My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jan 21

Last conversation

Category: Life

So, two years ago today I got trached. I had a hole cut in my neck, and a plastic tube pushed down my throat. The trache’s great for breathing, I’m alive because of it, but it also ended spoken conversation. Last summer, I tried the Passy-Muir Valve for talking, but it didn’t really work, breathing was really difficult, and my jaw muscles turned out to be gone. I used to talk, now I don’t. I’m used to it, and I’m not. I love the trache, and I hate it. Sometimes I cope quite badly, sometimes quite well.

I’ve been thinking about my last spoken conversation, the last clear sentence I managed before gagging and what-not. I said, “I love everything about you, you know.” And the reply, “I wish I loved everything about you,” or “I don’t love everything about you.” I’m admittedly hazy on the reply, but it was definitely one or the other. Either way, not what I wanted to hear. At least I honestly meant the last thing I ever said. Afterward, though, the idea of bleeding out really started to feel right, that was when I started thinking about it, wanting it. I think a person can only stand so many losses before they break. I sure broke, I’d never felt so completely lost and lonely. 

Looking back, however, it’s a pretty great last conversation. It’s beautifully sad, the perfect turning point, when a person’s story goes horribly wrong. That’s how the writer in me sees things. In the very back of my mind I always figure that if something doesn’t kill me, it’ll be something to write about later. The last two years have definitely given me plenty of material, plenty of amazing and awful experiences to turn into words, and sentences, and paragraphs.

I’m definitely not lonely today, I definitely don’t feel like bleeding in the bathtub. I was broken for a time, died again for a little while, but again, it didn’t take. Apparently, the story of me isn’t over, the characters and plot just shifted. I’m happy to keep writing, with this little tube in my throat.


7 Comments so far

  1. Ormolu January 21st, 2009 12:39 pm

    This is the kind of post I’ve been waiting to read.

    The dying didn’t take. Perfect.

  2. Jenn January 21st, 2009 6:47 pm

    There is indeed a certain poetry to your last conversation.

  3. permazorch January 21st, 2009 7:12 pm

    I got here by chance. I was just trying to decide if I should order any of these “8 Films to Die For – After Dark Horrorfest” titles.
    I’m glad I came by. I’m glad you exist. Keep fighting. Keep writing.
    You’re needed in more ways than you can expect.
    Thank you for your opinion. Thank you for your poetic observations.

  4. teresa January 22nd, 2009 2:02 am

    I hope you really do learn something from the Dalai Lama’s words. I pray for your enlightenment every day!

  5. teresa January 22nd, 2009 2:03 am

    So the first step in seeking happiness is learning. We first have to learn how negative emotions and behaviors are harmful to us and how positive emotions are helpful.
    – Dalai Lama

  6. Tony January 22nd, 2009 12:48 pm

    I really feel a connect to you and how you share fromyour soul. Would love to know what you think about our new president!

  7. Susie January 22nd, 2009 11:40 pm

    Hi, I’m one of your random readers – awesome blog! I just keep coming back to see the next entry – never read a blog regularly before.