My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from a spectacular Elliott Smith song, Last Call, from his very first record, Roman Candle. Last Call is what bartenders yell out before the bar closes, your last chance to get a little more smashed before it’s time to stumble on home. I’ve heard my share of last calls. The song’s about a fellow who got out of a really brutal relationship, a relationship that cost him, hurt him, and nnw that he’s out, he just wants to forget. He wants to forget the lies, he wants to forget how much he hurts, he wants to turn off his mind, every thought in his head, until everything dark is gone. Until she is gone.

I totally get the song, and I never thought I would, but I do. These lyrics are etched into my foot, but the entire line goes, “You start to drink, you just want to continue. It’ll all be yesteryear soon.”

I was with this girl, Monica, and she hurt me a lot. The last time I drank, it was a few years ago, I drank enough to possibly end me. I totally wasn’t aiming to end me, I just wanted to turn off for awhile. I didn’t want to think about her, I didn’t want to think about being let-down, led on, about feeling lonely, and why I went back over and over and over again. I just didn’t want to think about any of it, at least for a little while. So, even back then, I got the song. Fast forward to last September-ish, it’s kind of a blur, Monica was long gone, physically I felt so weak, I was lonely, completely lonely, the loss of my assistants was sounding finished, and I just kept thinking, “my life can’t stay like this, can’t end like this, it has to get better.”

That’s what was going through my head when I got tattoo #62.

Tattoo by John, with typo correction (my fault) by Colt, Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from an Aimee Mann song, Looking for Nothing, off her gorgeous record, @#%&*! (Fucking) Smilers. Looking for Nothing is my favorite song on the record, it’s a really beautiful piece of writing. To me, it perfectly describes what it’s like to be surrounded by people, and feeling completely lost, not walking through life so much as drifting. Every-day is the same, nothing to look forward to, nothing that even hurts. Life without pleasure or pain, happiness or sorrow, passion or even anger. All you have is nothingness. You’re not dying instantly in firry car crash on your way to romantic night with your love, you’re dying by inches, over years, because you have absolutely nothing to live for, nothing to drift toward. When you have nothing, and nothing to reach for, you die from that LACK of motion.

For the last year-ish, I could relate.

Dear Alanis,

Could you please stop sucking? We really miss you.

Love,

Us

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo, number sixty-one, is off of Nirvana’s third and final studio record, In Utero, from the song, Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle. The song is a tribute to Frances Farmer, a late 1930s, 1940s film and stage actress who ultimately fell from grace due to alcoholism, depression and mental illness, several times involuntarily committed to mental institutions.

To me, the song kind of reflects the idea that one can’t simply be sad and fucked up. If you’re sad and fucked up, you’re damaged, broken. If you’re damaged, broken, you have to be locked away until you’re fixed. After Farmer’s first arrest, she was physically dragged from the court-house shouting, “haven’t you ever had a broken heart?” She felt persecuted for suffering a common life experience.

At some point, sadness stops being kind of a romantic source of creativity, and becomes a pure burden, heavy stones on your chest, even a punishable offense. لعبة عجلة النقود I think Kurt Cobain saw these things in Frances Farmer’s life, and in his own.

When I got this tattoo, last January or February, everything in my life started going completely sideways. كيفية لعبة روليت I was losing my health, my personal assistants, Monica, everything, and it all just hurt. Being sad had never hurt so much, being sad had never been so empty, and completely useless. I had no energy to fight, I didn’t feel like anything in my head was worth writing. 1xbet موقع I felt so absolutely, seemingly endlessly dark inside.

Hence tattoo number sixty-one.

So, on October fourteenth 2011 I got tattoo number sixty. Sixty tattoos. I meant to stop at this one, but just like I meant to stop at my FIRST tattoo, life gave me reasons to get more.

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

Previous tattoo continued…

At least it’s pretty.

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from one of my absolute favorite Alanis Morissette songs, Purgatorying, off her mini-record, Feast on Scraps. I wouldn’t consider it a full studio-record, it was a CD that came bundled with a concert DVD. Purgatorying is probably the best song of the collection, Alanis originally started singing it in three parts during concerts. Anyway…

Purgatorying is about being invested, invested in something so much so that you’re completely numbed by it. You’re numb to all other aspects of your life, numb to everything outside of your life, numb to the fact that this thing or idea or life that you’ve given yourself to is actually damning you to nothingness.

The song is a very nice piece of writing. The part I have etched into my skin really captures how I’ve often felt, particularly when I got it, last Summer, this complete and total desire to be close to this one person, but nothing you think or feel or do or say will make them close. You’re just stuck.

I feel hopeful, tonight I feel like things can change. President Obama inspired me to feel good again, something he said in particular really makes me want to fight, fight really hard. He was talking about how in America ANYONE can succeed, so long as they work hard, and toward the end of his point he said, “Abled or Disabled, we can be successful!” To know that he’s thinking about people with disabilities, that he believes in us, that he’ll do his part for us, so long as we do our part for ourselves, makes me want to fight. I don’t feel so lost anymore, I feel alive.

