My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jun 5

Lots of singing

I have this little plastic tube in my throat, a trach, so I don’t talk. I haven’t spoken a word in, like, three and a half-ish years. You CAN talk with a trach, but the method doesn’t work for everyone, it didn’t for me, lots of choking and what-not. The last sentence that stumbled out of my mouth was, “I love everything about you.” To which it was replied, “I don’t love everything about you.” After that, the choking quit being worth the talking. I met someone else worth the choking and the talking, someone worth absolutely anything. I wanted to say just, something, some little thing I always wanted to say with the voice in my head, but I didn’t get to, and she’d probably reply similarly to the last time I bothered saying something out loud. So, yes, I don’t talk. Most readers know this, but it’s always good to do a little re-capping.

Anyways, back when I did talk, I liked to sing. I sounded like shit, but I liked singing along with Kurt, Elliott, Aimee. I’m told I at least sang on key. Now, I still sing, just, no sound gets past my lips. This has actually created an odd habit, Since I don’t make any sound, I’ve come to feel like I can sing whenever around whoever, in the car, at concerts, getting wheeled into various operating rooms with my iPod Nano, I’m singing like crazy. I probably look crazy, but it really does help to take my mind off things, getting completely lost in the music. Last night I turned my surround sound really loud and sang at the top of my non-voice. I wanted to not think, I wanted to be wrapped in music, lyrics. Really, I wanted to crush a bottle of Percocet into a glass of vodka, with lime, drink that and see if I woke up someplace better, but settled for screaming along with Nirvana’s Live at Reading concert. Just closed my eyes and screamed soundless screams, trying to make the world go away.


2 Comments so far

  1. Chike Coleman June 5th, 2011 2:45 pm


    As long as the person knows you care for them should that not hold the most value to you? Is the person aware of your love? If they aren’t and you wish to, find small ways to make it known.

  2. Beth June 5th, 2011 4:05 pm

    I have always believed that song is the universal language and the only true way we communicate. If I were able to hear your voice I would hear not only the song but all of the things I hear from you without the physical voice. I would hear empathy, love, anger, and many more things I can not hear you say. I have never met you Mike but from what I do know, you still have alot left to sing! Keep the song going dude!………………beth