My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Aug 13


Category: Life,Random Thought

So, here I am, watching Olympic boxing after 3 AM. I’d never normally watch boxing, but since it’s “Olympic boxing” I feel compelled. It’s better than Goddamned Nick at Night. I haven’t slept since fucking May, which doesn’t really make me, oh, what’s the phrase? At ease? Contentedly at peace? Something like that. I’m thinking about my limits lately. Like, how much… trauma? unwanted-change? anguish? can I take before I chuck it all in and start wearing sweat-pants all fucking day? I’m kidding, but I’m serious too. We all have limits, physical, spiritual, emotional, everything has a ceiling. A person hits their physical limit and they die. A person hits their emotional limit and they start crying for absolutely no reason, they quit talking to people. Maybe they want to die. Everybody has the potential to break beyond repair, we all have Rubicons to cross.

Where are my ceilings, my Rubicons? I don’t know, I really don’t. I feel like I’ve seen them, taken a visit to say, “hi!” It’s frightening sometimes, to see my limits. I don’t know sometimes if I’m getting weaker or stronger. It’s difficult to know. I suppose a person doesn’t honestly know their limits until they’re bleeding in the bathtub. Still, if I sit back and look inside, there’s something in me that won’t quit without one Hell of a fight. I just worry sometimes that it’s round twelve and that part of me is behind on the score-card. I don’t aim to lose, I don’t intend to go down, but sometimes, when I’m alone in my head, I wonder if my aims and wants matter. Every fight has a loser, I don’t want it to be me.


4 Comments so far

  1. Amanda Lethaby August 14th, 2008 5:24 am

    I think the ceilings rise. We are constantly learning and therefore changing and reacting to the things we learn. Something that is a limit now, would have slaughtered us as kids or last year or yesterday. You are getting stronger. As am I. We are lucky. Hi. I am Amanda.

  2. Glacia August 14th, 2008 6:59 am

    I think our limits are a lot farther away than we think they are. We probably don’t even see them right in front of us and hit them without thinking.

    I’ve never thought of ‘limits’ in my life, but I often thought about ‘everything falling apart’ – which is probably the same thing. I’m probably thinking of that scenario where I’ve given everything I can and I just can’t hold everything together anymore.

    Spiritual limits? That’s kind of interesting, again I’ve never considered something like that before. This will be good food for thought over the next few days.

  3. Ormolu August 14th, 2008 5:08 pm

    That’s kinda how I feel about my lifelong, pervasive fear of going insane.

    Oh hey, I know what you mean about those Olympic sports. I don’t even like sports. But the Olympics hold a compelling inherent sacredness. Or something. *shrug*

  4. shayD August 15th, 2008 9:51 am

    while surfing for something worth watching on the internet, I stumbled across this…honestly, I wanted to watch a free episode of weeds, but hey…when it comes to that..nothin’s free. Unfortunately, I’m compassionate in nature which makes it difficult to survive in the “real” world. So, here I sit…bettr than “before”, yet still living in fear of the world outside. No one gives a shit…of course only if you pay them and how much you pay them…they will pretend to give a shit. Consequently, I’ve not had enough money to pay someone to give a shit about me…nor did I have a mother who even wanted to give a shit and still doesn’t. You can be out in this world and still be alone…nothing is free…not even freedom. I can only find freedom in the solitude of my mind beyond this dimision…which requires strength…as I’ve found in this particular article. I don’t even know who gets this shit…or where this goes…or if anyone even really cares….but I can see the word beyond this article…and thank you for sharing. I struggle for strength daily…and although I still have the physical capabilities to obtain physical strength…my fears still consume me.