I once wrote about how Florida Governor Jeb Bush and a bunch of legislators got together a bunch of years ago to legislate my independence, and the independence of other people with disabilities. I wrote about the importance of politics, how the people we elect really do write laws and policies that change peoples’ lives, for the better. I was writing from the perspective of life being made better, and being thankful, I wasn’t really thinking about how we could elect a bunch of people who would write new laws and new policies that turn everything around, that would make life out and out bad. I wasn’t REALLY thinking about that stuff, but now I think I should have been.

When Rick Scott and Alex Sink were running to be the Governor of Florida, I wasn’t really thinking about how the outcome of some election would change my life to where I can barely leave my house, to where I’m being driven to “medically necessary” appointments in ambulances. I knew that Alex Sink was kind of milk-toast, and that Rick Scott was a multi-millionaire right-wing Tea Party nut-bag whose health care company was fined billions of dollars for Medicare fraud. Scott got out before he could be criminally prosecuted, but the general consensus was (and is) that his resignation wasn’t just dumb luck. Sink ran on social issues and the fact that Rick Scott had absolutely zero political experience. Scott ran on jobs, budgets, numbers. His campaign slogan was “Let’s Get to Work.” Given Scott’s shady past and total lack of experience, I didn’t put much thought into the election, though I definitely didn’t see Alex Sink losing. Even if she did lose, so what? I mean, what could Rick Scott do that could affect me? Little tiny, nobody me?

Well, Alex Sink lost, Rick Scott won, and as it turns out, a Republican Governor matched with a Republican Legislature can affect little me, and lots of other people. He slashed education funding, he almost made it so folks employed by the Government could be drug tested for absolutely no reason, he refuses to implement the Affordable Care Act, he slashed Medicaid funding. He took away the funding that allowed people with disabilities levels of independence, allowed them to be productive members of society, contributors to the economy. So, all that stuff I didn’t think about happened, and now I think about that stuff every single day.

Rick Scott has one of the lowest approval ratings in the nation, people here hate him. He won the election, but only because just a fraction of the population actually voted. Most of the people who hate him now didn’t vote for him, they didn’t vote at all. Unemployment is down in Florida since Scott was elected in 2010, from 10.2% to 8.4%, but National Unemployment is down too. So, our economic improvement could easily be a sign of our overall economic recovery, and not necessarily Scott’s business acumen.  He guaranteed 700,000 jobs in 7 years, a figure we absolutely will not meet. Mostly he just pisses people off, destroys the work of his predecessors. Former Republican Governor Jeb Bush got disabled people out of hospitals and institutions, Rick Scott is putting us back. Why? Because it’s good for business, Rick Scott’s former business.

Mitt Romney’s a businessman too, he’s promising tons of jobs. He’s good with numbers and profits, but we have to consider that many of his business decisions have made him and his partners astonishingly wealthy, while putting other people out of business. He has greatly helped himself by hurting others. That’s business, business is cold. Some people have to lose so others can win. People who go into business know this up-front, they know that to get ahead, some people have to get left behind. That’s business. The thing is, Government isn’t a business, being President isn’t like being CEO of the country. The Government exists to protect its citizens, every single citizen. A president can’t, or at least shouldn’t, make ice cold, by the numbers, decisions. Being President involves making decisions that can’t hurt anybody, no matter how many other people that decision might help.

When I look at President Barack Obama, I see a man who has worked his way up from absolutely nothing. He grew up like most of the citizens he now governs, single-parent family, worked his way through school, buried under student loans, with goals and ambitions focused on helping other people to have lives easier than his. He met a nice girl, courted her, driving around Chicago in his shitty, rusted out car. Has two kids, girls who haven’t had automatic perfect Christmases, whose parents had to work to get presents under that tree. I see a man who has gone gray worrying about the citizens of this country, worrying over every choice he makes because he doesn’t want to make a choice that makes life worse for people after he makes it. He worries about the men and women he sends into war, worries about getting them home safely. He feels responsible for their care when they’re injured, and even more responsible when they’re killed. He’s just a normal, honest guy, who signed up for a shit-job with more responsibility and consequences than it has benefits. He has dedicated his entire life to public services, not personal gain. When I look at President Barack Obama I see a smart man, a kind man.

When I look at Mitt Romney, I kind of see Rick Scott. I see a guy who could hurt people and not think twice about it, so long as it makes “good business sense.” I’m not going to be politically correct here, “I’m sure Mitt Romney’s a good person” and all that bullshit. I don’t see a good person when I look at Mitt Romney. When I look at Mitt Romney I see a guy who has made his fortune by cutting other peoples’ throats. He looks out for his family, his friends, himself. He does good things because you’re “supposed to,” all very public, very grand. He’s not a good person at night, in the dark, when nobody but God is watching. I just don’t see good in him. I see a guy who, if elected, could hurt me. I think about all that stuff I didn’t used to think about, back before we elected a “businessman” to be the Governor of Florida.

Tomorrow, when you vote, think about these things.

So, 3 trach changes, a weird infection, and a bunch of antibiotics later, I’m out of the hospital. I’m so exhausted, and scared because I’m so exhausted. I’m scared of a lot of things…