Jun 27
Screw up
Jun 25
Bad yesterday
So, yesterday was bad. I had to have two trach changes, which is never good, yesterday was just particularly bad. I’m trying to decide if I feel like writing all of it, it, I’m tired. I could do a full writing tomorrow, but then I probably wouldn’t. I’m just tired, I feel worn, small. I feel small. It was scary, I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
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Jun 24
Won’t say
I’m scared because I, this could be some really pretty, sweeping narrative. I have the skill, I know my craft well enough to paint this picture of scared and lonely, but fuck it. I don’t feel pretty inside, I don’t have any pretty words to bleed, even if I cut both wrists wide open. She won’t say, “I love you! Come back to me,” so I’m scared. The drugs will hit me, and I’ll get sleepy, and nothing will feel beautiful, and maybe I won’t find my way back.
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Jun 24
Today’s trach
Jun 23
Was, Not
I was going to New York, now I’m not going to New York. So, yeah. I wouldn’t really be there anyways.
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Jun 22
Post #667
So, this is post #667, nothing evil about that. I’ve been writing here since… mid-2007, so the stretches that I haven’t written show in the numbers. Still, 667 posts isn’t an awful number. I’ve tried to not post garbage, which is why sometimes I write nothing at all. I don’t know where this post is going, I don’t know where this blog is going, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know. Who knows?
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Jun 22
Post #666
So, this is post #666, aka Satan’s Post. I feel like rather than make it some regular post that’ll just get turned and twisted into some nightmare, I’ll just acknowledge that this is, in fact, Satan’s Post, post it, and move on.
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Jun 22
I can’t sleep
Jun 22
A happier picture
Less not happy
So, here’s me underneath my new, new 27″ iMac. It’s really fast etc. and what-not. Talking about computers is boring. My head’s at a funny angle, so the picture isn’t spectacular, but I think I look less not happy.
At least maybe I look it. I don’t know.
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