My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Dec 20

Almost 28

Category: Life

I’ll be 28 in eleven days, and I’ve never looked forward to my birthday less. Fact is, I wrecked everything I ever wanted. I don’t know if I have it in me to fix it. 

Rationally, I know that I shouldn’t give up and what-not, it’s all a choice and so on. I’m aware of all that, but I just don’t feel the little spark in me. I wish I did, but I don’t. People break, sometimes there are  no more fixes. I’m really tired, I get tired of building and re-building. I’ve lost so much so fast, I just don’t know how to cope anymore.

Fuck, there’s so much, it’s not just Sara. Lately, it’s even difficult to type. I let them dig around in my left arm for an I.V. and now half of my hand is numb. If that hand goes, I’m absolutely and astonishingly fucked. That really weighs on me. Having Sara just made things feel easier, I didn’t feel alone. 

I’m ridiculous and awful for feeling like this, I know. Still, here I am. I feel like a failure. 

By the way, if anyone comments with inspirational quotes and what-not, a basket of kittens will drown.


11 Comments so far

  1. Philip Dhingra December 20th, 2008 2:47 am

    Damn, I’m didn’t know that about your hand.

  2. michael December 20th, 2008 2:52 am

    Yeah, nobody did.

  3. Will December 20th, 2008 9:33 am

    I don’t want the kittens to drown so; get this: 28; I was making $5K a week; I was strung out on XTC and Cocaine; used up all my serotonin; lost it all; wanted to die; wanted to kill myself, wanted to evaporate and hated myself. 6 months later I cleaned myself up; moved home, and now I’m freaking happier than eva and I totally LOVED the fact I went to hell, because it made Heaven that much better. I think the kittens are like, knee deep still, but, they’ll make it.

  4. Will December 20th, 2008 9:56 am

    The Best, is Yet to Come.
    Hang, even if morose; hang in, There; regardless of circumstance; all this CHIT is going to Build inside you a resilience that will benefit you later. Part of the process.

  5. Will December 20th, 2008 9:58 am

    Dammit to hell; the kittens are floating……god dammit.

    Sorry. I’m an optimist and you’re freaking awesome; can’t help it; I want you happy, sue me.

  6. Jenn Malatesta December 20th, 2008 1:56 pm

    The hand thing sucks!

  7. Will December 20th, 2008 6:33 pm


    ….. I love Kittens.

  8. arsenalgear December 20th, 2008 10:53 pm

    Don’t know if this went through…

    Sorry to hear about your hand. But rest assured there are other switches that you may benefit from, like this:

  9. Ormolu December 22nd, 2008 12:25 pm

    Whatever happened to the valve you were trying out to speak again? I thought you were having some success?

  10. michael December 22nd, 2008 5:48 pm

    Orm, after not talking for so long, my muscles are pretty well beyond being useful. My jaw pretty much doesn’t work, breathing’s harder. You can’t really rehab SMA. Once something decides to go, it’s so gone.

  11. Ormolu December 22nd, 2008 8:43 pm

    I am sorry to hear that… 🙁

    I’d say something about hoping for the best for you, but I can’t be held accountable for more kitten deaths.