My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jul 22

Self-pity? No. Self-loathing? Sure!

Category: Life

So, I got this beautiful comment from a reader right here in Tampa…

mike, i don’t think you are so tough.  we are all dealt the hand we are given in this life:  so what?  deal with it.  be thankful that such HUGE resources were dedicated to keeping your ass alive.  under any obamacare-style healthcare rationing you wouldn’t have the shelf-life of a hard-boiled egg. quit wallowing in self pity and live your fucking life til you die

Where to start? The child-like grammar? The “”Obamacare” non-sequitor? The general warmth of the writing?

I wonder if the person knows how to read, at least at the proficiency of a toddler, or understands the definitions of certain words…

I mean, I know I’m not tough, or brave, I’ve written about it before. Tell me something I don’t know.

I’ve also written many times that I’m thankful for everyone who keeps me alive, for my assistants, for all my technology, just for life in general. I’m really very lucky, and blessed, I’ve written, and genuinely meant all these things. So, again, not sure where that came from.

I write about a lot of things here, including being very down. I write about fearfrustrationlonelinesssaddensoptimismromancesex, zombies, sex AND zombies, I kind of cover  the gamut of human (and undead) experiences.  The one thing I don’t think I write about is pity, not in my life, not in my fiction. You could say a lot of things about me, but self-pitying really isn’t one of them. Self-loathing, absolutely, I’m definitely not someone who unceasingly likes himself or regularly pats his own back. If anything, I take personal responsibility for everything, for every failure, for every mistake. Do a search of the blog for “my fault,” see how that goes. I even blame myself for things that probably aren’t really my fault. Like, one time, it started raining rather hard, rather abruptly, and Lauren (my assistant) got caught in the torrent getting me and my stuff into the house from the car. She looked like a kitten who just climbed out of a swimming pool. She covered me with a blanket, she’s good like that, I was fine. So, I apologized. If we’d left the coffee shop fifteen minutes earlier like I originally planned, we’d have beaten the weather and Lauren wouldn’t have gotten unexpectedly drenched. Really, I couldn’t see outside, I, like most people, don’t have one eye always on the doppler radar, and I definitely didn’t stay the fifteen minutes knowing what would happen. Still, I felt responsible and I apologized. Self-loathing, self-criticism, that’s me. Self-pity’s like, “Why’d God build me so broken? Why are all these bad things happening to me? What’d I do to deserve this? Make it stop!” Thoughts like those don’t cross my mind, I really had to think about the definition of self-pity just to write those examples. I just don’t think that way. I really don’t see how someone could read this blog and say I wallow in self-pity.

As for dreaded “Obamacare,” yes, and under Obamacare, if your adorable grandma breaks a hip, her doctor will take her out back and shoot her in the face. I’m so sick of people saying stupid things about the health care bill. Stop being stupid.

I am living my life. I  keep breathing, and doing, and writing. I’m just writing what I feel, honestly and in the moment. The thing is, I write all my moments, dark and sunny, I don’t see how feeling darkness for a spell equates to not living my life.


12 Comments so far

  1. MacReady July 23rd, 2011 12:38 am

    Well, however tough or not you are, you’re certainly tougher than this sub-mental. Oh, I’m sure he’s had his share of hardships; perhaps his X-box broke and he had to get a new one. Maybe in high school he had to actually read a book. Regardless, I don’t think he can quite compare to what you’ve been through.

  2. Leslie July 23rd, 2011 12:38 am

    I’m saying “lemme at ’em” for the 2nd time today. Nobody gets to be mean to my friends.

  3. Stephanie July 23rd, 2011 1:04 am

    This person clearly has not read most of your posts. Just an opportunist who wants a forum to spout off regurgitated half-truths. Pathetic.

  4. tasha July 23rd, 2011 1:10 am

    fuck yes, yet again

  5. John B July 23rd, 2011 1:34 am

    That guy is just a fool. I am so happy to be able to read your blog. Thanks for being there for us.

  6. karen July 23rd, 2011 1:38 am

    That post really upset me- just rambled in a fb inbox to you Michael-
    I think it’s safe to assume MacRady is 13 and no life experience- probably never even had the flu?

    Michael- When I’m down I think of your positivity and it cheers me up- you rock!


  7. michael July 23rd, 2011 1:47 am

    karen: You’re very kind. 🙂 One thing though, MacReady didn’t say anything bad…

    Everyone so far: Thank you! 🙂

  8. Veronica July 23rd, 2011 7:09 am

    Spot on, as usual!

    I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if people were fucked up enough to leave you such comments just to fire you up. Show that you still have that “no” in you. At least people often do that with me – offline.

  9. Aimee July 23rd, 2011 11:06 am

    Michael, You can’t take a Jack A$$ like this too seriously. He was looking for a reaction, and he got it. He clearly doesn’t read your blog, or know anything about you. People that have low self esteem and nothing interesting do often create situations to get a reaction. Pathetic, isn’t it? Personal, probably not really. I have admired you for nearly 20 years (can you believe it?) I am so glad that I found you on FB and now am able to read your blog. It has helped me a lot with all that my brother went through. Just remember that everyone feels down and self loathing at times….probably more often than you think. We just aren’t brave enough to put it out there for the world to see. Keep on being you, and keep on writing. You touch so many people in so many ways.

  10. Christy July 24th, 2011 8:06 pm

    That comment reeks of thinly-veiled guilt….. the kind of guilt that certain people get when they see someone else suffering, and wonder why they themselves have it so good. Instead of having compassion or sympathy and thanking a higher power for the good fortune they’ve been blessed with, they lash out at the person/group suffering because it’s easier than coming to terms with the fact that the world is a profoundly unfair and unbalanced place (take that, f*ckin fox news) and they happen to be perched precariously on the fortunate side. I won’t claim to know you extremely well, but after having read your blog for about a year I have no doubt that you are wise enough to see that type of comment for what it is…. much more a statement about the commenter than about you. Kudos for retorting in a mature and even-keeled way.

  11. ziztur July 25th, 2011 9:31 am

    Really, a jab at Obamacare? Does this guy troll websites and blogs looking for people with disabilities so he can tel them they wouldn’t be alive if “Obamacare-style rationing” were to be implemented in the US? Ha.

  12. Monica July 26th, 2011 5:42 am

    Oh, they always have to find a way to mix in their beliefs.

    FYI Thanks to “Obama-care”, I actually qualified for health insurance this year. Didn’t actually get it because my dad didn’t realize in time to sign up, but it’s the thought that counts.