My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Sep 21

Hospital 2.0

Category: Life

So, I went for a tattoo, stopped for a latte first, drove to the hospital. My trache loves me like Jesus and Bono, who I actuality think are the same person.


14 Comments so far

  1. Teresa September 21st, 2008 10:58 am

    We all go through gut wrenching pain, grief, and suffering. I often refocus and think about the possibility of alleviating some of the suffering of another person. It really helps when I meditate or pray and focus on compassion for others … it gives me a constructive way to help others. Cultivating compassion for others is powerful in that you are giving of yourself in a totally unselfish, anonymous manner AND it generates hope and love…

  2. Teresa September 21st, 2008 11:12 pm

    don’t forget to have compassion for others

  3. michael September 22nd, 2008 1:19 am

    Trust me, I’m quite compassionate. I give and try do right by people, people who end up hurting me.

  4. Rachel September 22nd, 2008 1:48 am

    You and I both know religion and compassion are not what gets you through. It’s your own inner strength you’ve built yourself. And I think, all things considered, you do a pretty spectacular job. And maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s okay to sometimes just feel tired when you’re up against insurmountable odds. But like I said Mike, you’re pretty extraordinary, whether you think so or not. I certainly see that you are, and I know I’m not the only one.

  5. moongirl September 22nd, 2008 10:07 am

    Hi Michael,

    I have never left a comment on any of the many blogs I read, but I just wanted to let you know that I am constantly moved by what you write and I think about you often.

    I wish there was a more private way to let you know about this, but this will have to suffice. I live in Massachusetts (work in Boston) and some friends and I went down to the Cape for the weekend. We stayed at the greatest little cottage that was only a couple of minutes away from the beach. This weekends weather was amazing, crisp bluer than blue skies, bright beautiful sunshine, waves gently crashing on the beach, just perfect. So, the reason I’m leading into this is, whilst lying on the beach, very happy, very content and seriously thanking my lucky stars that I felt the way I did and being able to experience the overwhelming beauty of the ocean, the temporary freedom from my everyday life and spending it with good friends…I was thinking of you and wishing with all of my heart that you would be able to experience even a little bit of it. I wished I could have given some of my time there to you to experience without all of the many things that prove difficult and often like jumping hurdles that are thousands of feet high. You inspire me to be a stronger and better person, just wanted to let you know.

  6. Teresa September 22nd, 2008 3:48 pm

    Feeling tired, angry, pissed, irate, weary, jaded are all okay if that’s how you feel! No matter what you feel … they are you’re feelings and nobody is going to control that. What you can control is how you treat others! Compassion feeds your soul from within and builds that inner strength and fortitude we all need to help us fight the good and/or shitty fight every day!! Beating ourselves up (figuratively or actually) and being ugly to others does not feed ones soul … it actually depletes the soul, body, mind, and psyche.

  7. michael September 22nd, 2008 4:24 pm

    Teresa, are you saying that I’m not compassionate and ugly toward others?

  8. Teresa September 22nd, 2008 5:12 pm

    I don’t know. You don’t seem to feel peace. I have known other people who face similar physical, emotional, and medical challenges as you…they are insightful and strong willed and intelligent like you, but they can also be bitter and mean and take it out on others. Once they became more accepting and compassionate they feed their souls and not be be cliche’ – they felt a light from within – they had stretches of inner peace.

    Others on this blog look up to you and admire you. Bottom line I respect you as I respect anyone else I know and I live by the golden rule -“Do Unto Others…”

  9. michael September 22nd, 2008 5:43 pm

    I totally accept my physical disabilities, I’ve pretty much had them my entire life. I’m not mean to people, I’m not some “bitter gimp.” I’m told that I care about others to a fault. I have a really hard time being mad at people because empathy is as easy as breathing (okay, that’s a little amusing) to me.

    Still, I’m NOT happy with parts of my life, and I’m NOT, nor will I EVER be content to just lie down and leave things to God. I’m not made to just sit around waiting for Godot. He does not show up. To me, your kind of peace is false, it’s like lying down in the snow and falling asleep. It’s quiet and easy, but it’s not real. Gently waiting to die isn’t the same as finding peace.

  10. Teresa September 22nd, 2008 7:23 pm

    I do not leave anything to God. I think we were put here to do what we will and God watches and rarely acts. When I read the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi – it spoke to me in the line that says we are an “instrument of God’s peace.” I do not think that peace just comes to us. Actually, finding peace is hard work if you are not use to having peace of mind. I grew up as a physically and emotionally abused child – so I wasn’t in tune with peace of mind. I believe peace is a choice, a choice of how we can react to any turmoil that is happening around us or inside us. I am certain that peace is something that God has given to all of us but not everyone knows how to access it. Now don’t get me wrong – I think that most people who are close to me probably think I am quite high energy and sarcastic – but I am me. As far when I die, I am scared shitless. There are people who depend on me for their life and death. Right now there is no back up plan – I’m it. But I am going to die – so I work on choosing peace and having no regrets while I am trying to figure out who will take care of my loved ones when I’m gone.

    September 22, 2008
    To conquer oneself is a greater victory than to conquer thousands in a battle.
    – Dalai Lama

  11. monica September 22nd, 2008 11:18 pm


    that’s what is really important here.

  12. Laura September 24th, 2008 10:58 am

    New tattoo, huh? What of?

  13. redandjonny September 24th, 2008 11:51 pm

    I want to see your new ink. Email me a photo.

    PS.. youre a dick.

    PPS I didnt mean that last part.

    PPS. Yes I did

    PPPS. fuck you.

  14. michael September 25th, 2008 1:39 am

    I didn’t get the tattoo, I just made it to Starbucks and the hospital. I actually have 2 tattoo ideas…