My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

So, two trach changes and a lot of hours later… I’m pretty exhausted.

I feel rode hard and put away wet.

So, I go for a fresh trach in like, seven hours.

If I can’t sleep, and I feel like writing anything profound, I’ll write it.

My trach’s still being a bastard.

I’ll write something substituted tomorrow.

My trach (the little plastic tube in my throat) is really bothering me today, I can’t focus.

So, I’m not answering these reader questions in order received. It’s more like, the order of… most fun.

One of my original readers, Ormolu, posed a fun set of questions. I’m really happy you’re still around, Ormolu, it means a lot to me that you’ve stuck it out.

Anyway, she wrote:

“Hi Michael,
I haven’t been maintaining my blog or I’d leave the address here. Maybe I’ll start a new one. You’ve probably addressed questions on your belief in fate and the afterlife and soulmates, but I’ll ask anyway because I’m a curious cat.
Do you believe in soulmates that transcend this lifetime? I suppose that would also require a belief in an afterlife and reincarnation. Do you feel there are people that we are meant to meet? Have you ever met someone and felt literally like you had been waiting your lifetime to meet this person? And if so, what happens when they leave?
I’ve never been one for small talk. May as well ask the probing questions. I’ve been told I ask probing questions. I’m not sure if was a compliment.
Do take care.”

I don’t know how I feel about where we go after we quit breathing. Sometimes I’m scared I won’t go anywhere, I’ll just go out like a light. I’m really scared of not being me anymore, whether there’s somewhere else or not. For some reason, I’m really afraid of that, forgetting everything, everyone. Though, I guess if I just blink out, or quit being me, I won’t know the difference anyway. The Catholic in me worries about Hell. If Hell does exist, I definitely worry that I’m guaranteed residency. Still, I’ll probably know a few people there, people I’d be absolutely glad to join. These are my jumbled musings on afterlife. I’m really not certain about any part of anything, except that my story here will end, and that it isn’t guaranteed to end the way I want. I’m truly scared that it won’t.

As for relationships that transcend lifetimes, again, I don’t know. I focus on relationships here, now, as they’re completely tangible. I definitely think there are people we’re meant to know, you feel that instant connection. I think friendships are the easiest to come by, we’re meant to have many, some for always, some that drift away, but are important just the same.

I totally think that if you’re open to it, there’s one person out in the world that you’re meant to know, in mind, body, soul, everything. Call it love at first sight, your soulmate, whatever. They’re like, the match to the puzzle piece that is you. That sort of connection is real, and immediate, and it’s the most powerful thing you’ll ever experience. You don’t get endless chances to find this connection, the chances are painfully finite.

I met my puzzle piece, and I lost her, and it fucking hurts. I don’t know what happens next.

So, I’ve asked this before, but it’s been quite awhile… I figure it’s about time to ask again.

If you could have me write ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, what would I write? I’ll write pretty much any topic. I’ll totally answer any question; casual, personal, really personal, whatever. Anything.

Just leave any requests in comments, and I’ll see to what needs written.

So, I have this dream, or nightmare, either way I have it almost every night. Just, last night it was especially vivid, I see it and feel it all these hours later.

I’m with someone I love, she’s so beautiful, so right there. Her brown eyes are deep and smart, I can’t look away. It doesn’t matter though, she’s going to look away from me. She’s leaving. She says she loves me, always, but she’s leaving. She’s kisses me, and I fall into the kiss, into her. She’s soft and warm and I don’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, not then and not ever. When she pulls away, it feels like all the air goes out if my lungs, I can’t breathe. I know she’s leaving and the sense of loss is so great I feel like I’ll never breathe again, and I’m scared. I’m not scared that I can’t breathe, I’m scared because she’s going away and I’ll never hear her voice, never hold her close, ever again.

Then I woke up. I wanted to look over and see her next to me, but the space was dark and empty. Despite the little plastic tube in my throat that connects to the hose that connects to the machine that pushes air into my lungs, I couldn’t catch my breath, and I was scared. I was scared because she wasn’t there, scared because she’s so completely far away. I felt so completely fucking alone. I feel so completely fucking alone.

I don’t hate the dream, nightmare, delusion, fuck all. Whatever. At least I’m with her for a little while.

