My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Not sleeping

July 05th, 2011 | Category: Life

I can’t sleep, nothing, absolutely nothing feels good.

I have nightmares, so many nightmares, they don’t stop anymore. I wake up exhausted, like I didn’t sleep at all. I wake up feeling like I can’t breathe. Sometimes I know why, sometimes I don’t. Being awake’s a nightmare too, I don’t know which is worse. I deserve it, it’s not like I don’t.

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In here somewhere

December 03rd, 2010 | Category: Life

Well, December’s not going to be perfect, post-wise. لعبة الحظ الحقيقية I fucked it up yesterday. This is okay, I accept it. I need to get back to quality, I’m so far from quality I barely remember it. Still, past all the anxiety, and stress, and nightmares, is me. I’m in here somewhere…


Long week

November 12th, 2010 | Category: Life

It’s been a really long week, I’m tired. I haven’t really been sleeping, I just get exhausted and shut down, then some horrible dream wakes me… It’s a loop. I have too much in my head, too much weight on me. I can’t even write anything simple, I’m too tired.

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I’m aware

October 21st, 2010 | Category: Life

I’m aware that at some point, probably soon, people are going to forget me if I don’t start writing again. I’m sure this is already starting. I really don’t want this to happen.I love words and writing, arranging words into something whole, and hopefully beautiful. I like that people read my stuff, and when someone tells me that something I wrote affected them. I don’t want to be forgotten, and I don’t want to disappear before I’ve written something of real importance, something that feels important to me anyways.  I’m just stuck, and the desire to write things, anything, isn’t in me. I’m drowning in anxiety, and fear, and a certain emptiness, and ennui. I hate these feelings, though they’re so completely familiar. The thing is, I don’t feel “lost,” I’m not lost. I know where I want to be, what I want to feel, I know everything I want. I always know what I want, I’ve never not known. This, it’s like a bad dream, and I can’t wake up. I so can’t wake up.

Still, I need to write. I need to force myself to write, something, anything, everyday. Maybe everyday. I need to try, at least.