My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Oct 26

Three hours later

Category: Life

So, I closed my eyes for what felt like moments, but when I opened  them again the clock said otherwise. Apparently, I slept three hours, an unheard-of nap. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, Ativan or not. Last night I was up until 5 AM and got up at 9:30 AM.

I went with a friend for something like brunch. We went to the Thai Temple, it’s an actual temple, but every Sunday they have a little market. I hadn’t been in awhile. It’s outdoors, on a river, with gorgeous trees for shade. Today it was cold under the trees and warm in the sun.

On the one hand, I really liked my company. She’s really cool, very smart. She reads this blog. On the other hand, and I have to write this, because no matter who reads this blog it needs to be an absolutely honest record of my thoughts, I’m not comfortable going back to the temple, and I won’t. I used to go with Sara, I can’t go there now and feel at all good about being there. I thought I could, but no. It’s too difficult for me to separate certain places from her. It’s so stupid, I’m so stupid.

Anyway, I had a nap and woke up tired. I usually wake up tired, it’s getting to be my way.


8 Comments so far

  1. Steph October 26th, 2008 9:41 pm

    You gotta set small goals. Reach those. Books to read. Get outside each day, let the sun shine on your face.

    The more stuff you do, the more you’ll tire out, you need to get true peaceful sleep.

  2. michael October 26th, 2008 9:47 pm

    I do all of that, it just doesn’t matter.

  3. Sarah October 27th, 2008 9:10 am

    Why is it that the places we frequented with our significant other somehow become…haunted when the relationship is over? Should you dare to return to one of these places again later, you find that it can never be the same. You are plagued by the memories of the past and a once lovely and happy place has now somehow become sad. I don’t know how to exercise the memories (so to speak), but I do know that the more time you put between yourself and them, the more diluted they may become.

  4. teresa October 27th, 2008 10:32 am

    You are in mourning and will be there for what looks like quite a while…do yourself a favor and DON’T go to any places like that again. Stick to new and different places because this is a NEW chapter of your life.

  5. Ormolu October 27th, 2008 12:09 pm

    You’re not stupid. Not by any stretch. You’re insightful and sensitive and hurting, and you’re mourning your relationship. My heart goes out to you.

    Journal, post, get it all out. Even if you feel repetitive, linger on any little detail you wish. Don’t worry that your audience will tire of reading you or think less of you. Your friends will see you through good times and bad.

    I found that this has helped me, anyhow.

  6. Rachel October 27th, 2008 4:23 pm

    I have been through several break-ups in my life, not the least of which was a 9 year marriage. One of the more painful ones was when a best friend and I decided we could no longer be friends.

    I guess the gauge I use to know when you have really moved past something…I mean REALLY, is when you have stopped dating time around that person. From the first date, to the date of the break-up, it may not seem like it but one day you won’t remember that it’s been 6 months today since you last talked…

    Those dates, especially the painfully ones amazingly become just another day. It’s only once in a while, in a blue moon that I see a date and think….wow, I was married on this date….or –fill in the blank–

    I hope you believe me. I also wish you well 🙂

  7. Rachel October 27th, 2008 4:36 pm


    I had written you some months ago about the book Snuff. Oddly I am picking up Choke today after a long set of reading the Twilight Series (Stephenie Meyer–no jokes needed….it was an insanely guilty pleasure)!

  8. Steph October 27th, 2008 9:53 pm

    You’ve had your heart broken.

    That isn’t going to heal fast.

    Give it time.

    I have a close friend who whenever he broke up with a woman, and there were a few, he wouldn’t communicate with her at all, he wouldn’t go anyplace that might rip off the scab and open that wound up again, for a full six months a year if necessary.

    That way, when he did finally see her again, he could ask if she was with someone, if she was happy, and be truly happy for her.

    You can get to that place. Celebrate the tiny steps you are making. Don’t avoid your feelings. Feel them and move on to the next.

    This is going to take time. Use the time. Stretch yourself. Learn from this. Let the stretching change the shape of you.