My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Sep 8

A love, hate, right now hate, thing

Category: Life

So, let me say first, the tubes that keep me alive are a blessing. When the doctor asked if I wanted absolutely whatever it took to keep me alive, I said, “Yes.” He was trying to convince my mom to let me go, and then telling his fellow doctors that it was all my mom fighting a lost cause. That I wouldn’t want to go on with machines and tubes and hoses, if such measures even worked. Exhausted, my mom told him to ask me, ask me while he still could. He asked me, I said, “Yes,” to everything. Then I coded, died, my heart stopped, and they got me back. They did all the procedures one doctor thought I couldn’t possibly want, and now I’m typing this post, six years later.

Now, given everything that has happened since, the ups and downs, depression, joy, depression… My trach feeling awful over and over, feeling awful right now… Given everything, would I tell that doctor to do what he did then, knowing all that I know now? Of course, totally fucking YES. That said, I’m so exhausted, so uneasy. More than anything, I’m scared, scared my story isn’t going to end right.

This is just a prelude to a larger narrative, my trach is still really bothering me. I didn’t have the focus to write more, but I figured a start is better than nothing.


6 Comments so far

  1. John September 9th, 2013 12:15 am

    Totally fascinating and so well written.

  2. Georgette September 9th, 2013 5:14 am

    I love your insight into life and living. It helped me many years ago to understand my Josh better, and to realize he thinks the same way all boys think….being ventilated didn’t make him think differently….you’ve been a blessing, both you and your mom….I’m really glad you’re writing something every day, I love reading your thoughts and feelings.

  3. Robin September 9th, 2013 7:04 am

    Proud of you for writing when you don’t feel well. Keep up the good work.

  4. maria X (Mrs. Xenick in your school life) September 9th, 2013 1:40 pm

    wow. wow. wow. Michael – your writing is truly amazing. Thank you again for sharing. It is quite a feat to make your readers (well, at least this one reader) feel sad, frustrated, happy, all at the same time while reading the same words. The teacher in me feigns surprise that you dropped the F-bomb. The real person of me, who is much closer to you in age than you probably would care to know, says “bombs away!”
    🙂 Maria

  5. Elena September 9th, 2013 2:34 pm

    Sorry that your trach is giving you problems. I’m with you when you say totally fucking YES it was worth it. Life is so sweet, at any cost. Even if your story doesn’t end the way you want, it’s the journey that’s important, or so I’ve been told.

  6. michael September 9th, 2013 2:42 pm

    Elena: No, it’s definitely the end that counts.