My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jul 27


Category: Life

So, under stress, I tend to make really stupid mistakes, mind blowingly stupid. Over the past few months, on several occasions, that mistake has been drinking way too much and lying about it. It’s such a stupid thing to do, but I kept doing it. Unfortunately, I did it again Friday night. I promised, I swore that I wouldn’t do that again, but I totally got smashed. I broke my promise again, I hurt someone I love more than my Goddamn fucking BiPap. I really hate that there’s something in me that could do something so awful. I keep thinking about the whys…

I’m nervous and uneasy just about all the time lately, it just doesn’t stop, it’s almost always something. When you find something to make that feeling go away, you really like it. Anything for some peace…

Alcohol has certain sensual qualities. It puts a nice warm feeling in my chest, it puts an amazing taste in my mouth. I really do love my peg tube, but sometimes I really do miss strong tastes while eating. I get certain flavors in my mouth with the peg tube, garlic, various spices, mint, but alcohol is by far the most noticeable…

Okay, this reason seems pretty stupid, but I saw drinking as a way to exert personal independence. Everybody kept telling me that I couldn’t do it, which, stupidly, only made me want to do it more. I wanted that choice. I wanted to prove that I could handle it. However, I definitely can’t seem to handle it, so it’s time to close the bar and call it a day…

So, I made mistakes that I can’t go back and undo. I can only go forward and not make those mistakes again. I’m going to see a doctor about some anti-anxiety meds, I’m going work on things that bother me, but I’m definitely through with the drinking. I wish I’d been smart enough to figure this out sooner, before I lost anything important.


6 Comments so far

  1. Ormolu July 27th, 2008 10:48 pm

    I’m medicated for anxiety, and I can only speak about how much it’s benefitted me. I take Paxil to counter the anxiety/OCD/depression and it’s helped immensely.

    You may try a few before you find the med that suits you best. In the meantime, it’s important for someone to keep an eye on your mood… it’s possible to take a turn for the worse as happened to me.

    I wish you the best of luck! 🙂

  2. michael July 27th, 2008 11:11 pm

    Yeah, I’m sure I’ll find a good one. I just feel so ridiculously stupid.

  3. Ormolu July 28th, 2008 2:55 am

    Aw… you shouldn’t. That’s what life is for, the living and learning and such.

  4. MagnoliaFly July 30th, 2008 10:21 am

    I know how that is. Used to have agoraphobia, panic/anxiety disorder. (Still have panic attacks occasionally.)

    I hope whatever happened can be mended eventually – we all say or do shit we don’t mean out of fear or anger sometimes.

  5. donna August 1st, 2008 2:20 pm

    Just watched your showtime special….drinking is just like the pain med’s its addictive because it makes you feel different in some way or aids in an escape…I know alot about addiction I have lived it for alot of years.Please do not add this to your struggles take it from me……Your blog is by far the best and I share so mamy of your thoughts and feelings….thanks for your inspiration…..forgive the spelling ….peace

  6. Kevin July 4th, 2009 12:38 pm

    meds can be good
    i recently kicked the drinking thing but did it spiritually
    do not fret about the mistakes – the key is the awareness (which most lack) and then what you do after you figured out your mistake. its all part of life and living man.
    happy 4th!