My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for August 21st, 2008

Somewhere else

August 21st, 2008 | Category: Life

For a very long time, he felt as if he didn’t quite fit his life. Somewhere along the way he fell through the dusty and cliche looking-glass, he ended up in a familiar place that just felt wrong. It was difficult for him to see exactly what made the world feel so strange, perhaps he was afraid to look too closely. Afraid to pick at a world that might shatter and become something worse. Still, he knew enough to know that things just weren’t right, not for him. In all of his travels, no matter how grand or exciting, there was a heaviness in his chest, a haze in his head. He felt a longing to be somewhere else almost every waking minute, but he couldn’t particularly say where. He felt alone in every crowd. He slept little, sleep doesn’t easily find one so ill-contented. He was the happiest dour fellow around, he filled the dark with showy false light. For a long time he wandered, lost in melancholy, not really knowing how to begin what he eventually began.

Okay, I’m sick of writing about being lonely and unhappy, lost. It’s SO EASY to be lonely and unhappy, you just have to lie down and wait for it. Breathing is more difficult. This always becomes so clear in the hospital, when I’m always half-afraid I won’t get to leave again. So, here I am in the hospital, looking past my MacBook out on to the shitty skyline of Tampa and I don’t want to be here. Right now, and really for the first time, I know exactly where I want to be. I’ve known in a broad sense for a few years, but honestly, getting there could seem just as frightening as not getting there. I found that place of contentment and lost that loneliness, but I fucked up twice.  I let things scare me off. I regret letting that happen. I let life feel overwhelming without trying hard enough to steer things right. Not anymore. Not if I have anything to do with it. What I want is not always easy, but looking out this window with a needle in my neck, knowing everything I know at this moment, I’m really not afraid of the rest that scared me so. I’m writing this to the most important person in my life. I love you, more than anyone I’ve ever met. I’ll say it here, I’ll say it to you, I’ll say it anywhere. I don’t care. I was definitely afraid to be with you and not be with you, both at different times, but not anymore. I’m not afraid to say I want you, you’re everything I ever wanted to find. I want to write during the day and fall asleep at night with your head on my shoulder. I want us to have our own family. You’re my Rushmore.



August 21st, 2008 | Category: Life

I wish hadn’t been so afraid when I was and I wish I were braver right now. Of course, these are not brilliant or unique wishes, they are wishes made by flawed men. Nevertheless, I add my words to theirs. I’m back in the hospital with lots of time to think.