My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

May 12

Debate on the Internets

Category: Life

Apparently, my St. Times article and my This American Life episode have caused much debate on the Internets.  Much of the confusion comes from the Times photo.  Basically, to some people I look like some kind of robot or some really fucked up plastic doll.  The second topic is whether or not Sara and I can actually have sex.  So, let’s clarify both.

First, I’m neither a Cylon nor a doll.  Hilariously, the photo is one of the better photos taken of me. Honestly, I do look much better in person.  I’m totally aware that I don’t look like a “normal” fellow at all, but I still don’t get the whole “fake doll” thing. I get it a lot more since I got the tube in my throat. My favorite is, “holy shit, that thing’s real???” I hear that often enough around town. I mean, sure, I’m pretty still and quiet, but why in the fuck would someone push a dummy around a bar in a flat wheelchair and talk to it? If I saw me, my first thought would be “wow, genetics fucked that guy over” and not “holy shit, is that a robot?”  Wait, wait…  What if I am actually the fifth Cylon model?  Could I have gone 27 years without knowing it? Okay, I’ve changed my mind about you robot/doll people.  Pure. Genius.

As for sex, I’m a little old fashioned about getting into details, but this time I will.  Sara and I do have sex, lots and lots of sex. I have more sex than my brother and his friends combined. Actual sex, not some kind of metaphorical pretend sex.  We don’t just share longing glances and write each other erotic angst-filled poetry, we go all the way.  It’s a little on the exotic side, but…  I tell her where to touch her and she puts my hand there.  We kiss, we touch, we do everything, sometimes twice.  I can’t really describe the complete sensuality of our sex life without crossing a line that I don’t want to cross.  I’ll just say that when we’re alone together, we don’t hold anything back.  How’d we get to such a place?  Well, I’m told by many that I’m rather charismatic. Also, the white noise made by my breathing machine puts women into some kind of trance.

So, to some it up: Michael Phillips, not a robot/doll, fucked over by genetics, has lots of sex.


5 Comments so far

  1. Nathan Herman May 12th, 2008 4:41 pm

    Remember those terrible 80’s movies about the mannequin that comes to life? Maybe those movies scarred people so badly, that that’s what comes screeching from their subconscious when seeing you… and the stupidity that flows from them is completely involuntary.

    I don’t get mistaken for a robot, however I find I get mistaken for seemingly not existing.

    “What’s wrong with him(or often, her)?”
    “Can he/she talk?”… you know the drill.

    Touching briefly on the sex subject, I remember I went to the doctor once with my (then)wife-to-be, Ali. It was her appointment, but I was with her for emotional support, and the doctor calmly stated “I see you’re on birth control… obviously just to regulate your period.”

    It wasn’t until we left that I realized I just got pwn’d(if you will).

    No doc, she takes birth control because we fuck, and don’t want babies.

  2. jadelennox May 12th, 2008 6:24 pm

    So, to some it up: Michael Phillips, not a doll, fucked over by genetics, has lots of sex.


    I really don’t like that these comment threads are forcing me to think about how my friends might be having sex — a topic I usually avoid. *shakes tiny fist at internet*

    Kudos to you for wading into the horrors that are communities like that and being well enough spoken that nobody comes down on you. (Actually, an unexpectedly large number of the posters were sympathetic to begin with. If a little obsessed with how ‘brave’ you are. Brave little toaster Mike, having the courage to, you know, keep surviving.)

  3. Amber August 27th, 2008 3:31 am

    Hi Michael,

    I love this post.

    I just watched the you TAL on TV with my mom and my boyfriend in Tampa before I headed back to San Francisco. i grew up in Tampa, but now I live here. I am a writer and I have been reading your blog for a couple hours–so many things that are interesting to me–disability meets technolgoy, Oh my god if it rolls and talks it must be a robot. My view on this is not negative though since my boyfriend happens to love robots.

    Now I drive a motorized scooter aorund this city–I am a parade of one all god damn day. People always seem so crestfallen when I don’t erupt with laughter as they pass by me calling “beep eep, hey no speeding!” But there is something sweet about the complete abusrdity of their reactions.

    Well, this is just to say that I would have loved to have gone to high school with you in Tampa or run into you somewhere. I needed friends like you. I say that and risk being misunderstood becuase I know it sounds smarmy, but I mean it for all the least smarmy reasons.

    Anyway, if you and Sara ever come to CA, visit me!


  4. Cat November 11th, 2011 1:23 pm

    Fucking brilliant response to ridiculous ignorance. My own mother raised me believing I’d never get laid so I shamefully became a slut for awhile. It was ok but got old after awhile so I turned in my hooker boots for fuzzy socks! ;D

  5. michael November 13th, 2011 12:45 am

    Cat: I actually posted my first personal ad because my mom told my very first assistant, “He only sees women as friends.” :-p Then a few nights later I was like, “I’m going out… on a date!”