My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Aug 15

On the road… to Cincinnati…

Category: Life

So, right now, I’m at a La Quinta in Lexington, Kentucky, but only for another hour or two. It’s only about one hundred miles to Cincinnati, then I’m off the road. It’ll be good to get off the road, too much time for quiet reflection in a vehicle speeding toward somewhere I’m already nervous about going hasn’t been good for me. I’ve convinced myself into some pretty awful things, like, “You’ll never be anything more than you are right now, and you’re going to die a lonely failure.” I don’t always do so well alone with myself, I’m not particularly good company.

Last week was really weird, the morning I took to the road was exceptionally bad, and I’ve had too much time alone to think about all of it. I suppose I could write about the weird, but the bad I’ll just keep to myself. It’s weird when someone explains that they can no longer be your friend because you’re just too dark, they just can’t stand you anymore. That’s weird, and pretty unsettling. Maybe they’re right, that’s what I keep thinking. Maybe I just need to quit people, because I’m just too damaged. I mean, I could just pretend to be someone else, but that’s the same as being alone, except with a lot of work, constantly writing and being some character who isn’t you. I’m only genuinely close to one person, but maybe I shouldn’t be. I know she deserves way better than me. Maybe I just don’t have a home, anywhere with anyone. I hope not, but I’m almost thirty and that’s what scares me just now, that’s what’s scared me every day since I left Tampa.

I’ll write again from Cincinnati, but I doubt I’ll have figured anything out by then.


3 Comments so far

  1. Martin August 15th, 2010 1:26 pm

    Feeling lonely is a horrible way to feel, it is arguably one of the worst feelings in the world. The fear of loneliness is a very palpable thing because I think we all know that deep down inside we are all alone, no matter who is around us. We occupy our skin and we are alone with our thoughts and fears. We are a singular human being. If looked at in this way, we are all together in our loneliness but some of us are just more honest about how we feel than others. Expression of this is a good way to feel some release though. The worst thing you could do would be to keep it to yourself then it just seems to eat away at your insides until you’re not even sure who you are anymore. It also helps to have at least one person with whom you share a strong connection. It is definitely a good idea to hang onto these people for as long as you can, it is a rare thing to connect with someone. The connection makes you feel as if there is hope and that you do not have to feel alone all of the time. Of course, this is all just my opinion and thoughts with regards to my own life and emotions but your post really got me thinking about human connection and the nature of loneliness. I really hope that things get better for you and that this is just a momentary dark cloud going by and eventually some light will come through, it usually does but sometimes clouds move very slowly. I hope all goes well with the doctor and that you feel better soon. Thank you for posting this, it is very brave and honest of you to put your feelings out there for others to read.

  2. bob blew it August 16th, 2010 9:10 am

    You know the fact that someone can tell you that you’re too dark and can’t be friends with you(jeez)-I mean I think you got stuck with a lousy card in life(like millions of people). I think you are pretty fucking amazing.
    Sometimes people use words without thinking and probably not for one moment this person thought what it might be like to be you. I hate people who refuse to walk with me when things turn dark. Life is not always about the rainbows and candy-sorry it ain’t. It’s the people who walked barefoot in the razerblade’s and broken glass that remain my friends.
    I don’t know your story with this friend but fuck it. Life isn’t easy for you. Period. I don’t candy-coat anything. I had something horrible happen to me-a guy get hit on his motorcycle and died in my arms. Some of the darkest months followed that. It was the few (and I mean few) people who remained with me after that I call friends.
    So I say, if they want to go-then let them. Sometimes you meet the most amazing people in the dark.

  3. Rachel August 19th, 2010 10:12 pm

    I am so fucking tired.

    Every day is a chore. As an “able” bodied chick-It isn’t lack of gratitude-

    It’s life is hard. It just is.

    Wouldn’t it be a great screen play if we could write for one week that you and I could change places? I always want to know how a man thinks-and my friend, if you could crawl inside my head as a typical-um-okay typical female….

    Could make for a great dark comedy