My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

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Archive for August 7th, 2014

Early day/Bad dreams

August 07th, 2014 | Category: Life

So, I had a bad dream and woke up at five am, and I wouldn’t risk going back to it. For way too many years I’ve had two regularly recurring “dreams,” the kids call them, “the subconscious taking you downtown to Chinatown.” In one, something about my computer doesn’t work, my vent stops working. It’s dark, I can’t breathe, and I’m totally alone. I wake up scared. I also often just wake up scared, but that’s not really a dream. Anyway, in the second (and worst), there’s someone I love, I tell her so, and that I want be with her, always… and… it doesn’t work out, she leaves. Always. It’s basically just a replay of something that actually happened. I wake up missing her like it happened yesterday. I feel this astonishing sense of loss, and a cold, bottomless loneliness. It takes hours to feel kind of okay. That’s what woke me at five am, I was done with sleep.

Losing her the first time was worse than dying (which I’ve done), but losing her again and again… All I ever wanted was to be with her, I still do. It’s so stupid, like wanting a pony.