My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jan 25

At night, disco goddess

Category: Life

So, last night, my friend, Sarah, my brother, and I went to The Castle for a little goth dancing and such. My brother’s totally not a “Castle person,” but he was down for giving us a ride and hanging out. He definitely didn’t don any eye-liner.

I’m a little in love with The Castle, it’s absolutely never boring. I love the loud techno music, music so loud you can feel it. I love everybody’s Subbacultcha garb. I was all dressed in black, Sarah was all dressed up in black. I love everyone dancing, silhouetted in strobe lighting. I actually do dance, but it’s subtle. My muscles don’t move in any meaningful, or particularly visible way, but they’re there and they do move. So, I dance, I move to the music, all secret-like. I have a little image in my head of how I’d dance, all flowy and stylish. People don’t dance at me, they dance with me, they just don’t usually know it.


Top hat dancer

Top hat dancer

It’s always interesting how at least one or two people always react to me. A really drunk fellow poked me in the face and said, “what the fuck is that?” I hear that one a lot, I look fake to really drunk people. However, I also heard something totally new, and spectacular. This woman, who was clearly high on something, probably a lot of something, came up and took my hand. She leaned in close and said, “you’re a goddess.” She said, “you transcend everything.” She said, “you’re beautiful.” So, apparently, to the astonishingly high, I’m a gorgeous woman. The word, “goddess,” is kind of amusing because most of my online profiles note that “at night, I’m a disco goddess,” alluding to Nirvana’s Hairspray Queen.

Still, most people aren’t ridiculously stupid. I’m kind of a regular at various clubs, bars and restaurants, so plenty of people know me around. Lately, I’m trying be more outgoing, introducing myself to intriguing strangers and what-not. To that end, I alphabetted to my brother to tell one of the gothy platform-dancers that I thought she was hot. He, however, totally wussed out on my outlandish social gesture. Fortunately, Sarah was completely hardcore enough to do something so bizarre. The dancer ended up remembering me from New Year’s Eve and was happy for the “hello there, you’re hot!” I mean, in my head I’m a fellow who can go anywhere and talk to anyone, but the physical act of doing so has fucked me up for a long time. Before the trache, I couldn’t breathe or speak particularly well. With the trache, I breathe really well, but I can’t speak at all. I’m trying to ignore the bizarre logistics of how I have to communicate. I’m sick of wanting to talk to people, and not actually doing it. So, I alphabet to strangers, give them my card.


Me and Lynn, a Castle regular, and insanely alluring dancer

Me and Lynn, a Castle regular, and an insanely alluring dancer

That picture probably says everything about what I love in life.


5 Comments so far

  1. Will January 26th, 2009 1:48 am

    Things just keep getting better…..

  2. Nathan Herman January 26th, 2009 4:39 am

    I used to get mistaken for a girl constantly. I, however was never called gorgeous. In fact, I was likely thought to be the hemisphere’s most unfortunate looking lady.

    So I’ve cut my hair, attempt to maintain a laughable 5 o’clock shadow, and am now correctly identified as a moderately unfortunate looking guy. Usually.

  3. Strange Loops January 26th, 2009 11:25 am

    Shit man, you’ve got more guts than me. It always *amazes* me how hard we modern humans can find it to talk to strangers, when it’s such a minor thing and almost never has any real negative consequences and tons of potential positive ones. So I keep trying to force myself. Anyway, it’s cool to read the accounts of someone who’s articulate enough to capture with words his struggle through and overcoming the same thing.

    Forget the absurdity of finding someone inspirational just because they live their life and happen to also have a different body makeup than others…I find it shit like *this* inspirational. We imprison ourselves in our own fear so easily, but breaking out of that is such a simple thing that just requires this almost magical exertion of will. It’s like psyching yourself to go over the hump and start acting, and you realize it’s so easy and simple, when it seems so frightening and impossible before.

    Anyway, rock on man. I just found your blog a couple days ago, and have now read through almost every word you’ve put up (in reverse chronological order, for some reason). Looking forward to more.

    Oh, and you’re movie recommendations have been solid so far, so I’m going through more of them this coming weekend.

  4. Alex Carnegie February 16th, 2009 4:43 pm

    “A really drunk fellow poked me in the face and said, “what the fuck is that?””

    That just made me INCREDIBLY angry.

  5. michael February 17th, 2009 9:22 am

    Strange Loops: I’m totally nothing great, but thank you! Which movies did you watch?

    Alex: Don’t be angry. Those things happen a lot, and I think they’re hilarious.