My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Feb 7

Tattoo #33

Category: Life,Opinions,Tattoos

So, I’m not a big fan of Christmas much anymore. It’s just gotten to be very lonely, and stressful, and full of unmet expectations. I suppose I’m getting old and bitter, or perhaps I just don’t carry around the right people in my backpack. I don’t know.

Aside from not liking the season in general, I don’t tend to like Christmas music. It’s all either saccharine sweet, or just plain weird. Like, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. How fuckin’ creepy is that? I do, however, love Aimee Mann, so I had to have her Christmas CD, One More Drifter in the Snow. She sings a bunch of the more low-key traditional Christmas songs, but then there’s one song on the CD that really stands out, Calling On Mary. I’d never heard it before, it’s very sad, and beautifully written. It’s about taking happiness for granted, and ending up fucked up and alone at Christmas. It’s so real, and so beautiful. This is because it’s an original song, co-written by Aimee herself. Which explains why it’s so gorgeous, and dark, and perfect. There’s one line in particular, kind of a warning against guaranteed misery, that really caught me.

‘Cause comfort’s not possible when you look past the joy to the end…

Tattoo by Colt, hardcore badass at Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

That really is true, it’s impossible to feel any sort of peace, or contentment, or happiness, when you’re thinking fifteen steps into the future, never living right now. Lying in bed with someone you love, only thinking about the fact that they’ll be gone far too soon, that you probably won’t see them for awhile, all that thinking ruins the beauty of right now. Still, it’s very difficult, at least for me, not to think that way. It’s difficult when absolutely beautiful moments are drowned out by so much loneliness, and uneasiness, and melancholy. It’s hard to focus on the beauty of right now knowing that everything for miles ahead is just fucking bad. It’s hard not to look past the joy to the end, I don’t think I’m very good at it, but I try. I do try.


2 Comments so far

  1. Dani February 8th, 2010 12:13 am

    But Where do these expectations come from? Nothing ever turns out the way I imagine it all to be in my mind..sometimes I feel like my mind sets me up for a “false reality” Or maybe I’m just a selfish person.

  2. Susan Atwell February 12th, 2010 2:22 pm

    I just saw your piece on “This American Life”.Realy enjoyed it
    …and I had to stop by and say “hey”.
    For what its worth….x-mas has meant nothing for me since my twenties ( I’m 46 now..)too much retail and x-mas songs being shoved into my head on October. ..puleeze… Also in the “for what it’s worth” category.. I started listening to Audio at work to escape its torment and I’ve found that listening to Eckhart Tolle “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth” has helped me a lot… his voice is soothing also. I was very impressed with your choice of Johhny Depps voice choice as your own.
    No one is more of a badass and just an amazing actor. Congrats on your tattoo……cheers!