My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I do really want a pony.

So, I had a bad dream and woke up at five am, and I wouldn’t risk going back to it. For way too many years I’ve had two regularly recurring “dreams,” the kids call them, “the subconscious taking you downtown to Chinatown.” In one, something about my computer doesn’t work, my vent stops working. It’s dark, I can’t breathe, and I’m totally alone. I wake up scared. I also often just wake up scared, but that’s not really a dream. Anyway, in the second (and worst), there’s someone I love, I tell her so, and that I want be with her, always… and… it doesn’t work out, she leaves. Always. It’s basically just a replay of something that actually happened. I wake up missing her like it happened yesterday. I feel this astonishing sense of loss, and a cold, bottomless loneliness. It takes hours to feel kind of okay. That’s what woke me at five am, I was done with sleep.

Losing her the first time was worse than dying (which I’ve done), but losing her again and again… All I ever wanted was to be with her, I still do. It’s so stupid, like wanting a pony.

So, we’re now running WordPress 3.9.2, which is at least A LITTLE closer to 4.0, but it’s just a dull maintenance release, nothing fancy.

More tomorrow.

Fuck everything.

Kissing her is perfect oblivion, but not cold darkness, it’s an oblivion of white hot light. Sound stops, worries stop, being worn away by clicking wheels stops, and all that is, is right now and always, and all that remains is touch, and heat.

Her face is so warm against his, her skin like silk. He kisses her gently, yet intensely, lips searching, finding, caressing one another, the light only getting brighter.

He wants her to know his heart, that she is his love, his home, his heart’s only desire, he wants her to know these things through touch alone, touch without words.

His limps embrace hers deeply, drinking in the feel of her, disappearing in her, his love, his home, his right now and always.

Kissing har is like being enveloped in white hot light, and he longs for that perfect oblivion.

So, today was dull. I watched a not-too-awful horror movie, Oculus, it’s about AN EVIL FUCKING MIRROR… It’s really a gorgeous mirror, antiquey, but, yes, TOTALLY FUCKING EVIL. Still, I would hang it, anything to class-up my room.

Okay, tomorrow, I guarantee a solid post. Really.

I didn’t write early enough, and I’m exhausted.

So, I’m obviously trying to write every day, trying to get past nonsense to actual writing. I’m trying, I’m not going to give up.

I’m tired, I didn’t sleep so great last night, bad dreams. I have to start writing earlier, so I’m not rushing to type, or think, or type and think. It doesn’t help anything.

Today was slow, really slow.

Right now, I’m watching Hard Candy, in honor of my friend, Celeste’s, birthday. It’s kind of our movie. It’s one of those movies with no middle-ground, you either think it’s fucking awesome, or you’re totally mortified. Celeste and I weren’t mortified. البلاك جاك

Happy birthday, Celeste!

So, WordPress is kind enough to track the search terms used to find my blog. Lots of people find me searching about tattoos, or song lyrics, or tattoos involving song lyrics. Some of the searches are really bizarre, the weirdest (so far) involved having intimate relations with a “trach hole.” Whoever you are that searched that, I think you should schedule appointments with several kinds of doctors. Generally, though, people are searching for me directly, because of the This American Life episode. People search, and find me. Finding me looks pretty straightforward, but… one search caught my eye…

“is mike phillips from this american life alive”

Yes, as of July 30th, 2014, I am pretty much, alive. Thank you for your search, whoever, I will let you know (but not really, if you think about it) of any changes regarding my living.

Watch this space.