So, I’m not a fan of Bernie Sanders, but not because I don’t necessarily like his ideas. Some of his plans are totally great; campaign finance reform, wage reform, making college possible for all, great ideas. He’s an excellent speaker, really powerful, his talk of POLITICAL REVOLUTION sounds to be exactly what America needs. Politics is astonishingly fucked up, something has to change, so his narrative of POLITICAL REVOLUTION is really compelling. Sanders is especially compelling to young voters, kids who are about to cast their very first ballot and already feel like their voices don’t matter, or those who voted for President Obama twice and feel disgusted because they were promised change and got less than they hoped. I totally understand the frustration, I see the appeal of Bernie Sanders. Political revolution sounds really fucking cool, and necessary these days. However, Bernie fans, casual and die-hard, are missing something important, something crucial about his candidacy. When Bernie Sanders talks about his POLITICAL REVOLUTION, he isn’t talking about some ephemeral ideal, it isn’t some affectation to make himself come across as daring, exciting. Rather, he means something quite specific by his promise of political revolution. Unfortunately, it’s a promise without wings.

See, when Bernie Sanders talks about political revolution, his POLITICAL REVOLUTION, he’s talking about how he plans to fund every policy, accomplish every goal. Sanders believes that he can create such voter support, such an uprising of the people that the political process will bend to their will. Congress will have to pass legislation for debt-free college tuition, they’ll have to pass legislation for a real living-wage, otherwise any legislators who oppose Sanders’ Presidential ideas will be voted out office by everyone throughout America gathered under the banner of President Bernie Sanders. He doesn’t publish detailed budget plans, nothing much beyond, we’ll make the fat cats pay for everything. Making the fat cats pay will be possible through political revolution, that’s the key to every piece of proposed legislation, every change in policy. He will bring so many people into the political process, people speaking as one voice, that politics will fundamentally and permanently change.

Ideally, the American people are in charge, those we elect are supposed to govern according to our will. This is how politics should work, and maybe one day, when society is truly ready to get deeply involved in the political process, we’ll see the sort of fundamental shift that is required for any kind of political revolution, but we’re not there yet, nor is Bernie Sanders the one to help us get there. For Sanders’ political revolution to take place, voter turnout would have to reach epic numbers, and so far, that hasn’t happened. Sanders would have to beat Hilary Clinton in primary after primary, and so far, he hasn’t. Lets say, Bernie Sanders does make it to the general election, but only just barely, and only through the bluster and moxie that is so loved by his base of young voters. That’s hardly an auspicious start for his POLITICAL REVOLUTION, and being that said revolution is the lynch-pin for his Presidency, his Presidency doesn’t look like the strong hand that America so desperately needs.

Bernie Sanders is all bold talk and bold ideas that are just right for firing up young voters who are a likely ticket into a general election, but that’s the only firm plan he has under his proverbial hat. His POLITICAL REVOLUTION is beyond his ability to make reality, and without it, his promised change and big ideas are nothing but ash. This election is far too important to leave to a guy who’s all cotton candy, fun, but no substance. We need someone with solid plans AND a realistic way to implement them. Bernie Sanders is not that someone.

Tattoo correction by Amanda, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor

So, here we are (officially), tattoo number eighty-four. This tattoo is some brutally beautiful lyrics from an Alanis Morissette song, No Pressure Over Cappuccino, which is off of her MTV Unplugged record. It’s brutal because of its stark honesty; we all learn to lose absolutely everything, whether the loss is afflicted by circumstance, or time, or death. Especially death, which is guaranteed by time. It’s important to be aware everything is inherently temporary, in order to cherish and hang on to that which we cherish most. This is what I take away from the lyrics, at least.

I’ve lost… a lot of things I never expected to lose, or wanted to lose. I just found the words… fitting.

As for the typo correction, I think it came out nicely. I wanted it to look organic, like someone simply scratched out the wrong words with a pen.

I won’t hide it, I’ll own it… I am a giant nerd. I’m watching the Heroes of the Storm North American Spring Regional Tournament.

Honestly, it’s more fun to watch than baseball, at least you didn’t have to be drunk to enjoy it!