My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

To my subscribers, I apologize for the astonishingly STUPID typo in my last post. It was a new low, even for me. I think I’m just out of practice, or I really have sustained some sort of brain-damage from watching Sister Wives.

So, Monday, I went to the hospital for a typical, boring, old-hat trach change (getting a fresh plastic tube in my throat). One trach change became four, and by the end, after eight hours in the hospital, I was fucking exhausted and uneasy. Just getting so tired makes me nervous, I don’t bounce right back anymore, it can easily take the whole week to feel even just kind of normal, if everything goes sideways enough.

I feel weak, and small, it scares me a little more every time. I still get back up, I fight it, I’ll never just willingly stay down. After seven years I know that much about me. I’m not trying to come across like I’m complaining, I’m just saying what’s what. I get tired, I get scared, and that’s that.

Doing this alone is getting harder. Not having someone to hold me close, and kiss me slow, to love me and be there when I look like Hell, and tell me I’m still me. The lack of her is the hardest part. She made the bad stuff not really so bad. That’s how I feel about her, have always felt about her. My nebulous her.

So, to get back into the swing of things (as cliche as that sounds), I’m just going to do a write whatever’s ever in my head kind of thing.

I made some cosmetic, minor cosmetic, changes to the blog. I upped the font size a little, mostly for my own aged eyes, and I FINALLY figured out how to fix the search button. Since the blog launched the button read, “Se,” the box around it wasn’t wide enough. Until… NOW. It actually wasn’t really hard to fix, I just never took the time to dig through the CSS (the file that governs such things). I wonder lately (I wonder on and off) if I should totally redo the blog’s look, totally scrap and start fresh. Though, I don’t think I can bring myself to do it. It’s like my room, I see the black and purple and I feel… comfortable. Little else feels comfortable, I don’t know if I should purposefully destroy something that’s still cozy.

Aside from the blog tweaking, I’m watching this indie comedy, In A World… It’s about a woman vying for the job of being the first woman to speak the iconic movie trailer phrase, “In A World…” I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I just hit the end, and it was kind of amazing. The end of a something tends to make or break that something.

Oh Christmas tree…

So, this is my 2013 Christmas tree…

Despise my current downess, I’m really trying to enjoy Christmas. Honestly, no matter what, it really is my favorite time of year. I love the shiny decorations, hunting for presents for people I’m grateful to have around, helping folks who are down on their luck to have fun that many people take for granted, all the Christmas movies, I really am a fan of Christmas. Still, it’s like, all the cheer and bright lights… amplify whatever melancholy I’m feeling. I miss people who are gone, I miss parts of me I’ve lost. It’s… I don’t know.

I’m a time traveler!

I never thought I’d see a poem lovely as a tree… and I was right. Trees are great.

So, I went ahead and renewed this domain for… another two years. I usually do a yearly renewal, because, you know, if I drop dead in eleven months and twenty-eight days, I’ve wasted ten dollars. Who wants to waste ten dollars? Not me! Still, what if my life is like a crazy Twilight Zone episode and I DIE when my domain EXPIRES? I have a similar idea regarding tattoos and skin space, but that’s an entire other post. At any rate, I may have actually guaranteed myself two years of breathing and not simply potentially wasted ten dollars.

In theory, I could be immortal, so long as I have cash and the internets keep existing… or I just jinxed myself and I’m actually going to drop dead in forty-seven hours. Who knows? Personally, I’m hoping for some flavor of the former rather than the latter.

Today was just long, and I’m still really not feeling spectacular, still very melancholy.

Tomorrow, I’ll write much more tomorrow.

This is Aimee Mann singing Ghost World, which is off of her really spectacular record, Bachelor No. 2 (Or, The Last Remains of the Dodo).

I have really nice memories tied around this record, it was Tivoli’s favorite Aimee record. We’d listen to it straight through, on those rainy Summer days, talking about the songs.

Okay, I’m going to draw a direct parallel between Clark Gable and… Woody Allen.

In Love and Death, Woody Allen’s Boris finds out from his giddy comrades that Russia is going to war with France. Boris comments on the absurdity of war, how it’s ultimately just a bunch of dead people. He relents and becomes an unlikely war hero.

In Gone with the Wind, Clark Gable’s Rhett is also upset that his fellow Southerners are so excited to go to war, totally naive to the ugliness of death. He also becomes an unlikely war hero.

There you have it, my strange drawing of a parallel across two starkly contrasting classic films.