My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Aug 7

Early day/Bad dreams

Category: Life

So, I had a bad dream and woke up at five am, and I wouldn’t risk going back to it. For way too many years I’ve had two regularly recurring “dreams,” the kids call them, “the subconscious taking you downtown to Chinatown.” In one, something about my computer doesn’t work, my vent stops working. It’s dark, I can’t breathe, and I’m totally alone. I wake up scared. I also often just wake up scared, but that’s not really a dream. Anyway, in the second (and worst), there’s someone I love, I tell her so, and that I want be with her, always… and… it doesn’t work out, she leaves. Always. It’s basically just a replay of something that actually happened. I wake up missing her like it happened yesterday. I feel this astonishing sense of loss, and a cold, bottomless loneliness. It takes hours to feel kind of okay. That’s what woke me at five am, I was done with sleep.

Losing her the first time was worse than dying (which I’ve done), but losing her again and again… All I ever wanted was to be with her, I still do. It’s so stupid, like wanting a pony.


2 Comments so far

  1. mary August 8th, 2014 6:41 am

    I know exactly what you mean. I had my heart broken five years ago. We worked together at a bookstore. In my dream I had a while back we’re working there again. We’re shelving books and talking the way we always did (always in our own little world with books around us). I can’t hear the conversation, but I can see everything-the way that bookstore was (and I’m sad in my dream because I probably know this is the past vising me). He then tells me it’s time to close and points for me to wait outside while he locks up. I go outside and the lights turn off and I’m in the dark. I start to panic. I look in the store and it’s dark-so dark I can’t see anything. I turn around and the parking lot is bare and dark. I work up in a panic. I was not myself for a couple of day. Dreams are a field to haunt.

  2. michael August 8th, 2014 8:14 am

    mary: Yes, the subconscious is often Sadistic.