frances Farmer, a late 1930s, 1940s film and stage actress who ultimately fell from grace due to alcoholism, depression and mental illness, several times involuntarily committed to mental institutions.

To me, the song kind of reflects the idea that one can’t simply be sad and fucked up. If you’re sad and fucked up, you’re damaged, broken. If you’re damaged, broken, you have to be locked away until you’re fixed. After Farmer’s first arrest, she was physically dragged from the court-house shouting, “haven’t you ever had a broken heart?” She felt persecuted for suffering a common life experience.

At some point, sadness stops being kind of a romantic source of creativity, and becomes a pure burden, heavy stones on your chest, even a punishable offense. لعبة عجلة النقود I think Kurt Cobain saw these things in Frances Farmer’s life, and in his own.

When I got this tattoo, last January or February, everything in my life started going completely sideways. كيفية لعبة روليت I was losing my health, my personal assistants, Monica, everything, and it all just hurt. Being sad had never hurt so much, being sad had never been so empty, and completely useless. I had no energy to fight, I didn’t feel like anything in my head was worth writing. 1xbet موقع I felt so absolutely, seemingly endlessly dark inside.

Hence tattoo number sixty-one.

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from one of my absolute favorite Alanis Morissette songs, Purgatorying, off her mini-record, Feast on Scraps. I wouldn’t consider it a full studio-record, it was a CD that came bundled with a concert DVD. Purgatorying is probably the best song of the collection, Alanis originally started singing it in three parts during concerts. Anyway…

Purgatorying is about being invested, invested in something so much so that you’re completely numbed by it. You’re numb to all other aspects of your life, numb to everything outside of your life, numb to the fact that this thing or idea or life that you’ve given yourself to is actually damning you to nothingness.

The song is a very nice piece of writing. The part I have etched into my skin really captures how I’ve often felt, particularly when I got it, last Summer, this complete and total desire to be close to this one person, but nothing you think or feel or do or say will make them close. You’re just stuck.

I feel hopeful, tonight I feel like things can change. President Obama inspired me to feel good again, something he said in particular really makes me want to fight, fight really hard. He was talking about how in America ANYONE can succeed, so long as they work hard, and toward the end of his point he said, “Abled or Disabled, we can be successful!” To know that he’s thinking about people with disabilities, that he believes in us, that he’ll do his part for us, so long as we do our part for ourselves, makes me want to fight. I don’t feel so lost anymore, I feel alive.