My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Archive for October, 2008

Falling

October 25th, 2008 | Category: Random Thought

Falling asleep thinking about someone, to have them next to me. I wonder what it would be like to hold her hand, softly touch her face, feel her breath against me. I wonder, and I sleep.

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Off to Saw

October 24th, 2008 | Category: Life

I know I’m part of the problem, and I think I publicly vowed not to go back after Saw IV, but tonight I’ll be at Saw V. I don’t have it in me not to go, not the way I am just now. I’m a little empty, and I guess the empty violence comforts me.

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Define Torture Porn

October 23rd, 2008 | Category: Opinions

Define senseless Torture Porn: The Strangers.

I think the film has ten minutes of boring dialogue, a few mildly “scary” moments and absolutely nothing else. Oh, wait, Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman get totally fucked up for no apparent reason. So, there’s that, which isn’t really my scene, but if you dig it, great.

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Belly up

October 23rd, 2008 | Category: Life

So, last night I’m at game 1 of the Major League Baseball World Series when a 70ish year-old fellow says regarding me, “he looks like he’s about to go belly up.” To which I think, “thank you, you made the blog.

A drunk girl really liked my poppy tattoo, that’s always fun. I get compliments from sober people too, but the drunk people are special.

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Half of me

October 22nd, 2008 | Category: Life,Random Thought

I feel like half of me is somewhere else all the time, and I Goddamn fucking hate it. I’m not supposed to feel like this, but fuck if I can stop it. It’s so stupid, not to mention exhausting. It never stops.

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Not talking to Mike

October 21st, 2008 | Category: Life

Apparently, today, October 21st is “Not talking to Mike” day. I accidentally noticed the day on a Google Calendar. I guess I’m flattered to have an entire calendar day devoted to me being socially outcast, but I see potential inconveniences. I have a doctor’s appointment today, that could be weird. I guess she could read the chart aloud to no one in particular, but direct questions seem out. I’m also having dinner with a friend tonight, that could be awkward. I suppose she could talk to my assistant, so long as neither of them talks to me.

Though, there are people I don’t want to talk to, so today could be relaxing too. Generally, I’m upbeat about “Not talking to Mike” day. I think that in many ways it will bring people together.

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The fresh trache

October 20th, 2008 | Category: Life

The fresh trache is in and it really went quite smoothly, some pain, but the drugs were very kind.

Now, I have other problems to tackle. Boredom. Loneliness. Oh, and Darfur.

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Getting a fresh trache

October 20th, 2008 | Category: Life

So, in a few hours I have another trache change, and I’m nervous about it. I’m always nervous.

I tried talking to Sara, but, silence. I shouldn’t have tried, but I guess I couldn’t not. She’s always been my last thought in the O.R. before the drugs take me happily away. I wish I hadn’t been such a fuck up, but I can’t go back. No one can go back. I’m not strong, or brave, and I hate that I’m not. I should have been better, but I wasn’t.

I want to wake up in that druggy bliss, but if I don’t, that’d be okay. I’m really tired.

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Paths

October 18th, 2008 | Category: Creative Flash

So I take a different path, different than I planned, different than I wanted. Neither path particularly easy, but the one from which I lost my way felt warmer, with pleasant scenery and the occasional comfortable place to rest. I miss that path, took it for granted.

Travel is never easy for we who travel, but it’s all we really know. It’s not in us to stop, we seek something unique to ourselves and cannot be at peace until we find it. Some of us wander forever, never to find that path that leads home, to that thing we need.

The paths, you see, are tricky, clever and ever-changing. They revel under the footfalls of a lost travelers. Without the traveler, a path has no purpose, they know it and they fear it. So they shift and change, distract us with shiny things when they sense we’re weak. They know us, and they hate us. They hate us, because they need us. We know this, but we need them.

I lost my way in an opiate fog, all turned around and glad to be so. I drank from a river of apple brandy, all my thoughts burned in liquor. It happened so quickly, what felt like an instant.

I wander now, nothing familiar, under a cold and indifferent night sky. Tired and weary, lost and lonely. The path is happy to hear my sorrows, a sadistic lover who keeps me and despises me.

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Continuing effort

October 17th, 2008 | Category: Life

In my continuing effort to create a Halloween costume faithful to my subject, today I had my hair dyed dirty-blonde. It’s actually almost my natural color.

I’ve also quit shaving, but I honestly don’t know how well that will go.

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