My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Feb 9


Category: Life

I haven’t “spoken” since something like, last August. For the most part, except around certain people, I don’t particularly miss talking. At least, I don’t miss it strongly.

I’ve never walked, so I definitely don’t miss that, I don’t even imagine it. I’ve never had a dream in which I’m walking, my brain just doesn’t fathom it. Other physical losses, using my arms, sitting up, breathing, they all disappeared over years. It’s easy to adjust to gradual losses. Talking, however, is a different kind of loss. One evening, I choked on some pineapple juice, passed out and woke up two weeks later with a tube in my throat. Talking went away abruptly, I lost something so important in a blink. It’s not easy letting go, even after two years, but I’ve handled it well enough. There’s really no other choice.

Still, I haven’t completely let go of speaking. Whenever I’m listening to music, I still move my lips to the songs. Last night, I was listening to a mix of Tracy Shedd and Nirvana, really getting lost in the lyrics. Tracy sang, “and we’re taking the road, taking the road home…” Kurt ranted, “thank you dear God for putting me on this earth, I feel very privileged, in debt for my THIRST!” One song for my loneliness, the other for my frustration. I was singing along, like usual, but at these particular songs, these particular lines, I opened my mouth and honestly expected to hear my voice. For a few moments, I completely forgot about the little tube in my throat.

It’s funny how my mind can’t quit my voice.


3 Comments so far

  1. Brooke February 11th, 2009 2:35 am

    Wow. I cannot even imagine losing my physical voice. However, if I were to lose it, I would be forever grateful for the written word.

  2. steph February 11th, 2009 8:00 pm

    What happens if you just “talk”?

    My uncle got a trache and lost his voice suddenly. This was back in the dark ages before computers.

    After a while we learned that if he just talked most of us could understand him. Lip reading is a cool skill.

    Have you tried this at all?

  3. michael February 12th, 2009 5:00 pm

    steph, few people have that skill.