My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for August 13th, 2008

The Rain

August 13th, 2008 | Category: Random Thought

It’s raining here, grey and wet outside. Water beats against my windows, and I watch it fall. It’s a soothing, melancholy rain, perfect for writing or quiet contemplation, or both. For me, it’s both. It reminds me of things that make me happy, and so I watch it fall.



August 13th, 2008 | Category: Life,Random Thought

So, here I am, watching Olympic boxing after 3 AM. I’d never normally watch boxing, but since it’s “Olympic boxing” I feel compelled. It’s better than Goddamned Nick at Night. I haven’t slept since fucking May, which doesn’t really make me, oh, what’s the phrase? At ease? Contentedly at peace? Something like that. I’m thinking about my limits lately. Like, how much… trauma? unwanted-change? anguish? can I take before I chuck it all in and start wearing sweat-pants all fucking day? I’m kidding, but I’m serious too. We all have limits, physical, spiritual, emotional, everything has a ceiling. A person hits their physical limit and they die. A person hits their emotional limit and they start crying for absolutely no reason, they quit talking to people. Maybe they want to die. Everybody has the potential to break beyond repair, we all have Rubicons to cross.

Where are my ceilings, my Rubicons? I don’t know, I really don’t. I feel like I’ve seen them, taken a visit to say, “hi!” It’s frightening sometimes, to see my limits. I don’t know sometimes if I’m getting weaker or stronger. It’s difficult to know. I suppose a person doesn’t honestly know their limits until they’re bleeding in the bathtub. Still, if I sit back and look inside, there’s something in me that won’t quit without one Hell of a fight. I just worry sometimes that it’s round twelve and that part of me is behind on the score-card. I don’t aim to lose, I don’t intend to go down, but sometimes, when I’m alone in my head, I wonder if my aims and wants matter. Every fight has a loser, I don’t want it to be me.