My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

So, with my face and other issues, I haven’t been reading like usual. I just haven’t had my focus. I’ve decided to really force myself.

Right now, I’m reading The Weird: A Compendium of Strange and Dark Stories, a comprehensive collection of weird fiction gathered by Ann and Jeff VanderMeer. It’s not a tiny book, it’s thick enough to use as a weapon. It has stories by Borges, Bradbury, Lovecraft, all the greats you know, and have yet to know. I’m a third through, so a full-review is forthcoming. However, if you don’t need a ton of convincing, just go ahead and buy it. It’s definitely worth the cash.

I’ve turned into an Elliott Smith lyric, I have a broken sink for a face. Basically, my doctor thinks a nerve in my face is aggravated, it’s constantly firing pain signals. So, I’m on Dilaudid for the immediate pain, and this anti-seizure medicine that will hopefully, eventually, make that nerve stop its mis-firing. The Dilaudid fucks up my stomach, so I’m kind of sticking to liquids, tomato soup, warm chocolate soy milk. Solid food holds very little appeal to me just now. The anti-seizure medicine grogs me out, so my focus is pretty shot. Still, the pain is better and my doctors (all 47 of them) are confidant that covering the pain while calming the nerve, will eventually heal the nerve.

The whole affair is exhausting, I feel like I’m disappearing.

Well, I fixed the spam issue. Apparently, WordPress 3.4 didn’t re-activate my plug-ins after installation, so all my fancy filters and mods weren’t around to protect me.

This is me trying to get back into writing.

So, ever since I upgraded to WordPress 3.4 my fading little blog is spam-city. I have no idea why, but I’m getting AT LEAST 10 spam comments a day. It’s crazy. At first it was exciting, a surge in comments, but then I remembered that I write nothing of value, so a comment surge is obviously unlikely.

Now, I’m just annoyed.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wholeexpanse/7184484703/

So, we recently picked up two dogs, a rescue Clumber, and a little tiny Boykin puppy. Sophie, the tiny one, she’s my little peanut. I picked her, named her, and weirdly, it’s like she knows. 1xbet She loves my room, jumping all over me, nodding off on my chest. She’s a good girl.

This video should have been shot in landscape-mode, iPhone users forget you can turn the phone sideways. Still, it’s 720p HD!

So, my face still hurts. We have yet to figure WHY it hurts, so we can’t fix it. I’m seeing hea pain doctor today, hopefully he can suggest a medicine that actually works, so I can at least function until we find a permanent solution, if a permanent solution even exists. I don’t know. Who knows?

So, I’ve somehow managed to injure my face. I have this astonishing pain on the right side of my face, above my upper-lip. My doctors think something’s gone screwy with my trigeminal nerve, but they don’t know how, or why, or if that’s even the actual problem. We kerryknow it’s not dental, or an infection, or a tumor, or fluid. I got this spontaneous bruise, then everything went crazy. The bruise left, the pain stayed, and that spot on my face is hard to the touch, and IT REALLY HURTS. I once broke my femur, this is worse, because it doesn’t stop. My femur was only bad when I moved. This, this hurts all the time. The pain medicine helps, but when it wears off, like it’s doing right now, I can hardly think straight.

I’ll write more later.

So, I’m just trying to make myself write. I haven’t had an assistant since mid-December, and she was… a downer, so honestly, I’m really not okay. I feel trapped, stuck. I can’t just go to the coffee shop, or a movie, or for a tattoo, or whatever else I might want to do on a whim. The things that help make me feel alive. I interview and interview and interview, but nothing yet. It’s frustrating.

So, first off, I’m a… persistent person. Or stubborn. Or persistent. Or persistently stubborn. The point is, once I get something in my head, I don’t just let it go. I lost a BUNCH of movies, it was my fault. I deleted them, stupidly. I was able to convince Apple to let me re-download the 300ish that weren’t in the Cloud, but some, too many, just aren’t available anymore. Apple can’t restore movies they stopped selling. Everything in my last post, no longer available. It was upsetting, at least to me. They were mine, my movies. I collected them, moved them from hard drive to hard drive. I watched a few of them alone, in the ICU way back when, after the pineapple juice that killed me but didn’t. I watched some crazy and happy in love. A few, I hadn’t even watched yet. Harvey, May, they really upset me. I’ve seen them so many times. I have essays in my head, unwritten of yet, about Harvey and May. Predators, okay, nobody liked Predators, but for some reason, I’m not in that nobody category. I think it’s a blast. It’s fun, and Adrian Brody quotes Hemingway! How can you go wrong with fun and Hemingway quotes? You can’t! I didn’t want to lose these movies, my library forever incomplete. I want to thank everyone who offered to send me DVDs, it was very nice. Unfortunately, I’m weird, and a snob. DVD rips just aren’t the same, and that wouldn’t fix the HD issue. Besides, even with DVD rips, or even if people had sent me actual iTunes files and I SOMEHOW broke the DRM (which was REALLY unlikely), those movies wouldn’t have been MY movies, the files I collected and stupidly deleted. Like I said, I’m weird.

At any rate, these missing movies were a real problem for me. I was so mad at myself. I know they’re just digital files, but the sense of loss, and that it was my fault… I was just really upset. I don’t expect anyone to understand. Everyone here thought I was crazy. I just couldn’t let them go. I didn’t let them go. I won’t get all boring and technical, and talk about how you can’t use data recovery software on wirelessly mounted network drives and how I got around that issue, I’ll just say that, I did. After over 90 hours and three different data recovery software packages, my movies are back, safe and sound. Persistence paid off.

In other news, speaking of the ICU, I just spent a week in there. It was was a really bad, possibly the worst hospital experience I’ve ever had. I’m done writing anymore about it, just thinking about it still bothers me. I’m out, that’s that.

I’m not dead, I have to start writing again. I miss it here.

Anyways, first…

I know this is a LONG SHOT, but I need some help if anybody has it. I accidentally (stupidly) deleted a bunch of iTunes movies, movies that I can’t even re-buy because iTunes quit carrying them. My THEORY is that if I could just get the files back I could make them work.

So, does anybody have any of the following….

The Adjustment Bureau
Harvey
Jane Eyre (2011) HD
May
Paul (Unrated) HD
Pulp Fiction
Predators
Shattered Glass
Somewhere (2011) HD
X-Men 2
X-Men: First Class HD
Water For Elephants

If so, please write, michael@lithiumcreations.com

Thank you!