My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Sep 10

Leavin’ on a jet-plane

Category: Life

So, tomorrow I’m leavin’ on a jet-plane, I don’t know when I’ll be back again… No, I’ll be back Tuesday. I’m going to L.A. for the technical Emmys. They film the whole affair, then they show clips of the winners during the big Emmys. The people from Showtime and This American Life are being spectacular and sending me to join in on the festivities. I’ve mentioned it, but the show’s up for five awards, four for an episode they did about me.

I feel weird about it. I loved the experience and I want them to win because they really did some amazing work, but personally I don’t feel like I deserve anything. Back 2007 I simply managed to choke on some pineapple juice and almost die. I’ve never done or ever do anything great, and maybe I never will. At least, none of it is great to me. I’ve consistently managed to fuck up everything that is important to me.

So, I was able to clearly write about almost dying and everything that happened from losing my voice to my girlfriend. I’m really great at writing about bad things that I experience. It could be the only thing that I do well. I don’t think I personally deserve anything for it. Still, I want the show to win because it did honestly capture the small portion of my life that I wasn’t screwing everything up.


6 Comments so far

  1. THEO September 10th, 2008 11:35 pm

    You do more with the challenges you’re confronted with than most people without them even think of doing. That should be as inspiring to you as it is to the rest of us.

    Maybe that’s the gift that the TAL story should be to you; to let you step out of yourself and see you the way everyone else does: a unique human experience.

    And that’s not something you have to prove your worthiness for; it just is.

  2. laura September 10th, 2008 11:49 pm

    hey, you know i like reading your blog, i’ve got it on my rss feed…like a lot of the people you don’t know who follow you, i first started reading it after watching that episode of TAL. so, as someone who doesn’t know you, and really has no place telling you how to feel, buck the fuck up. everyone gets dumped. everyone has shitty things happen that make them feel like they are going to die. granted, i’ve never almost died choking on pineapple juice, and i can see my whole expanse, but seriously, you’re here, right? everyone gets dumped or breaks up. everyone. sorry if that was rude and not what you wanted to hear, but you blog, and i read it. and its a lot better to read when you’re not feeling all sad bastard, so please feel better. you might be winning an emmy for christ’s sake.

  3. michael September 11th, 2008 12:04 am

    Wow, thank you Laura! When you put it so eloquently, things I’ve obviously never thought, I feel so much better! If you don’t dig what I write, you don’t have to read it. I’m not here to inspire you or anyone.

  4. Karen September 11th, 2008 7:10 pm

    I don’t necessarily think “success” or “happiness” are the ultimate markers of a person’s achievement and impact on the world, and that’s especially true in your case. I mean, we all want those things, but I’ve known a lot of happy people who never did a useful thing in their life, and a lot of unhappy people who changed the world in huge ways.

    Don’t underestimate yourself – that episode of This American Life literally left me speechless. I’ve told everyone I know to watch it however they can, because I thought the storytelling was powerful and the show does what the best stories do – it makes you rethink everything about your own life/existence/choices, just in a few short minutes of television and a few strong images.

    And part of that is obviously Ira Glass and the TAL team, but your contribution to it was clearly enormous. Your honesty about everything – good and bad – is what makes this blog unique, your refusal to quit on life is what made the episode so powerful, and you DAMN WELL BETTER WIN AN EMMY IF THOSE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM.


    So don’t stop trying, but at a certain point you do have to take a step back. If it takes the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences to tell you you did something awesome, fine. But remember, “it’s an honor just to be nominated” yadda yadda (it really is, but how many people ever truly buy that?)

  5. redandjonny September 13th, 2008 1:39 am

    Miserable bastard….

    you’re right… you DID nothing special. You’re just fucking cool. Not for being being another asshole with a breathing tube… But for what you choose to do… The way you think, the books you read and the music you listen too… The way you choose to dress and the way you think. That’s what makes you cool, that’s what makes you hardcore.

    You know I don’t give a shit about your lot in life… and fuck any asshole that feels sorry for you because of it.
    I don’t think you’re strong… You’re as weak and as pissed off at the world as the rest of us. That makes you normal.
    I like you for who you are and the decisions that you make.

    Love you bro.


  6. jadelennox September 15th, 2008 12:31 pm

    it’s hard to find details that aren’t about Sara Silverman, but it looks like the episode won best directing? How was the whole experience?

    /me looks on, starstruck