My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jun 3

A Spark

Category: Life

I’ve always had a spark in me, something that lights up and shoves out the darkness. For a long time, however, I haven’t felt that spark. It’s like there’s nothing in me, nothing good. I’m sick of feeling this way, and I’m getting sick of writing about it.  I just want it over, this empty feeling, but I can’t find a way to make it over. I’m tired of killing time, and going nowhere.


7 Comments so far

  1. Chris/ M-Brane June 3rd, 2009 3:51 pm

    I wouldn’t pretend to know how you (or anyone else) feels, but I get pretty sick of myself sometimes, too, and want whatever it is that’s causing it to just end. Sometime it helps when I remember that it’s really OK to just say fuck it and just give up for a day or a week. As long as we’re still alive tomorrow, then there’s another chance to fight it or change it.

  2. Gushi June 3rd, 2009 5:03 pm

    My girlfriend suffers chronic depression. It comes on and off, like waves on a beach (or the tide). Meds and therapy may help, but she may never completely heal.

    I don’t suffer this. Every once in a long while I do get those feelings, of darkness, and hopelessness, and gloom…and eventually, like your own spark, I shake it off like a wet dog. Perhaps I simply tire of being depressed? I don’t know.

    I do wonder, every time I’m like that, when I just want to sleep or get drunk or forget about life for a while: “I’m not going to snap out of it this time.”

    And then I do. Thusfar, it’s always come, like it has for you.

    I worry now about what will happen when it doesn’t.

  3. Alex Carnegie June 3rd, 2009 5:34 pm

    I didn’t realise until fairly recently just what a huge impact our mental state makes upon every aspect of our lives, ESPECIALLY creative output. Yes, I know, sounds like a bad self-help book, but it’s true.

    There’s only a few cramped, out of the way headspaces that I can actually write in, and in the rest of them I can barely bring myself to load up Word let alone type anything of value. I really, truly envy the people that can write for hours every day; for me it’s like pulling teeth.

  4. Ana June 5th, 2009 12:24 pm

    Just wanted to send a “Hi” from Sweden. I found your blog while
    searching for nirvana tattoos 🙂 Nice to see someone who has the same love for both nirvana and tattoos as I do 🙂

    //Ana in Sweden 🙂

  5. Susie June 6th, 2009 9:02 pm

    Hey, get back to work writing!!!

  6. Susie June 6th, 2009 9:53 pm

    I hope you don’t mind my advice coming from some random reader! Turns out, I needed the very same advice myself. Sometimes when there is a big task in the offing, it is stressful and we think relaxing for a while is a good idea, but it is the worst thing for us. Clearly, you have some huge revolutionary writing ahead of you, and you might as well get started – even though it is difficult.

  7. jen June 8th, 2009 1:54 pm

    I, too, lost my spark and sometimes you can spot me with my flash light in search of it…..staring at the ceiling and wondering if this is it? is this the best of the best…I miss the lightning that strikes when I least expect it. Job is horrible..the man that I cared had to leave due to work…moved to this horrible tonight..I, too, stare at the ceiling…